If you had a friend like that and he was throwing you a birthday party, he'd run it in a way that he thought was cool. That is, it would be more important that he do something he'd like and tell himself that he'd know you like it, than to actually find out what is truly important to you. He'd be the type that would contribute to a cause you had, but only if it was in a way that he found appropriate rather than the most helpful way. He'd be the type that would watch you dog, walk him, medicate him and feed him, but only in the manner (or timing) that he thought was appropriate or comfortable with him, not in the manner closer to which the dog is most comfortable with. He'd pat himself on the back for 'taking good care of Rover', when his 'help' confused Rover and threw Rover off his schedule. Sometimes you are just so grateful for the help that you overlook the self-centered nature of other's 'consideration'. However, in a romantic relationship (or other close relationship) that can be a problem. Considering others on your terms is NOT a building block of a healthy relationship. You might pick out a gift which you think is really neat and your spouse will thank you but not use--a sign of not knowing him or her (or not being willing to consider clues they've given). When that disconnect seems to be the rule rather then the exception, it leads to what I call a 2D relationship. That is your significant other knows things about you, but don't really know you (or accept you for who you are). I contrast that with what I call a 3D relationship, where they know things about you, but they ultimately know what really makes you tick or what is important to you AND accept you for it.
When asked what are the building blocks of a good relationship, people. According to Psychology Today by Abigail Brenner M.D. (April 26, 2017), the following are the building blocks of a good relationship:
- Trust
- Commitment
- Intimacy
- Respect
- Communication
- Empathy
- Equity
- You work to know the other person and what is important to them.
- You ask questions, observe and listen to them, not just hear them.
- You focus on what they indicate is important to them.
- You don't just listen for a few keywords, but you listen to their thoughts, especially in context..
- Your helpful or thoughtful actions are done optimally because you really want to and with a cheerful demeanor.
- In other words, showing consideration/being helpful for others brings you a level of satisfaction.
- Even when you really don't feel like being particularly thoughtful or helpful, you do it anyway.
- The person is important to you and you know it is just the right thing to do.
- You don't make or base your decisions to 'show consideration' based on what you figure you'll get out of the equation.
- You don't look for praise by your significant other or outside praise. In other words, you are looking to show everyone or make a case what a considerate person you are.
- You don't look for "advantage" to be gained by 'showing consideration''. In other words, you don't cynically look at consideration as to what can I get out of this later.
- You may even 'hide' consideration.
- You just do considerate things without being asked or saying anything. In other words, it just seems like a nice thing to do and your heart just wants to do nice things.
- If help or consideration is 'discovered', you may minimize or dismiss it.
- It could be out of being shy or embarrassment of positive attention that way. Some people just don't like to be the center of attention.
- If could be because your faith or code encourages you not to brag on yourself. As I understand my faith (Christianity), I shouldn't seek out praise of others.
- Your focus is often more on what YOU think is appropriate for other person, rather that what is important to them.
- This shows it is all about what YOU and your hubris as it relates to others.
- When 'showing consideration', you only show consideration in a way that is comfortable to you.
- That shows it is more about what is easiest or best for you, rather than what is the most helpful for others.
- That shows that you are trying to 'control the terms' of helpfulness or consideration.
- When 'showing consideration', you calculate what will get the most positive feedback and positive attention.
- You are trying to impress everyone and put on a 'good presentation' for everyone.
- Really this is trying to control what others think about you.
- When 'showing consideration', your motive is doing so to gain advantage or even control.
- 'Consideration' may be withheld when you determine there is little advantage or more disadvantage than advantage. In other words, what's in it for me.
- Conversely, consideration may be shown when there is enough advantage for you.
- Help or 'thoughtfulness' is contingent on returning favors or you gaining a tactical advantage. Help or consideration is only offered if you get something out of it.
- Trust - Our actions and words are undertaken with consideration as to what would help to build trust in a relationship, where applicable.
- Commitment - This takes a lifetime of true consideration towards your other. You are considerate toward the other and the relationship in general.
- Intimacy - Consideration in intimacy is the willingness to bare your soul or allow your other to be their soul, even if it is not always comfortable. In other words, when we are willing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we are considering the other person as we are giving them the chance to know us and permission for them to do the same. We are appreciating their needs that way.
- Respect - True consideration in a relationship implies respect for our other. We are regarding their other person to be an equal partner to us. We would hold deep regard for them and what is important for them. Obviously, a relationship works best if they hold the same.
- Communication - This can be challenging. Being considerate with communication means you are willing to let the other express what is important to them w/o cutting them off and truly listening to them, not just hearing them. It also can mean considerate enough to show restraint in expressing yourself where it could be harmful or showing a willingness to have express yourself to, especially where it could be helpful.
- Empathy - If you are stepping in your other's shoes to try to empathize with them, you are clearly considering them.
- Equity - To be fair and just with your other, you have to take into account what is important to them. That is, what what they might see as fairness. You cannot just decide what is equitable in the relationship and then impose it on the relationship.
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