tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71021084161949954812024-03-13T10:04:56.822-05:00Searching and Fearless: Thoughts on Addiction/Codependence and Human NatureThis is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.comBlogger251125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-6649846515946907662022-01-16T16:36:00.003-06:002023-05-29T14:20:57.684-05:00Accepting people even when you don't fully understand or appreciate them.<meta name="twitter:card" content="summary"></meta>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgcWbIRztTsBsvC54mux3sep1rH7l1P3rLeprtCihtEaIBcKJ4RUpn7TjKklEwuLgX14Gyc6l7v6ynw57RRSb12y4zxf0s2J3A2a3URclNDYs3JtbnHL2vI8_DTTkz7J6yHRkxy0RmEmgQ4Dzxf2LzlsZNC8C--H-s5qYtEBsv0jwtmt8Ffys95laaZxw=s425" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="347" data-original-width="425" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgcWbIRztTsBsvC54mux3sep1rH7l1P3rLeprtCihtEaIBcKJ4RUpn7TjKklEwuLgX14Gyc6l7v6ynw57RRSb12y4zxf0s2J3A2a3URclNDYs3JtbnHL2vI8_DTTkz7J6yHRkxy0RmEmgQ4Dzxf2LzlsZNC8C--H-s5qYtEBsv0jwtmt8Ffys95laaZxw=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br />I won't go into much detail for anonymity reasons, but I became aware of a family that had faced a very sad circumstance in their life. They were culturally very different from me. I had had some experience (and friendships) from people of that culture. However, those around me hadn't necessarily had the same. So, not everyone in my circle fully appreciated the family's reaction to their sad circumstance. When you broke down their reaction, the family's reaction is quite logical. Fully embracing it publicly could, at least in theory, involve the loss of face. Besides, as I discovered with the loss of my dad, mom and closest sibling in recent years, life and its grind and responsibilities do not stop just because you face hardship. </span><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Putting myself in the family's situation, I am sure I would react differently. Part of me says, they weren't really reacting well. However, as I have noted in prior posts, our reactions to life circumstance don't always follow script. For example, love and grief do not always abide by what is expected or even necessarily socially acceptable. I have to consider that maybe they are handling thing the way their life needs require them to, especially in light of their particular culture.</span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">This gets to a larger point. We are shaped by our life experiences. We are shaped by who we grow up around and who we spend time around and the cultural influences we listen to. This shapes the way we think and the way we read or interpret situations or people. For example, if you grow up in an environment in which people are often duplicitous and will not necessarily tell you how they feel (or feel about you) to your face, you will be caught off guard when you run into people who are more honest and say what they think straight to your face.</span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Unfortunately, in our society, for worse or better, our life experiences, can limit us to understanding others who fall outside our familiarity zone. For example, if a family member died doing something they shouldn't one family might quietly bury that person with little fanfare or acknowledgement. The circumstances surrounding the death might bring too much 'shame' to the family and negative publicity in 'their community'. So, they quietly handle it and move on. That is their way of coping and surviving in their community, their circle. They are probably broken up about it, but they also know they have to carry on. Another family might publicly acknowledge their loved ones' flaws, how they missed the signs and even tell their story in hopes that other families don't have to go through the same heartache. People not understanding the culture of the first family might see them as coldhearted and be totally oblivious to the pain they are masking and the obstacles they face to fit in.</span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Personally, often I am a very private person. My father was a very private person. There were things that happened in my formative years additionally which shaped this aspect of my personality which I won't get into here. However, one thing I will mention is this: I have dealt with anxiety disorder since I was 17. It used to be very debilitating, but between gaining confidence, learning coping skills and having access medicine to combat it, I have learned to cope with it such that I can live a 'normal' life. That being said, one of my coping skills is being able--to a degree--to compartmentalize that which is bothering me (and that I cannot resolve immediately). Part of being able to compartmentalize or set aside that which is bothering me is not continually talking about it. If I am talking about it all the time, I am forced to focus on it straight on and that can cause me excess stress and anxiety, where it is not necessarily productive. Now, if discover a story or article, find a person who might be helpful and/or have experienced the same issue or problem or have an epiphany on it, I will bring the issue or circumstance to the forefront and discuss or consider it, even if it ramps up my anxiety. But, I will not keep on bringing up the issue or circumstance constantly when doing so will cause me too much anxiety without any real advancement towards a solution.</span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">A lot of people in this circumstance find a need to 'vent' to find a way to get rid of their anxiety. They might see the way I handle it as bottling it up or worse they may perceive that my lake of 'venting' implies that I don't care. That would be the furthest thing from the truth. Just as I see too much 'venting' as unproductive, stressful and a waste of energy, they might view the relative silence on my part incorrectly and even showing a lack of concern. My environment and my circumstances shaped me a certain way, not necessarily right or wrong. Others' shapes them a different way, not necessarily right or wrong. </span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I have known people addicted to the bottle and/or drugs, people who have no exposure to either of that in their life may see those people as 'irresponsible' or 'not caring enough' or just some variation of being a 'bad person'. Yes, there are some people who are sociopaths (or psychopaths) who really don't care about others and will do whatever they want just to 'feel good' and don't care who it affects or who is hurt in the process. But, with a background that included CSA (childhood sexual abuse), family dysfunction (stemming from at least my grandparents, if not further) and seeing similar issues in others, I know that people do things to try to escape the pain of their traumas, often times not understanding the risk when they start it. With a relatively healthy childhood and circumstance, this may be hard to full appreciate. This doesn't mean you accept or condone destructive behavior, but what it does mean is you just classify those who engage in it as selfish, non-caring, narcissist, or sociopath's without knowing the road they've traveled.</span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I grew up lower-middle/working class. So, when I hear about a young man or women from a rich and prestigious who are throwing their life away, I can't necessarily relate. Many assume that if they just have means, life would be totally better and relatively problem free. However, imagine you grow up in a family with means, but with it you have so much expected of you. You are expected to join the family practice, business, or become a doctor/lawyer/etc. You are expected at all times to be on perfect behavior because your name is prominent in the community. You have all kinds of people who wish to be your 'friend' and you don't really know if it is because they find you interesting or believe that doing so could help them get ahead. Imagine, you are a person who is not cut out for this, imagine the pressures to succeed put on you by your 'family name' by your family and society, imagine the pressure they put on you to do what they think you should do and not what you necessarily want to, imagine wondering if people are your friends for what they think being such might help them. Beyond that, we don't always know what demons might hide behind family portrait. So, I try to listen to their story before I go to the "POOR RICH SPOILED KID" mantra.</span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">--</span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Our life experiences are helpful to us in understanding other people and their circumstances. However, we have to be careful not to let them limit us in understanding others, their thoughts, their ways. Specifically, if we are not careful, we can actually get to a place where we judge others' thoughts and ways as ridiculous, invalid or illegitimate. Unless we are completely insulated in our own cocoon or echo chamber, we are likely going to find people whose life experiences and/or individual circumstances have led them to thinking, believing, responding and/or behaving in a way different to us. The point is we may not completely understand them, but if they are important to us, we will accept them even when while we are still working on understanding them. Just like we wouldn't want them to put them into a box of 'their understanding' of us based on their experiences, we should not put them in a box based on 'our understanding' based on our own experiences.</span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="252" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/-nb9jJg_wIU" width="303" youtube-src-id="-nb9jJg_wIU"></iframe></div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-65613022016699225652021-05-21T13:30:00.004-05:002023-05-29T14:21:03.798-05:00Controlling your life starts with controlling you<meta name="twitter:card" content="summary"></meta>
<p style="text-align: left;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0va4YNgj6_OyaJKQf8Wy3vJ8s-a0scD2VRr1zbWE4Vl1M5ReU3Mc0k6IMbiFZdNL_UJgmGhyphenhyphenkN-hfvaczTxfkeQfP9hKcIoO3_fdhoDw2HAhb4643H1oq5ulcdHvLsn5osVjivb0eKQEj/s301/Cool+Text+-+To+control+others+is+to+have+powerto+control+yourself+is+to+know+384681905832528.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="264" data-original-width="301" height="348" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0va4YNgj6_OyaJKQf8Wy3vJ8s-a0scD2VRr1zbWE4Vl1M5ReU3Mc0k6IMbiFZdNL_UJgmGhyphenhyphenkN-hfvaczTxfkeQfP9hKcIoO3_fdhoDw2HAhb4643H1oq5ulcdHvLsn5osVjivb0eKQEj/w398-h348/Cool+Text+-+To+control+others+is+to+have+powerto+control+yourself+is+to+know+384681905832528.png" width="398" /></a><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">You know sometimes you start a blog post about an idea that hits you that you can relate to and before you know it, it becomes deeply personal to the point of being a little vulnerable. But, here goes. As a CSA (childhood sexual abuse) survivor who was raised in a dysfunctional home with alcoholism and domestic violence, I became aware at a young age of idea of powerlessness and the idea of having any control over anything was ridiculous to me. Add to that the fact that our house looked run down and just not generally presentable, that I wore worn clothes to school, that I was bullied and that I never felt like I fit in and then you can see even more clearly why I would feel that way.</span></div></div></div><p></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">Had someone said control starts with you, I would have laughed at them. The idea of 'being in control' would have sounded utterly absurd to me. As previously mentioned, I didn't have control over what I could wear or what eat, the home in which I live in and its state of repair or disrepair. In my house, I didn't have control over the dysfunction--the yelling, the screaming, in some cases the domestic violence. On my person, I didn't have control over the sexual abuse that happened to me and the bullying in the neighborhood and at school. So, to me the idea to me that I controlled anything would have met with like a "yeah, right" type stare. Before I go on, I just want to state that I'm not focused on what I "didn't have" but am setting up a point. I do realize that I am still fortunate in some ways living in the wealthiest country in the world. But, I digress. I didn't realize it then, but I realize these days that in some ways I had much more control than I understood. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">Let's move forward into my adulthood. I was always the 'peacemaker' which in some ways is another way of saying "approval seeker" or "people pleaser". I had started that role in my childhood and played that role in my adult life too. It didn't help that I developed a moderate to severe anxiety condition as a 17 year old and as such sought calm as a result. In any case, this desire for approval (or better yet to not be disliked) led me to not properly stand up for myself. I didn't stand up for myself as a kid and as a young adult I continued this pattern. In some ways, I let those closest to me continued to control me by using my need for approval and my need not to be disliked or unwanted. So, in some ways to me it felt like a progression from my childhood with the manipulation and being controlled that was part of needing acceptance.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">--</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">Despite having the sense of 'powerlessness' in my early years and my earlier adulthood, I believe I gradually have awakened to a different view or perspective of control (or power). I used to be view power or control as:</span></p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">Something that is given or allowed. </span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">Something we have to grab aggressively to gain.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">Necessarily involve or interact with that which is outside out.</span></li></ul><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">I've seen the results of a child who had everything taken from him. This child ended up being a bully. He felt like he needed to try to control others to gain control himself. Instead of realizing that he was just a kid and as such his authority was limited, he felt like he needed be pushy with adults to get his way and he needed to demand that he get to do what or get he wanted when he wanted. When he felt his 'authority' being challenged he would get belligerent. When he felt like what he had was at risk, even if that wasn't the case, he felt the need to make proactive threats. In short, he was relying on trying to control others, being aggressive to get and 'keep' power, and blatantly involving outside forces. As you might imagine this didn't work out well for him. If anything he pushed others away, he tended to not get what he wanted in the long run and in many ways lost some of the control or power he had had. In short, he represented the downfall of viewing power the way I had.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">As I've grown and matured, I've come to realize that power or control can be:</span></div><div><ul><li><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">That which we can implicitly gain or earn.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">That which we can find within ourselves.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">It isn't necessarily something we are given or allowed, but what we own.</span></li></ul></div></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">As a teen, when my parents divorced, I was my dad's helper. He wasn't very good at the 'bachelor' thing. I had somewhat taken over cooking near the end of my parent's marriage as my mom spent a lot of time out trying to escape her unhappiness. My dad noted this and when they got divorced, I had 'earned' the role of cooking and shopping. For someone who didn't feel like he had any control that is pretty significant. I had gained my dad's trust in 'taking care of' the house in some ways.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">While I've had to push back on family and friends who I felt took me for granted or in some cases took advantage and had to assert control. I've come to realize that control also comes is not necessarily asserting power externally. For this young person I'd met, he often didn't think his behaviors through. He was captive to his emotions. In other words, he wasn't even in control of himself. Often times, control is as simple as making a decision not to let your emotions rule and ruin your day as well as cause conflict. In other words, control in your life is to put yourself in the best position to succeed. When I trained over the summer running during high school, I exhibited control. Running was never easy, especially by myself. But, in order to perform well, I would have to do that which was not comfortable. In a sense, I made a conscience decision to control my actions and in the process exert control over my own future (performance). In short, control here is a conscience decision to what I needed to and try to avoid doing things which were harmful to me.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">When my daughter's mom was pregnant with her, often I didn't feel like I was given the respect or taken as seriously as I should have been. I had wondered exactly how I would the "parenting authority". In time, I came to realize it does not have to be something that I would given. Such as voters give to the winning candidate for public office. Nor does it have to be something allowed, like my parents letting me hang out with my friends. What I realized in time was this little person, my infant daughter was learning something profound. In her own infant (and then toddler way), she sensed that her parents were taking care of her, were meeting her needs, we being supportive of her. We didn't really ask for permission so much as we accepted the role of parents. We owned our responsibility. In her own way our baby/infant daughter had learned that she should mind us as she 'knew' that we were there to meet her needs. So, we owned the role and therefore the power or authority that comes with it. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">--</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">So, what is my takeaways?</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">When someone in your life tries to control you, to a large degree the control over you is what you allow or tolerate from them.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">Control doesn't need to be something achieved via threats over others. It is best achieved or earned by doing the right things for the right reason and therefore gaining authority or power with that role. </span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">You can't control how people treat you, but you can control your response. You can influence your outcomes positively with control of yourself.</span></li></ul><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">Anyway, just another perspective on control when others in position of power raise endless sum of money trying to essentially 'buy' it. In many regards we are more free than those who seek to gain power. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">Thanks for reading and I hope you took something from it.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">Sincerely,</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">Rich</span></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/miGUnKWcYeo" width="320" youtube-src-id="miGUnKWcYeo"></iframe></div><br /><div><br /></div>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-41825657119404121002021-02-20T18:20:00.003-06:002021-02-20T18:20:52.684-06:00Facing Reality and Arizona<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb_lrLtxXsHl2boXQ0r6DUD5uZK7xW-oN2_SQLPsaeYm4iEEkJIeb_wk72FLzLdwzRm4kpcQtzrttNXvWSHKldXDxR-rYiC66-MfauNkpbNd-iG1RCZ1ym30vqDz6QCaZs-jxD0kHefHp1/s338/cooltext377211433333768.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="290" data-original-width="338" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb_lrLtxXsHl2boXQ0r6DUD5uZK7xW-oN2_SQLPsaeYm4iEEkJIeb_wk72FLzLdwzRm4kpcQtzrttNXvWSHKldXDxR-rYiC66-MfauNkpbNd-iG1RCZ1ym30vqDz6QCaZs-jxD0kHefHp1/s320/cooltext377211433333768.png" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-size: large;">A number of the years ago I watched the movie <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100436/">Pump Up The Volume</a>. I was intrigued by the storyline, but let's face it I was a bit entranced by the lead actress. But, I digress. In the movie, the lead character, Mark--played by Christian Slater--was an awkward shy teenage kid. He had moved to a new city with his parent and moved to a new high school--Hubert Humphrey High. He felt like a shy, out-of-place, outsider. Not being able to reach his friends back east via shortwave radio, he uses his equipment to start broadcasting a pirate radio station in a suburb of Phoenix, Arizona. He finds his voice and identity in his radio station. It became his platform for what is wrong with American society (and eventually his own high school). He would start each broadcast with the song <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gxd23UVID7k" target="_blank">Everybody Knows</a>. The song is pretty cynical. It speaks to the bad things in life we know to be true, but typically don't talk about. "Everybody knows that the dice are load/the rich get richer, while the poor get poorer/the war is lost..." Anyway, so it got me to thinking about when and why we don't speak up about 'wrongs' and consider if speaking out is the right option at the time. It also got me to thinking when we do acknowledge a problem or wrong, how do we acknowledge it and how we move forward.</span><p></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></p><p><u><b><span style="font-size: large;">Why and when we don't speak up?</span></b></u></p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: large;">We are afraid of consequences.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Fear of consequences to us and those close to us.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes we fear consequences to our everyday life.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">For example, we are aware of corruption at the highest levels in our place of employment, we may fear retaliation--such as job loss--if we speak out.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">For example, if we speak out against problems in our child's school district, we might fear doing so puts a target on their back.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">For example, if we point out corruption in our place of worship we risk being shunned by the church.</span></li></ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes we fear consequences to the safety.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">For example, if we witness a murder or embezzlement, we might fear harm if we agree to cooperate with law enforcement investigating it.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">For example, in Nazi Germany those who spoke out of turn about the Third Reich were at risk of never being heard from again.</span></li></ul></ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Fear of consequences to society as a whole.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">There has long been speculation about the 'truth' behind the assassination of JFK. There has been speculation that the government either knew more about it than they admitted and/or were more involved than they admitted. The unspoken fear is that if the 'public knew what really happened', it would undermine our government as an institution. At least that's the theory about it.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">In other words, the 'truth' is just too damning for us handle as a society. In other words, as a society we are not "ready" to handle certain truths.</span></li></ul></ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">We are too entangled.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Are we compromised? Are we corrupt as well? </span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">It would stand to reason that a politician on the take would be less likely to out others on the take, especially if they felt their corruption was 'known'. </span></li></ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Are we entangled with one who is compromised or corrupt.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">We are likely to be silent about corruption, for example, if a friend or loved one is in the middle of it. </span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">We could have a bias to protect the person or persons. </span></li></ul></ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">We don't know how to or where to start</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes a problem or wrong is so huge in scope that we aren't sure where to start.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes we just don't have the words to express what we know to be true.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Much of the public doubts the official version of the JFK killing and what followed (Lee Harvey Oswald's killing). While there are a number of alternative theories to what REALLY happened, there are many people who doubt the official version because it just seems to convenient or similar. They can't say for sure what happened, but they KNOW that the official version just sounds a bit to nicely wrapped up.</span></li></ul></ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">We don't have 'all the evidence', despite it being blatantly obvious the problem exists.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">We have a good circumstantial case, but we don't have the 'body' or 'smoking gun'. This is the case when law enforcement has a good working theory on a crime but doesn't indict or go public until they have concrete evidence/irrefutable proof.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">The scope of the problem is not fully evident yet. For example, an auto manufacture may hold off an an official recall until they get their arms around the extent of a defect or flaw.</span></li></ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">We are in denial of the scope of the problem.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">In numerous high school shootings, the perpetrators were known to be students and staff as 'problem children', but for whatever reason no one stepped up and took decisive action to avoid a tragedy.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">People sometimes behave as if they ignore a big enough problem it will just 'go away by itself'.</span></li></ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">We have decided it is not the right hill to die on or not the right time.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">When I was a teen, my dad gave me lunch money for school. Sometimes I packed a lunch and just pocketed the money. It wasn't the most honest behavior and I found out later my dad figured it out. However, the matter apparently wasn't important enough in the big scheme of things for him to address as I did help him a lot.</span></li></ul></ul><div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><u><b><span style="font-size: large;">When we do speak up </span></b></u></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: large;">How do we address an issue.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Do we address it directly?</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Do we put all our cards on the table, acknowledging the extent of the problem?</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">Doing so could make others defensive or alienate them.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">Doing so could put us in an awkward position of being forced to make a difficult choice or decision (especially if we are not prepared to do so)?</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">For example, if a relationship is broken addressing the brokenness directly could build pressure for us to get out of it from those around us.</span></li></ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Dong so could also kick the 900lb. gorilla out the room and allow us a fresh start as a family, group, or society rather than a wound that continues to slowly bleed out.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">How can we even remotely hope to heal a relationship, for example, without addressing what is actually broken in it.</span></li></ul></ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Do we address it indirectly?</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Do we tacitly acknowledge a problem without speaking directly to it or fully to it?</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">Doing so gives could give people room to address the problem and save face. </span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">In court, this looks like a 'no-contest' plea. <br /><br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">In international diplomacy, it may look like a quiet solution to a crisis.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">In a relationship, this could look like a plea for individual counseling.</span></li></ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Doing so could allow us the space to work out a solution. An unspoken understanding of an issue could also lead to an unspoken solution, where a problem is addressed quietly without a public outing of the problem and the pressure that brings. </span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">When the St. Louis Cardinals traded Keith Hernandez they wanted to get rid of a popular player with drug problems, but they didn't want to publicly humiliate him. </span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">They orchestrated an unpopular trade to get rid of the problem from the St. Louis clubhouse.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">Had they outed him as drug addict beforehand that could have caused a bigger disruption in the clubhouse and would have forced them to get rid of him under more pressure.</span></li></ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Doing so could unfortunately can sometimes give the problem more space to fester. </span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes problems need to be fully out in the open before real solutions can be undertaken.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">For example, quietly or indirectly addressing a problem with a loved one about their drinking, might get an acknowledgement and a commitment to do better. However, if it is out of control it might offer them the space to ignore you. An intervention might be necessary to force them to face their issues.</span></li></ul></ul></ul></ul><div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;">Conclusions:</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: large;">As a society, it is best to be as transparent as possible about problems we face. However, not everything that can be said has to be said. Sometimes doing so could be more harmful than good, esp. when dealing with those who don't have our best interests in mind.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">There are sometimes legitimate reasons for delaying transparency--such as preparing people to deal with bad news. However, sometimes we avoid transparency for selfish reasons such as not wanting to expose our role in a problem or issue.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;">We can quietly acknowledge issues or problems to allow people/society space to work on them. However, quiet acknowledgement should not be used as a means of avoiding dealing with them.</span></li></ul><div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div></div><div><span style="font-size: large;">I believe it is best to be transparent as possible. There is giving out important details and coming clean, but there is also giving out TMI and damaging others in the process. So, it's like anything: Intent and nuance matter.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;">-- Rich</span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="394" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/v6Oov1YY9MQ" width="474" youtube-src-id="v6Oov1YY9MQ"></iframe></div><div><br /></div></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-55321890051304576032021-01-18T02:00:00.003-06:002021-01-18T16:05:35.436-06:00Contentment about the Future: We Are Free To Decide For It <div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyKHBH1_3mncVZGc3CP1tQZjWRbqDl5TI1Z_8rUZt_4LzQ0F9A-0a4MD3Nj507wGN1nI0JNTZzuWfgUisbIjtbNrjSS8Zq2NwXAhvi_k2J5FEMzGGnrxZqasmlVOvVubNnzMn8gx1rB7AU/s648/cooltext374217099799712.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="508" data-original-width="648" height="314" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyKHBH1_3mncVZGc3CP1tQZjWRbqDl5TI1Z_8rUZt_4LzQ0F9A-0a4MD3Nj507wGN1nI0JNTZzuWfgUisbIjtbNrjSS8Zq2NwXAhvi_k2J5FEMzGGnrxZqasmlVOvVubNnzMn8gx1rB7AU/w400-h314/cooltext374217099799712.png" width="400" /></a></div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b>Every four years we have an national election for President. After one particular election, a coworker and I were having a very civil discussion on the election (and the inauguration) that had just past. If I remember, her choice did not win. I said, you know after every election, there is a large segment of the population that is not happy. I said, no matter who wins or loses, we ultimately have go on with our everyday lives in much the same way. Besides, in another four years, everyone will get a chance to be heard again. She seemed to appreciate and accept that point. This election (2020) and the last election (2016) were no different. In each case, it seems like there is a sizeable segment of the population that feels hopeless, like it's the end of end of world and that life as we know it is over. Perhaps at some point in the future, election results may signal the 'end of world', but I don't think we are at point yet.</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b>As bad as some feel after a their side faces defeat in a hard fought election, I don't think it can compare to the end of the world hopelessness that many likely felt during WWII. I expect that sense pervaded Europe in particular and the world in general at the time. I can't even begin to fathom what prisoners in places like Auschwitz had to face. Seeing and facing starvation, cruelty, torture and death all around them with seemingly no end in sight is something I think few can relate to A friend recommend a book to me called <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man's_Search_for_Meaning#:~:text=Second%20edition%20(1947)%20%20%20Author%20%20,%20%20Austria%20%209%20more%20rows" target="_blank">Man's Search for Meaning</a> by Viktor Frankl. In that book the author chronicled his experiences as a concentration camp prisoner and how he identified a purpose in life to feel positive about and then immersed himself in imagining that outcome. In other words, in a horrible and seemingly hopeless situation, he was able to find a purpose, meaning and hope. He was saying that even in the worst situation, that we have a certain freedom to decide how we are going to view life. </b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b>I'm not even going to imagine that I can relate to the search for hope, meaning and purpose in such a horrific circumstance. Yes, I've faced some blows in this life, but nothing quite like that. But, I have experienced enough to know that survival and even eventual thriving is possible during and after bad circumstances. <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2016/06/finding-jewels-in-darkness.html" target="_blank">Finding Jewels in the Darkness</a> tells my ability to find good at a bad time in my life. I'd literally lost much of what was (or seemed) important to me--my brother, my house, my job, my marriage, much of the custody of my daughter--in the space of a year. However, things started to settle down and I was able to find some special moments with my young daughter. Moments that I would have not likely had or paused to appreciate otherwise. I was able to strip down life to the basics and figure out what mattered. Among the things I found was my writing voice, a greater self-respect and the understanding that I could survive serious blows in life. In other words, I sort of found myself. Eventually, my finances and job prospect and personal relationships looked up, but I couldn't have necessarily seen that during the height of the storm. </b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b>I'm not going to be Pollyannaish and say everyone does survive life's seemingly harsh blows or that everything turns out fine. But, to me life is like a journey where picking up "wins" along the way and avoiding "loses" is important, but not nearly as important as the good fight we fought along the way. After all, what else do we really take with us besides the intangibles of a well fought life? I believe there is a dignity of striving to be the best version of one's self even as days grow more cloudy, even as the journey works towards a close. There are many things we can lose in our life with little or no control over the process. We can lose our worldly possessions, we can lose others we love, we can lose our independence and in some cases, we can lose the battle with sickness and disease. However, there are some thing we don't have to lose. Among them our dignity, our spirit, and our freedom to decide how to see our lives. Those things we have to be willing to part with. I'm not saying holding on to those is always easy. However, we can, if we choose, hold onto those things. </b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b>I believe in the lives of many/most if you dig deep, you will find a point in which they have felt hopeless. The key for me and the key for many in that circumstance is to find something to hold onto to or for. It could your faith. It could be your family. It could be your memories of surviving before. It could be your vision of what could be. It could be your knowledge that there is someone who championed us--and may have passed away--that we'd hate to disappoint. It could be our pride. It is important to be able to find this and when we do we have a choice at that point. Do we give in to the brokenness or hopelessness OR do we decide that we want to find that which sustains us? For some, it seems the brokenness is too great and they don't feel like they have a choice. But, for those who are able to recognize it, we are free to decide to push forward and to decide to accept life on its terms or work to change it.</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b>Tying back to this election and prior elections, many have or had a deep sense of dread or hopelessness afterwards. For many people, it feels/felt like 'the wrong person' won. If feels/felt like our country is/was headed down a dark, unrecoverable path. There is always a risk to what we perceive as poor leadership dragging down our country. However, elections do not have to feel like an impending disaster. This election for some, like past elections for others doesn't have to feel that way. We have always had the choice, even when we aren't happy with the results, as to whether view ourselves as a victim of them OR to view ourselves as those who continue to fight for what we believe in or what is important to us.</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b>Whether you are happy with this election, upset about it or ambivalent, how we choose to view it and our lives in general is ultimately up to us. This is something I cannot stress enough. So, let's decide to come together and set an example for our leadership on all sides of the aisle.</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b>Just my 2 pennies worth,</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: large;"><b>Rich</b></span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="308" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/EZ9BKlvvOaQ" width="370" youtube-src-id="EZ9BKlvvOaQ"></iframe></div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>As an aside, there was another time I was woefully underemployed in my field. I had an <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2015/11/anxiously-awaiting-not-just-words-for.html" target="_blank">undiagnosed severe anxiety condition</a>. It hindered me in getting my Bachelor's degree, but didn't stop me. However, it made it almost impossible to interview effectively before and after I graduated. Anyway, it was four years before I got a job in my field after graduating college. I could have given up, but something inside kept me going forward. Just like the struggle above in "Jewels", I fought depression and a feeling of hopelessness at times, but something inside me said, no, it's not time to give up.</b></span></div>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-67036542194096284922020-12-30T03:58:00.005-06:002021-01-02T03:12:58.742-06:00Roles: We All Actors on Life's Stage<meta content="APPID" property="fb:app_id"></meta><p><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b></b></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjVkYHmv5LWNSMBlxfaZBcuRFtSCBoT54W_kfwKjB90tPWtTa2CmjmOKi9hsXFGm-Nltxx4-0MqqJALUb9x6XndAsPvfOXjvZEnfVZiUFY1o5fVKFoy-0LbYTdDlg9waXLFHl1WGOUTRNp/s473/Cool+Text+-+All+the+worlds+a+stage+And+all+the+men+and+women+merely+players-+372680764789496.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="397" data-original-width="473" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjVkYHmv5LWNSMBlxfaZBcuRFtSCBoT54W_kfwKjB90tPWtTa2CmjmOKi9hsXFGm-Nltxx4-0MqqJALUb9x6XndAsPvfOXjvZEnfVZiUFY1o5fVKFoy-0LbYTdDlg9waXLFHl1WGOUTRNp/s320/Cool+Text+-+All+the+worlds+a+stage+And+all+the+men+and+women+merely+players-+372680764789496.png" width="320" /></a></b></span></div><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>As many of us go through the year-ending holidays as parents and grandparents, we are looked to by our children as those who lead the activities and celebrations and just set the tone for our home. We are usually embracing a role that our parents had embraced before us. Sometimes it is out of a sense of tradition and sometimes it it because we want to do. Anyway, let's focus on the word 'role'. What is a role to me? It is a part we play. It is actions or attitude we embrace. We embrace them for our own reasons. </b></span><p></p><p><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>Sometimes, we embrace the part or actions/attitude because that is what is expected of us. We want to be considered by society as being "responsible". In other words, we do what is expected because we don't want to 'look bad' to others. Sometimes, we embrace our role because it is a core belief of our faith. We want to be respectful or obedient of our Higher Power (God) and/or our moral code. The "Fear of the Lord" might keep us on the right track and/or just wanting to make sure we please our Father (Higher Power). Sometimes, we feel like we are being judged by those close to us. We may want to please our parents, spouse or even children. Perhaps maybe it could be more like that we don't want to 'displease' them. Sometimes it may be as simple as we want to be feel good about ourselves. So, we embrace a role to boost or ego a bit. Sometimes, there is just something deep inside us telling us that a particular role is just something that we should have or do or are meant to have or do. Whatever the draw, sometimes it feels to me in a way that we are actors on a stage called life. Our audience may be society at large, those close to us or are Higher Power. </b></span></p><p><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>Sometimes we embrace a role with almost reckless enthusiasm. We are excited and can't wait to burst onto the stage and start belting out our lines. That is, we are almost getting ahead of ourselves. We are on the edge interrupting the other actors or actresses who are in the process of finishing their lines. Sometimes, we embrace our role with dogged determination. We appreciate it is what we should be doing or where we should be. We push and grind through it in a bid to make sure we get it right or complete. Sometimes, like Noah, we grudgingly embrace our role because, while we hate it, we are facing consequences if we don't. Whether it is someone's wrath, a loss of face or just personal shame, we are compelled to meet our role. Whatever way we embrace it, we still behaving like actors on stage. Just sometimes we have an easier time getting into the character of our role. Additionally, sometimes we just do a better job in 'acting' our role. While it would be best if we embraced our roles properly and gave an Oscar worthy performance in our roles, much of the battle is just accepting and trying. Like a famous PSA for adopting says, "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSYUjE-FRRc" target="_blank">You don't have to be perfect to be the perfect parent.</a>" Sometimes it is enough to accept and work seriously at your role.</b></span></p><p><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>I've expressed why we seek and/or accept roles. I've also expressed how we embrace our roles. But, let's get more concrete. What our our roles? Below is just a sampling of roles and not meant to be a complete list or in any particular order.</b></span></p><p><u><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>ROLES (examples)</b></span></u></p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>Becoming/being a parent</b></span></li><ul><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>When I took my daughter's mom to the hospital 13+ years ago, I felt like we were a couple with this concept of impending parenthood represented by a significant bulge in her tummy. I knew conceptually that we were about to become parents, but nothing could fully prepare me for what followed. We went to the hospital as a couple with the idea of a child on the way. We left as a couple that just happened to have this little person who was fully dependent on us.</b></span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>As we were taking this little person to the car on the way out, it struck me: I'm a parent now and I don't know if I have what it takes. Life hits you quick sometimes and I realized that I needed to suck it up and try no matter my insecurities.</b></span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>I was on 'stage' with the audience being the world. I felt like I had to put on a good performance in the role of 'parent'. Honestly, for me, my real audience was my daughter, her mom and my Higher Power (God).</b></span></li></ul><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>Being a good spouse/significant other</b></span></li><ul><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>As I've heard and been advised the real work of relationships/marriage is not when things are going smooth. The real work is when there are difficulties, differences or conflict. It's easy when things are going smooth to be embrace the illusion that 'love' alone will carry the day. However, as anyone who has been in a long-term marriage or who has been divorced realizes that warmth towards your SO is important. However, dedication and determination will carry the day long term. In other words, 'playing your role'.</b></span></li></ul><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>Being a good employee</b></span></li><ul><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>I've heard the phrase, attributed to Mark Twain, "Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life." I don't necessarily totally agree with that. I think that even people that love their job, need a break from time to time. Even the most loved jobs can have their own challenges.</b></span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>Our role is quite clear here: If you are do a job, do it properly (or to the best of your ability). It's hard to take pride in doing a job poorly and/or disinterestedly.</b></span></li></ul><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>Being a citizen or member of society</b></span></li><ul><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>In order for society to function smoothly we have to be a good neighbor and we have to participate in it. </b></span></li><ul><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>We play the role of a voter. We take seriously the role of choosing our leaders and/or our rules.</b></span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>We can play the role of a good neighbor. If we see someone that is distressed or needs help. Even if we don't feel like getting involved, putting ourself at risk or just interrupting what our own routine, we can play a responsible role.</b></span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>If we are in a 'hero or leader' role, it is important that we embrace the role properly. It is important that we set a good example. That could making sure we are appropriate in our role. It could mean that we put others before ourselves.</b></span></li></ul></ul></ul><p><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>Roles can feel uplifting, roles can feel challenging, roles can feel foreign, and frankly roles can even feel miserable. But, however a role feels, if we are meant to take a role, it is important that we take it seriously. An actor on the stage will only be accepted by the audience if he/she takes his/her role seriously. Similarly, I believe we can live a meaningful, purposeful or proper life if we are willing to take seriously or accept our role. This isn't always easy and sometimes as I will aside shortly, roles can be brutal. For me, when I think about it, if God can take the form of a man and take on hurt of the sin of the world and the brutal death for us, maybe I can suck it up.</b></span></p><p><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>Just my 2 cents.</b></span></p><p><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>-- Rich</b></span></p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>In 2011, I had to play the role of a loving younger brother while I helped with my late brother's passing. In 2015, I finished that role as I had his ashes interned. I wrote a eulogy for him.</b></span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>In 2014, I had to play the role of a responsible son as my mom died suddenly and not fully prepared. I had to pull together (financially and logistically) a funeral and a wake in a matter of a few days. Once again, I had to write a eulogy.</b></span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>In 2015, I had to set up another funeral and burial as my dad finally succumbed to Parkinson's related complications.</b></span></li></ul><div><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>In each case, I wanted to run away from responsibility. I didn't want to have to push through the pain and the loss. My mother and dad had entrusted me to be the 'responsible party'. My late brother's passing was unexpected and he didn't entrust anyone. But, as his closest family member, I knew it was my role to see that he and his memory were treated properly and respectfully. He needed a strong advocate and no one had to tell me, I just knew it was my role and as I look back my honor.</b></span></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="343" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ZiRuj2_czzw" width="396" youtube-src-id="ZiRuj2_czzw"></iframe></b></div><b><br /></b><div><br /></div><p></p>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-68709655088551989302020-12-05T16:51:00.006-06:002020-12-08T10:43:48.880-06:00Drug Addiction: A Hazy Shade of Spring<div class="kvgmc6g5 cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="background-color: white; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZFZB0t8o3g6ZF1r_Odx03XM7-8Qtt4_SU6GrdkmwGKfmFbOt_Kihx0qphRt25DiBbHVBvDzJUOwjMWzdV4lHynn-Nuug-2bVO28hLNOYiQ102HSlCNcMzYEgkwPtX5772X5v9gK3cetQS/s342/cooltext370632659943804.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="271" data-original-width="342" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZFZB0t8o3g6ZF1r_Odx03XM7-8Qtt4_SU6GrdkmwGKfmFbOt_Kihx0qphRt25DiBbHVBvDzJUOwjMWzdV4lHynn-Nuug-2bVO28hLNOYiQ102HSlCNcMzYEgkwPtX5772X5v9gK3cetQS/w400-h318/cooltext370632659943804.png" width="400" /></a></div><span style="font-size: medium;">I finally watched <span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093407/" target="_blank">Less Than Zero</a>. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Only you know like 33 years after it came out. Robert Downey Jr's character, Julian Wells, played a really convincing drug addict. Obviously they take a lot of liberties with the original novel and some liberties with addiction. However, at one point in my life I spent some time around a friend who suffered from drug addiction. Unfortunately, the film was pretty accurate in its depiction of the downward spiral. At some point in my life, I may or may not have inhaled (as Bill Clinton said re: marijuana). However, I was offered a more highly addictive, harder drug than that. Fortunately, I grew up in a family and faith that frowned upon that. I also was blessed with an ability to just say no to things like that. This evidences itself in my take or leave approach to potentially addictive medicine, including painkillers after a surgery. I've had a few procedures and know that painkillers are "nice" in terms of blunting pain and helping one to feel alright. But, the few times I've taken them, post-procedure, I rarely have gone through 25% of the prescription. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I do take medicine for anxiety, but once again, I've been able to take or leave it. I thank God that of my imperfections, that a weakness for 'needing' addictive drugs is not one of them.</span></span></span></div></div><div class="o9v6fnle cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="background-color: white; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0.5em 0px 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">So, I know from personal experience--a friend who had a hardcore drug addiction-- as well as experiences of others that drug addiction is NOT a pretty picture. Drug addicts: </span></div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">Don't realize or underestimate the addictive potential of the drugs they choose.</span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">They alienate those closest to them.</span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">They are subject to harsh withdrawal and a desire to make it go and just feel good again. </span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">They have the delusion that "I'll just get high one just one more time", even after they have had a crash or they have a 'sober' moment when they realize the damage. See the point above.</span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">They have the inability to keep employed.</span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">We (their family/friends) wonder if we are enabling them when we help them out. </span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">They are often 'off' or shaky even when the when the have been sober for a bit.</span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">They struggle with staying clean, even after a stint in rehab.</span></li></ul></div></div><div class="o9v6fnle cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="background-color: white; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0.5em 0px 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">Unfortunately, the friend that I mentioned who struggled with drug addiction, died way too soon. It was a spring day years ago. From what I heard, she didn't die during a high. She was driving a vehicle she wasn't used to and was supposedly texting at that point and lost control. It was on her way home from a 12-step meeting, ironically. I suspect even if she was 'sober' at that moment, that the up and down ride with her addiction had taken its toll on mind and body. In other words, I suspect she "off" or "wasn't herself" when the accident happened.</span></div></div><div class="o9v6fnle cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="background-color: white; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0.5em 0px 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">Besides losing a friend, the worst part about it for me was that I predicted it with chilling accuracy. Earlier in the day she had asked to borrow a little money or to get her something to drink or something like that. I knew that that could or would be enabling her and told her I couldn't do it. She wasn't happy about that as addicts often aren't when their requests are rejected. I'd gone to a meeting with her previously when she asked--I think for moral support--but that night I didn't. After rejecting enabling her, I talked to a friend of hers a little later. I told her friend that I couldn't control whether my addict friend finds a way to get what she doesn't need, but that I wasn't going to inadvertently enable that. I said, I don't want to enable her and get a call later that she had wrapped her car around a tree. Famous last words...</span></div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Unfortunately, the next morning, I got a call from another friend that she had died in a horrible one-car crash the previous night. She swerved off the highway and the foundation of a sign. I then told him what I said to her friend. I was like, "I wasn't meaning to be right or make a prediction". But, sometimes somehow you just know when a bad outcome is inevitable. I had helped another friend years previously with alcohol detox. That gave me enough hubris to think I could "be the difference-maker". Anyway, the circumstance with my friend had reinforced something I think I already knew on some level, but denied: You can't "fix" everybody. People needing help have to be ready to help themselves before you can help them to get to a better place. I had to relearn that you can't help everyone.</span></div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div></div><div class="o9v6fnle cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="background-color: white; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0.5em 0px 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">You never forget a circumstance or person like that. I guess in the back of my mind, I always knew that she would go too young, that her life wasn't going to have a good ending. I had told her about two weeks prior that she needed to get herself together as I didn't want to be reminded one day of this conversation being one of the last we had. Unfortunately, once again, that was a 'prediction' I didn't want to be right on. </span></div></div><div class="o9v6fnle cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="background-color: white; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0.5em 0px 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is this:</span></div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">Always seek a healthy outlet for your life's worries.</span></li><li><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">Never start something that you have to convince yourself that you won't get hooked or that you can stop at any time. If you have to convince yourself, you've basically already admitted you are at-risk.</span></li></ul></div></div><div class="o9v6fnle cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="background-color: white; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0.5em 0px 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">Anyway, thanks for reading this if you've gotten this far and I hope you have gotten something out of it. I don't know how to end this except to say, always make good choices and encourage loved ones to do so too.</span></div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">-- Rich</span></div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">* The irony of the situation is that the friend of hers that I talked to before her accident eventually was claimed by drug addiction (or its affects as well). I kept in touch with her friend for a while, but years later I checked her friend's Facebook and it said, "In remembrance of"... I found out the details of hers friend's passing through a common friend of all of us.</span></div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 15px;"><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div><div dir="auto" style="color: #050505; font-family: inherit; font-size: 15px;"><br /></div></div>
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/7TQFaDaykpc" width="560"></iframe>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-10825791506555580522020-11-21T12:55:00.004-06:002020-11-21T12:55:53.638-06:00A confidence game: Self-confidence<p><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-0ObalhvUB6R8P3zvG-CGRvsIskbaCmnkEaFPBpGJXo5bwIKwBKbJGDgBw6lRzs0Oar9lhvm6Py6WZfyzQj3r6wi7XsprUzn4TvItq-4udIcNM8VJhyphenhyphenXEv8PSrIhBg69qxfCgpCatayMw/s412/cooltext369232629839835.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="386" data-original-width="412" height="375" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-0ObalhvUB6R8P3zvG-CGRvsIskbaCmnkEaFPBpGJXo5bwIKwBKbJGDgBw6lRzs0Oar9lhvm6Py6WZfyzQj3r6wi7XsprUzn4TvItq-4udIcNM8VJhyphenhyphenXEv8PSrIhBg69qxfCgpCatayMw/w400-h375/cooltext369232629839835.png" width="400" /></a></span></div><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;"><br />This whole election cycle has been draining more than usual. Every four years we are told that this is the most important election in our nation's history. Judging by the reaction to this one, however, I wonder if this is true this time? But, I digress. We choose our leader based on who we have the most confidence in (or who we have the lesser lack of confidence in). Speaking of confidence, I was thinking about it this week.</span><p></p><p><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I don't know how everyone else experience's confidence (or lack thereof), but the answer reminded me of my experience skydiving. </span></p><p><u><b><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">DOUBTS</span></b></u></p><p><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">Moments of not feeling confident</span></p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I measure what I say. To make sure what I say sounds good/smart/funny/clever...</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I don't speak a point as assertively as if I hope you will agree.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I don't walk as confidently.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I tend to frown or be more serious.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I speak more haltingly as I analyze what I just said and/or will say next.</span></li></ul><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">Skydiving </span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I hold my emotions in tightly to not let fear overtake me.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I dread having to make the move out of the plane.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I hold on just a little longer before I jump out.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I tend to focus on making sure the bad thing doesn't happen, rather than enjoying the experience.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I move a little more cautiously.</span></li></ul><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div></div><div><b><u><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">CONFIDENCE</span></u></b></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">Feeling confident</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I speak more from my gut or soul and don't pause to over-analyze it.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I express my point firmly as if I mean it and I expect you to understand (and possibly agree).</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I walk more confidently.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I tend to have more lightness of being.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I speak very smoothly and continuously as if it comes naturally.</span></li></ul><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">Skydiving</span></div></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I've falling thought the clouds enjoying the ride smiling and enjoying it.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I am glad let go of the plane and I'm trusting my tandem instructor.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I confidently talk with my tandem instructor as I we are going through the air.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I focus on completing it successfully like a champ.</span></li><li><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">I am deliberate but 'sure-footed' as we land.</span></li></ul><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">The point is when I am confident I focus less on myself and more on the issue or task at hand. I don't fear being 'exposed' for the 'wrong' choice/decision, but instead am comfortable being observed. In juggling terms, I feel like I am tossing up the multiple balls smoothly. When I am not confident, I focus more on myself and how I look or questioning if I am doing it or saying it right. I don't like an audience as I don't want others to see me make mistakes or screw up. I 'fear' being seen as not being competent. I feel like I am tossing multiple balls up in the air and having a hard time keeping in the air for any length of time.</span></div></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">Just just my take on confidence, specifically, self-confidence. It is a freeing experience like soaring through the air without cord and not worrying if you are going crash or end with a thud. As always, I hope other who read this can relate or at least get something out it.</span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">Thanks for reading,</span></div><div><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: large;">Rich</span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><p></p>
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/HgzGwKwLmgM" width="560"></iframe>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-37450421177398658662020-09-20T23:31:00.005-05:002020-09-20T23:31:51.838-05:00Making a Better Chili: Adding an ingredient, not replacing the chili. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZwN2U3nYR0ms0rU9onV6Q-vYNq6xWuiDaaXINbgkkY_tk6YIxn9cTGHB8Elna9XV6FhuTOJ0AiSyXIkunHVc_afOwt3R_SGcoKh8jAEIVaY8maeKtAIsFuKJIDDJZvSr5x6z2KNEG3kZ9/s378/cooltext363187767706168.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="378" height="278" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZwN2U3nYR0ms0rU9onV6Q-vYNq6xWuiDaaXINbgkkY_tk6YIxn9cTGHB8Elna9XV6FhuTOJ0AiSyXIkunHVc_afOwt3R_SGcoKh8jAEIVaY8maeKtAIsFuKJIDDJZvSr5x6z2KNEG3kZ9/w367-h278/cooltext363187767706168.png" width="367" /></a></div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>In talking to a family member recently, I was reminded of something. A good while back, I was talking to that family member who felt like I was giving them the short shrift. The family member felt like I was putting my own life needs ahead of attention to family. I tried explaining that if I was in a good/better place with my own life balance/piece of mind, then I would be able to find more and/or better time for them. As you might imagine by the tone of this post so far, they didn't understand where I was coming from.</b></span><div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>It became clear to me that that the person felt like I was shutting them out to focus on my own life to the relative exclusion of them. It never really occurred to me that way. The way it occurred to me is I felt my life balance was near where it should be, then I'd be more energized. Imagine the commercial for the Energizer Bunny compared to other toy bunnies fueled by another battery. The Energizer Bunny has limitless energy to anything and to go anywhere, while the other bunnies slowly wind down and eventually lose their energy to do anything. The person in question felt like they were being ignored, but instead of ignoring them, I was working to make sure my life balance was in the proper order. This would give me better energy, just like the Energizer batteries gave the bunny more stamina. So, it struck me, how do I explain this in a way that effectively conveys it and I came up with an answer.</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>I like to cook chili. IMHO, a good chili mixes multiple ingredients: black beans, chili beans, diced tomatoes or stewed tomatoes, etc.--I won't give away all my ingredients. Anyway, you can create something and call it chili and as a practical matter it can be deemed to be chili. But, if it is missing an important ingredient or two it can come off as very bland and could be less nourishing. Yes, you can eat it and it will fill you, but it won't be very satisfying, nourishing, nor will you want to go back for seconds. Add the right ingredient or two and the formerly bland unsatisfying chili will be the popular. The chili will be filling and satisfying and have your audience rushing for extra helpings. Think of chili as a metaphor for life balance. Anyway, below are examples of possible 'missing' ingredients in life balance. </b></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><u><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>A few examples:</b></span></u></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>If you are struggling with getting along or quality time with your family of origin, then it can tend to bleed onto other aspects of your life--marriage, job, relationship with your own kids (their relatives).</b></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>If you are struggling with your job, you may tend to feel defeated and that can spill into other parts of your life, especially if there are any other parts feeling unsettled.</b></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>If you are struggling with friendships (or lacking them or not having good healthy ones), it can sour your mood at home, on the job or elsewhere.</b></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>If you are struggling with money, it can keep you on edge, especially when money is required, talked about or compared. This cause you to focus too much on money to the exclusion of other important aspects of your life and/or cause you to be short in dealing with others in your life.</b></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>If you don't have a good home life, that's a huge foundational crack that can affect the foundation of all parts of your life.</b></span></li></ul><div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>In each case above, your life balance (chili) is missing an ingredient (healthy family or origin, work, friendships, money, marriage/relationship family, ...). Yes, you might have what you can call chili and it might be enough to sustain you, but it won't be a chili that is satisfying, keeps you coming back for more or gives you the energy to power you through the rest of the day. The more ingredients that are missing, the less nourishing or satisfying the chili is. At some point, the chili may not even be tolerable and you just eat it to be able to simply survive.</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>Anyway, when I explained to the family member in question, I think they got a better handle on what I was saying. I wasn't trying to short shrift them. I was trying to make sure I had a good life balance such I would be more energized (getting what I need accomplished more quickly/effectively CREATING more time). This would also help the time I would set aside for them to be quality time, not time focused on any missing ingredients. In other word, I wasn't trying to replace them like replacing a chili for a burger. Instead I was trying to improve my life balance, by adding the proper ingredients in my life. Just like trying to make a better chili. </b></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>So, with the fall quickly approaching and the peak chili season gradually approaching, consider your life balance like chili. Does your chili have the right ingredients and are they quality ingredients? If not, can you get the missing ingredients? Can you make sure all the ingredients work together rather than having new ingredient seemingly replacing another? If so, you are on your way to making a good chili (life balance) suitable to be seen in a 'cookoff'. </b></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>Thanks for reading,</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"><b>Rich</b></span></div><div><div><br /></div></div></div>
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/btPJPFnesV4" width="560"></iframe><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-40767831048436876592020-09-01T22:43:00.000-05:002020-09-01T22:43:06.669-05:00Bad Days and Mondays: Being a Hostage to "Bad Days" of Others<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIy9tNVHhCkvrFT7jlgaL97PQBWxakU9w0aUv6kqJr09C-E7aFb4kwrmX387DrsU-F_emLRB16PzU6-Rerx6rRMCSTe3lFU9Us8hVRi2N8nUJ5eI5hZOidkMUJ_8OfhCGF5ko-myBlE_Xm/s522/cooltext361068633621994.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="412" data-original-width="522" height="330" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIy9tNVHhCkvrFT7jlgaL97PQBWxakU9w0aUv6kqJr09C-E7aFb4kwrmX387DrsU-F_emLRB16PzU6-Rerx6rRMCSTe3lFU9Us8hVRi2N8nUJ5eI5hZOidkMUJ_8OfhCGF5ko-myBlE_Xm/w418-h330/cooltext361068633621994.png" width="418" /></a></div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>A while back I was reminded by a sibling about a toxic relationship that I'd been in long ago. I have been meaning to write about it, but Covid-19, the George Floyd situation and other things had taken from my attention. But as my patient audience, you will be rewarded by what I hope is a good read. So, the short version of the story is that I was dating a single mom of a young child. She had primary custody of her daughter and was both a full-time mom and she worked full-time. Naturally, she portrayed herself as the responsible one who had had to pick up the slack for an irresponsible, incompetent dad. In other words, she had to be supermom. That should have been my first clue as to problems. Anyway, we met and dated for a year and a half, off and on. </b></span><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>So, as we know, new relationships are 'great'. In new relationships you try to prove yourself supportive of your significant other and all that entails. However, I noticed a trend early on. She would complain a lot about the pressures of being a single mom and having to maintain her full-time job. So, being the good sport, I listened and tried to be as supportive as possible. Anyone who knows anything about me knows a few things:</b></span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>I hate drama and like peace.</b></span></li><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>I used to be people pleaser/peacemaker. This led to</b></span></li><ul><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>Being too tolerant of people crossing my boundaries</b></span></li><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>Being too tolerant of manipulative people.</b></span></li></ul><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>I have dealt with an anxiety disorder for much of my life and sometimes that means pushing away for the moment stressful things. Not ignoring responsibility so much as trying to find a way to push aside stressors. This means avoiding discord.</b></span></li><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>I don't particularly like adding to the stress of others, though I'm sure I have.</b></span></li></ul></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>I "knew" that having a lot of responsibility like she had is a tall order and stressful. I knew that I like being supportive. I knew I didn't want to add to her stress. I knew I hated confrontation and that I wasn't looking to strongly challenge people. Basically, I just wanted peace and being appreciated. Unfortunately, the combination above is perfectly suited for a controlling person. For whatever reason, members of her family apparently didn't think that I was good enough for her. They hadn't liked her ex too, so you know... In any case, she was too 'mindful' of their thoughts. So, you know I'm just trying to mind my own business, be a considerate/supportive boyfriend, trying to be helpful and trying not to make negative waves or give her or her family a reason to dislike me.</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>As you might imagine, this type of relationship could not last. I was criticized by her for not having my anxiety under better control. Anyone that knows anything about anxiety knows that the worst thing you can do is negatively highlight an anxious person's anxiety. You might as well tell a suicidal person what a lousy person they are, IMHO. In any case, I consistently heard from her, woe is me, life is hard as a single, fully employed mom. So, I would try consider her 'hardships' as such when dealing with her. If that mean, not adding to her stress by avoiding addressing things bothering me, well that happened. If it meant trying to do what I could do to 'change' to ensure I brought her no extra stress, that happened too. If it meant my desires not being considered properly, well shit happens, you know. So, over the course of nearly a year in a half, she pressed her anxieties on me, she let others have undue influence in our relationship, she shut me down and she told me that my 'anxiety' was a large part of the problem. </b></span></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>Now, some would say, why did you let this happen? The only thing I would say is it is easier to say that looking for the outside. Beyond that, manipulative people don't show their cards all at once. They reveal it slowly over time. But, I digress. What did I learn from this circumstance? What have a I learned along the way? Glad you ask! I called this post, "Bad Days and Mondays..." to indicate what I learned from that relationship (and what I've observed over time).</b></span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>Unless you live an utterly charmed life, you will likely have the following at some point(s) in your life:</b></span></li><ul><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>Bad moments</b></span></li><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>Bad days</b></span></li><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>Bad periods</b></span></li><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>Challenging circumstances. </b></span></li></ul></ul></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>Now, if you want to have a healthy relationship with others, you have to take into account their bad times. If you want to have a strong relationship with someone, you have to be able to empathize with them. In short, you have to be there for them and with them. Sometimes that can be as simple as holding off your 'good news' for a little while until they are in a better place to hear it. Sometimes, that means listening to them for a time rather than them being your sounding board. What it doesn't mean is completely minimizing yourself and your needs to deal with their neediness or selfishness, even if they can't see it. It doesn't mean allowing them to dictate the terms of the relationship to suit their needs even if their circumstances 'are more trying'. It doesn't mean allowing yourself to be mistreated and then allowing them to excuse it on 'having a bad day". </b></span></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>I had realized that I had over time allowed her to take the circumstances of her life and situation to dictate the terms of the relationship. I had allowed her to elevate her needs over mine and justify it by invoking the pressures of her full-time parent/employee life. I had allowed her to elevate herself over me by focusing on approval from her family (as if approval from me wasn't near as important). She was so focused on HER needs being met that she didn't give enough space or consideration of mine.</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>So, here are a few takeaways I learned.</b></span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>You can empathize with someone's bad day or circumstance, but you cannot be held hostage to it. This is especially true if you had nothing to do with creating it. Yeah, I can be there for you, but that doesn't mean you get to completely ignore my needs in the process.</b></span></li><ul><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>I wasn't part of the problem, but I can be part of the solution. Being part of the solution, however doesn't mean shutting me down or shutting me out either.</b></span></li></ul><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>People can have a bad day or time, but provided you are dealing with them with respect and in good faith, they don't have a right to 'punish' you for it. </b></span></li><ul><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>They don't have a right to shoot first and apologize later. In other words, you don't get to go after me misguidedly if I dot an 'i' or cross a 't' imperfectly because you are already having a bad day. You don't get to excuse it later as a I was just having a bad day.</b></span></li><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>They don't have a right to ignore or belittle your concerns because their concerns are 'so much bigger'. This is especially true if you have zero culpability for their issues. I can empathize with your concerns or situation, but that doesn't mean that I lose voice in the process.</b></span></li><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>They don't have a right to overreact and treat a little issue as if you have ruined their life.</b></span></li></ul><li><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>I have bad days too. I have feelings too. I have rights and needs too. Just because things aren't easy for you doesn't mean you get to ignore that. I am willing to be there for you, but there has to be reciprocation and most importantly respect. </b></span></li></ul><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>Most people have the capacity to be there for family, friends and other loved ones. However, it has to go both ways. If someone is having a bad day or period, it is important to be able to read that and react as needed. Sometimes that means asking if there is anything you can do to help, sometimes it means listening and sometimes it means just letting them have time to decompress. What it doesn't mean is taking abuse from them. It doesn't mean that your needs suddenly don't matter. It means being there without losing yourself in the process. Just remember you can't help others if you aren't taking care of yourself and sometimes that just means securing your boundaries before you walk along with them.</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>Thank you for reading,</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b>Rich</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #800180; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/lkt0_hrQmKY" width="560"></iframe>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-89406195886521223692020-08-11T19:47:00.004-05:002020-08-11T21:12:19.834-05:00Guilt: The pain that endures until...<div><span style="font-size: x-large;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi51sPStHdDHwYiQZVswC8G13sv1YvlV9UHZUoSueRgvDAa-OdRVw0PhfHun65edKeRVYajAkQpfPGTibQdF_c5xjmsNaq5G6w9ht9uSgOdBqId7tAaXzfwC-MJjfBx1HPt58ufcWNGu5xj/s442/cooltext359495758279262.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="310" data-original-width="442" height="248" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi51sPStHdDHwYiQZVswC8G13sv1YvlV9UHZUoSueRgvDAa-OdRVw0PhfHun65edKeRVYajAkQpfPGTibQdF_c5xjmsNaq5G6w9ht9uSgOdBqId7tAaXzfwC-MJjfBx1HPt58ufcWNGu5xj/w354-h248/cooltext359495758279262.png" width="354" /></a></div>I was watching a movie recently during the "<i>Great Pandemic of 2020</i>" that really caught my intention. In the movie <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0186894/">Bounce</a>, Ben Affleck's character, Buddy, meets a random traveler, Greg, in an airport. A chance encounter really. After their brief interaction, Buddy realizes he has something that could help Greg--a ticket on their flight that Greg was bumped off of. Now, Buddy has his own motives. He has meet another fellow traveler whom he's hit it off with and wants to hook up with. Besides, as the lead advertising exec in charge of the airline account, he'll just get a free flight the next morning. This seems like a win-win-win for all parties UNTIL the flight that he got Greg in on crashes killing all the passengers. Buddy realizes that it 'should have been him' and feels guilt for giving Greg the ticket on the ill-fated flight. Buddy realizes his cavorting had saved his life but inadvertently led to family-man Greg's death. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-size: x-large;">I think there is a time in everyone's life in which they question their choices, behaviors and things they've ignored, overlooked, blew off or missed. When there is harm or pain for another at the end of these circumstances, I believe it reveals itself as guilt. According to Shelly Webb of the <a href="http://theintentionalcaregiver.com">theintentionalcaregiver.com</a>, the big difference between guilt and regret is intention. She says,</span><div><div><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: "didact gothic", helvetica, arial, lucida, sans-serif;">"<a href="https://www.intentionalcaregiver.com/the-difference-between-guilt-and-regret/">The difference is that guilt is felt when what you have done was intentionally done to cause the other person harm or pain in some way. Regret is felt when you inadvertently caused pain or harm (perceived or real) to someone and that you wish you could change the past.</a>" </span>As a practical matter for the individual with these feelings there only may be a marginal difference in the significance of the two. Yes, maybe I didn't mean to cause any pain or harm, but I did and the practical outcome is still the same. Someone else ends up harmed or hurt, intentional or not.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-large;">In the movie, Buddy knows it <i>should have been him </i>that died in the crash. So, he has has survivor's guilt. No, he couldn't have stopped the plane from crashing, but he could have kept the ticket. In his mind, he'd have taken on the harm, instead of 'allowing' Greg and his family to face it. In my own life, I've talked about survivor's guilt a few times. My late brother texted me that "I think I am dying". Now, he'd been having trouble coping with financial and relationship difficulties as his financial future looked bleak and he felt there was no one for him. He had felt like he had been a failure and he didn't always feel like he had the emotional support system. I had been having a rough time in my own life at that time and told myself that it was probably him expressing hopelessness and not literally dying. Authorities found him later in his apartment and due to circumstances couldn't exactly pinpoint exact time or cause, but based on their best guess and circumstantial evidence surrounding his passing, there is a reasonable chance that may have been his one of, if not his last conversation. Yet, I did not give it the attention that it needed. I knew he had been deeply depressed and I had been worried about him, but I'd seen him make it through rough patches before after 'disappearing'. I have literally been saddled with guilt over this the last 9 years in some way over it. I know my own circumstances were getting very dicey, but I felt that I 'knew enough' that I should have known better and checked on him and not let it slide. In other words, I'd have put aside my present hardship at the time and given him the attention he needed. I felt guilty about selfishly 'ignoring' him. I realize now it is more regret than guilt, but you know, that's like closer to 8 than 9 on the 1-10 pain scale of 1-10. Either way, it is very painful. But, I digress.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-large;">In <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0186894/">Bounce</a>, Buddy seeks out Greg's widow and tries to help her out on the quietly to pacify his guilt. Nothing truly works in assuaging his guilt until he faces it head on. I've come to realize the same. Maybe, Buddy should have thought more with his heart than libido, but than again, if they thought the flight was risky, they'd have never flown. So, how was Buddy supposed to have known? It could have easily been Buddy's later flight that went down in flames. Maybe I should have been a 'more focused' on my late brother's bad vibe, but I know sometimes life gets in the way. I've seen people be able to bounce back from feelings of guilt quickly, I've seen them take years to bounce back and I've seen people never really bounce back. I think for me, I am finally facing it head on. I'd like to share a few takeaways I have learned and am learning in the process.</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">We have so many interactions in our lives. So, many circumstances or situations. There is literally no way we can get it right every time. </span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">Much of the time the consequences of 'failing' is relatively speaking small. You miss your kid's appointment, miss their concert, etc., it is upsetting. But, it is not like beat them without mercy, but instead disappointed them. It's upsetting, but it's not fatal. </span></li><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">Occasionally, the consequence is huge and tragic. Maybe you shouldn't have known he or she was too tired to drive. However, if they'd cheated sleep before, it may have given you a false sense of security that it didn't seem to be an issue of concern.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">Ironically, I got this early on. I said to my daughter's mom that one day something will happen to our baby no matter how hard we try and we'll feel bad about it. My big concern was not a parent fail, but just limiting the size of the inevitable.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">It's hard to accept, but effectively what is at play here is that we can't control everything.</span></li></ul><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">Invariably, the one time we let up or let things slide is when the bad circumstance will happen.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">The 'one' time I didn't immediately check on in on a loved one, things went sideways.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">The one time you let someone talk you out of taking them to the ER was the one time it was more serious that originally thought.</span></li></ul><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">It is easy to forget the times in which we did get it right or didn't 'fail'. We ignore those times and beat ourselves up.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">I did positively intervene when my brother was struggling and helped him, giving him hope for longer than he otherwise would have had.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">You have always attended your kid's concerts before faithfully before.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">You have saved the day multiple times at work already. </span></li></ul><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">Sometimes we just have to take care of ourselves.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">You could literally spend all your time worrying about a situation, but sometimes it is not completely in our control and we can't spend all our time stressing about controlling it.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">Sometimes, our situation requires our attention. If we aren't healthy enough for ourselves, we probably won't be healthy enough to help another.</span></li></ul><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">Ultimately, we can't fix everything.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">Accepting 'defeat' or helplessness can be a tough pill to swallow. This is especially true if we pride ourselves on being a fixer or problem solver.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">Many times the circumstance we feel guilt about it is not totally in our control.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">We could have told our loved one to see a doctor or maybe we didn't think they were open to hearing it. Ultimately, only they know how they feel and ultimately and it is their call.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: x-large;">We could have done an intervention, but there was the risk of alienating our loved one and losing any ability to communicate. So, we choose a lighter footprint, hoping it works out.</span></li></ul></ul></ul><div><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-large;">Maybe my words, might right true for some. Maybe their circumstance my differ? Either way, guilt is a pain, which when not properly addressed, can endure indefinitely. In any case, I hope someone or someone(s) have found my words and experiences helpful.</span></div></div><div><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-large;">Thanks for reading,</span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-large;">Rich</span></div><div><span face="" style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: "didact gothic", helvetica, arial, lucida, sans-serif; font-size: 19px;"><br /></span></div></div>
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/1umEXpGHc0E" width="560"></iframe></span>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-74924486971329384162020-07-31T00:10:00.001-05:002020-07-31T00:10:37.052-05:00Not so beautiful trauma<font size="5"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKS7c_J3lbXU-djX3UFORRN1N2B1DmXeB3nXc3oE2ANdz2iCpp1BCm1G0HNoScswhv9R03Wdxar103exjTrfBT5FlkKhwNlRpVVZb0bxer2PiGGgns6UF7nZQ-QO1FjIu1E2FiBK2Wk_tL/s530/cooltext358498167560012.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="530" data-original-width="454" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKS7c_J3lbXU-djX3UFORRN1N2B1DmXeB3nXc3oE2ANdz2iCpp1BCm1G0HNoScswhv9R03Wdxar103exjTrfBT5FlkKhwNlRpVVZb0bxer2PiGGgns6UF7nZQ-QO1FjIu1E2FiBK2Wk_tL/w343-h400/cooltext358498167560012.png" width="343" /></a></div>It was nine years ago to the day that the police found my brother deceased in his apartment deceased. A fuller story is in <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2016/06/dont-you-forget-about-me-blog-i-needed.html" id="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2016/06/dont-you-forget-about-me-blog-i-needed.html" name="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2016/06/dont-you-forget-about-me-blog-i-needed.html">Don't you forget about me: The blog I needed to write one day about my late brother</a>. Anyway, we had been very close at times and had always had a connection. He'd been fighting depression and I'd been getting bad vibes that he was struggling to hold on. But, the life is kind of funny. The people and things in life seem to be constant and 'always there' until one day they aren't constant and aren't there. I had an inkling that he struggling. Enough of one that I threatened to have a wellness check done on him if he didn't call back imminently--which he did. He called back and said he was okay and acted like I was overreacting. It wasn't too much later that I got a cryptic text from him saying, something about "feeling like I am dying". He'd spoken figuratively before and I was going through a life crisis myself. I took it as, "I'm dying inside" or "I feel like dying". I little time passed and I got distracted by my own life crisis. He literally had made himself invisible to family for extended periods and I'd occasionally show up unannounced when I couldn't get a hold of him. So, I wasn't too shocked when I hadn't heard from him in a couple of weeks. I now understand that when facing depression, sometimes the last thing you want to do is to show your hurt to those closest. I speak on my understanding of the subject matter in <a href="#" id="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2016/12/depression-it-aint-over-till-its-over.html" name="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2016/12/depression-it-aint-over-till-its-over.html">Depression: It Ain't Over 'Till It's Over.</a> His words may have been a final cry and I'll never know for sure. That has haunted me since. But, I have realized over time you can't save everybody despite sometimes valiant efforts.</font><div><div><font size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font size="5"> Obviously, the day he was found was in some ways the worst of my life in some ways. Anniversary number 1 of his passing wasn't easy either. It has generally been easier every year. However, for some reason, it was harder this year. Maybe it was the stress of work deadlines and the pandemic and all that involves? In any case, it got me to thinking about his life, my life and the dysfunction we grew up in. Someone he know from college had given me a gift, albeit a painful one, her memories of him. I didn't see him much when he went away to college. So, she give me a bit of picture of his life away at school. She related that even back then she knew he was hurting more than the average kid who moves away for the first time to college. Anyway, talking about it with her and others reminded me of something I'd figured out along the way.</font></div></div><div><font size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font size="5">When we have unprocessed hurt, our tolerance or ability to take more hurt is lessened. Think of it like this. We are a 16 ounce glass. Life's daily struggles can fill our cup part of the way. If we have a lot of unprocessed hurt, our cup may be well on its way to be full. So, add life's daily struggles and it can get close to the top. Now, add a particularly rough period and well you know the rest: the cup cannot take on any more. For some people, it results in alcoholism. For others, it can result in gambling, etc. But, for the really hurt ones, the cup seems to find a way on the grounded shattered in pieces with the contents lost forever.</font></div><div><font size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font size="5">We may make it and recover from that rough period. I survived a his passing, losing my house, losing my job, bankruptcy and my dad's health failing. But, like him I had been scarred in the early years and the period immediately before, during and after his passing had it's own troubles, though I was able to start processing a lot that I hadn't previously. Anyway, you survive the hurt/injury, but like a broken elbow that heels, it isn't quite the same. The limb has healed as much as it can and you have 'full' use of it, but it it's not the same. There may be weakness or scarring. You may be aware on a fairly regular basis of the injury, but you don't necessarily focus on it. However, you bang that elbow and the pain from the original injury and/or scarring will be front and center again.</font></div><div><font size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font size="5">I think hurt, especially that which isn't fully processed or 'healed' is like that.</font></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font size="5">You know it's there, but it is just there and not really interfering with your daily life.</font></li><li><font size="5">You run into a situation or circumstance that reminds you or brings it front and center, and you feel the pain all over again--just not necessarily to the original degree.</font></li><li><font size="5">You retreat or find something to take your mind off it until it subsides.</font></li><li><font size="5">You get back to your everyday routine again and it recedes until the background.</font></li></ul></div><div><font size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font size="5">However, sometimes just like the cup that has never been fully emptied, there is always a bit of a risk of it overflowing. You may never get that cup fully empty and that may be your cross to bear, however, it is never too late to continue to process hurt where it exists. It is never too late to look for opportunities to heal. The big key is a willingness to work through it and building a good support system. As we've discovered more and more during this pandemic, people are social creatures and we thrive on good support systems.</font></div><div><font size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font size="5">I guess my takeaways are:</font></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font size="5">We can't stop 'traumas' from happening to others, but we can be there for others after and provide them a support system.</font></li><li><font size="5">Sometimes we have to face our own 'traumas' head on. </font></li><li><font size="5">In our recovery from traumas, it can be hard to get rid of the hurt that sometimes hides away. However, it is best to address the hurt rather than just 'take a couple aspirin and sleep it off'.</font></li></ul></div><div><br /></div><div><i><font color="#ff0000"><b>If you know my blog you know I always end with a song and this song is screaming out to be included. I have always liked her music because she faces pain and hurt head on in her music and lets face it, she's a very talented songwriter and singer. She was hurt in a profound way by her parent's divorce at an early age and she found a way to turn it around into a positive (see <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSjIz8oQuko">Family Portrait</a>). A funny story: one time we (my girlfriend at time and I) were relating to a guy serving us about her concert and he intimated to me later how it was a brave thing to take her to a 'chick concert'. I had to laugh as it was actually me that pushed us going to the concert. I could have corrected him but why bother. I don't have to answer for my taste. On a related note, I'm proud of my late brother for being himself.</b></font></i></div><div><br /></div>
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/EBt_88nxG4c" width="560"></iframe>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-43096028734551464022020-07-24T00:01:00.001-05:002020-09-20T16:09:43.784-05:00Stupid Smart: Missing the obvious when analyzing.<font face="helvetica" size="5"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ5yxVfm6Vsl2PQBXJGfRqPTBIaGiH78At8eqyTYSgh0DC4e5IBAqTX0E_T0kx8625awMFjkoXf7yDle8_WhkBaju-lgcqXr3P6-VSo5JOMy9p1geKibjc2hGuhPtcvMKyryKQdWT-WPkf/s421/cooltext357894085773690.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="319" data-original-width="421" height="303" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ5yxVfm6Vsl2PQBXJGfRqPTBIaGiH78At8eqyTYSgh0DC4e5IBAqTX0E_T0kx8625awMFjkoXf7yDle8_WhkBaju-lgcqXr3P6-VSo5JOMy9p1geKibjc2hGuhPtcvMKyryKQdWT-WPkf/w400-h303/cooltext357894085773690.png" width="400" /></a></div>In most societies a good education is considered a key to success and prosperity. Those who are deemed well-educated and intelligent are likely to have their opinions given more weight. In our society, we generally respect those who come across as well educated and scholarly. We tend to defer to those who have advanced degrees, especially if we don't. Imagine you are told your new neighbor is "Dr. Robert Smith" who worked as a researcher scientist at a prominent university. You would probably be inclined to think your new neighbor was someone whose take carried a lot of weight. Now say you are told your new neighbor is "Bob Smith" who is an employee of a local school (without giving anymore detail). You'd probably would give less weight to his take vs. that of "Dr. Robert Smith".</font><div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5">Switching gears for a moment, we hear new studies coming out every day about how some food or product is good for our health (or not good for our health). Years later, we hear studies which call into those conclusions into question. As parents, some of us learned math in the 'old fashioned', 'straight-forward' way and we seem to do alright. However, we see our children being taught math the "Singapore" way and it seems completely unintuitive. Also, we read stories about the how science has confirmed what we already know: men are different than women. In other words, the so-called experts seem be prone to questionable conclusions, methods and being out-of-touch.</font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5">So, how do we square these competing thought: well-educated = an expert to be given great deference VS. out-of-touch intellectuals? From what I see:</font></div><div><ul><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">Generally speaking a good education opens more doors for those who come across as learned, but it doesn't guarantee wisdom. Being better 'smarter' and better spoken doesn't imply that one's thought are more accurate. However, they might be present their point of view.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">A person with a title indicative of an advanced degree, such as Dr., will tend to be cited more if their degree can be somehow leveraged to the subject matter at hand.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">If the person's 'area of expertise' is highly subjective vs. discretely definable, there is more room for dubious opinions and overanalyzing the issue.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">Sometimes there is a financial incentive to create a crisis or need where there isn't one. That is a a financial need to justify a person's position.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">Sometimes there is an ego need to justify a person or group's raison d’être (reason for being).</font></li></ul><div><font face="helvetica" size="5"><br /></font></div></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5">Some examples or ideas to wit:</font></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">Meteorologists are paid well to make predictions that are often wrong, especially the further out their predictions go. If people are more intrigued by a more dramatic forecast, then he or she might hype THE POSSIBILITY of a major storm or weather phenomenon. Someone who has worked the land for most of their life might see the same data or the same indicators and note that the potential situation, while possible, is highly unlikely. The 'weatherman' might have an incentive to hype a possibility both for ratings and to show off his or her knowledge. The farmer on the other hand is seeking as accurate a read of the situation as possible.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">A psychologist may run across a child who is new to a school, is quiet by nature, has been late to school and spends an excessive amount of time gaming. The professional may pursue the notion that the child dreads his or her new school and is trying to avoid it. A quick discussion with the child's brother may reveal that the youngster simply really likes the new game and there is no more to the issue.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">A physician with a complex understanding of the body, may run across a child who isn't good at advocating for his or herself and struggles with esteem issues. After listening to the child and running a few tests and coming up empty, the physician might dismiss the child's concerns as being more psychological--especially if it is an uncommon problem for the child's age. Only later when the symptoms evidence themselves more prominently will the physician catch the health issue.</font></li><ul><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">This actually happened to me when was 17 and the ER physician missed a diagnosis of pericarditis and dismissed it muscle soreness and seeking attention. The physician wasn't expecting a child my age to have heart issues. Also, he couldn't find any obvious causes for my chest pain. Therefore, he read too much into my teenage insecurity and decided there was no real there there and that I might be seeking attention.</font></li></ul><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">In a competitive grant environment, researchers, in various fields may feel pressure to come up with a unique or different thesis or take on a subject to stand out from the crowd. In other words, try to 'prove' a take at odds with conventional wisdom. This isn't necessarily a bad thing to do. History is full of people who challenged the status quo leading to discoveries, inventions and a better understanding. However, if the goal of 'proving' that their thesis takes precedent over finding the truth, there may be a problem. Sometimes, no matter what angle you look at a subject matter from, the obvious or conventional answer is the most valid answer.</font></li></ul><div><font face="helvetica" size="5"><br /></font></div></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5">I called this post "stupid smart" because sometimes people who are highly educated or credentialed look past the obvious for answers and may be seeking a deeper or more thought-provoking meaning. In other words, they 'outthink' themselves. Sometimes a shovel is just a shovel and not some specialized digging tool, no matter how much you might need for it to be.</font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5">I guess you'd say this is my STUPID SMART take on society. Thanks for humoring it.</font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5">- Rich</font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><br /></div></div></div>
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/OOgpT5rEKIU" width="560"></iframe>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-13361605797539026032020-07-11T22:58:00.001-05:002020-07-11T22:58:45.723-05:00Conflict is in the Middle: Black and white thinking avoids the conflict of nuanced thinking.<font color="#b51200" size="5"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvxCF9YKvDlpWzKsriWAld9pqeS0Y6XHJvtYLxZ48SKK0dXY381cDF6xFGJmH0Fiyg7Z4qeLQAbCO5ml5E2zFySg4xMFy13cSYeNyINhqZF3T60w9N0dO9OcQjNhTYpoVnrR7nW04SPwsq/s399/Cool+Text+-+Healing+comes+when+we+choose+to+walk+away+from+darkness+and+move+-357148455297161.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="385" data-original-width="399" height="386" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvxCF9YKvDlpWzKsriWAld9pqeS0Y6XHJvtYLxZ48SKK0dXY381cDF6xFGJmH0Fiyg7Z4qeLQAbCO5ml5E2zFySg4xMFy13cSYeNyINhqZF3T60w9N0dO9OcQjNhTYpoVnrR7nW04SPwsq/w400-h386/Cool+Text+-+Healing+comes+when+we+choose+to+walk+away+from+darkness+and+move+-357148455297161.png" width="400" /></a></div>With Covid-19 and George Floyd's death and the ensuing protests/riots, I've thought a lot more about our society--what's right with it, what's wrong with it and what could use fixing. While this includes what we can do or be as society, it also includes what I can or be as an individual. In other words, part of this examination is internal. As I've gotten older and seen more of the world, I've come to realize more of nuance in my thinking. For example,</font><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">I support the right to protest and be heard, but protest has to be orderly. It has to take into account the needs of others to get to work to take care of their families.</font></li><ul><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">Free speech/assembly isn't absolute and unlimited. Rights come with responsibilities and abiding by the responsibilities can help to preserve that right.</font></li></ul><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">Law enforcement needs reformed, but law enforcement needs to be strong.</font></li><ul><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">We need to make sure law enforcement is done equally and justly and respect the rights of citizens. But, erroring on the side of too hands off can embolden criminals</font></li></ul><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">Freedom of assembly is important, but it needs to be done in a responsible way during a pandemic.</font></li><ul><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">Meeting can be done virtually where possible, but people shouldn't lose their freedom to assemble but should mitigate against risks--limiting numbers, proper spacing and encouraging high risk people to avoid for example.</font></li></ul><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">It is important to stand again all who say racially or otherwise charged things, but it is also important to make sure we aren't shutting down free speech by destroying people who WE believe are crossing a line. </font></li><ul><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">People can out of frustration say things WE find offensive, but if we clamp down too hard we are setting a precedent. One day, the future WILL be led by others whose take on what crosses the line is different (and possibly absurd or abusive). </font></li><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">If we clamp down too hard on what WE deem is offensive speech, we risk freezing speech as people may not want to risk saying things that could be thought even remotely controversial. </font></li></ul><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">Your words and actions can, in many cases, rightly have serious consequences. However, where possible, a path back or second chance should be allowed. </font></li><ul><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">This allows people to have the chance to be a positive on society rather than a drain.</font></li><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">It also exhibits a good side of humanity -- forgiveness.</font></li><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">An absolute unwillingness to do so, can exhibit anger and contempt.</font></li></ul><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">You can condemn behaviors of yesteryear, but can also understand some of them were a product of their time. That doesn't mean excuse them, but that means that realize that like a family, people can grow and learn. </font></li><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">Bad moments in history can be recognized without being celebrated.</font></li><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">Most people are neither completely evil or a complete saint. Even 'heroes' have flaws, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are not heroes. Likewise, 'bad people' usually have some redeeming quality (or the potential for them).</font></li><li><font color="#b51200" size="5">Drinking is acceptable, but not always advisable.</font></li></ul><div><font color="#b51200" size="5">---</font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5">I've come to realize that part of the human struggle is wanting to 'getting it right'. We may do that to be thought of well by others, by ourselves (self-respect) or by our Higher Power (God). Whatever, the motivation, part of 'getting it right' means treating others well, thinking and behaving righteously and just striving to be good people. </font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5"> </font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5">I've come to realize that part of 'getting it right' is recognizing nuances and not being dogmatic. The Pharisees of old were focused on being righteous by 'following all the rules'. They may have succeeded in 'following most of the rules', but in their hard hearts they missed the whole point of the Father's teaching. Jesus and his disciples did many good deeds and miracles on the Sabbath. Pharisees pointed out that wasn't 'resting' on the Sabbath. The Pharisees, with their dogmatic, black and white thinking, had no internal conflict. They just knew that good deeds and miracles were 'work' and weren't appropriate for the Sabbath. Jesus' disciples may have been raised to understand that and when Jesus led them to 'break' the Sabbath, it might have been out of their comfort zone. However, it would seem they understood quickly that they were doing God's work and came to understand it was appropriate to do so on the Sabbath.</font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5">I feel a bit conflicted on how we can best move forward and how I can best grow to be a better person in today's society. For me, that isn't necessarily a weakness or failing. For me, it is like a baby chick trying to break out of its shell. There is some internal struggle and conflict, but it is a healthy struggle. I don't think anyone in this life has all the answers, but has shells of ignorance. I'd like to think that each of us would should try to break shells of ignorance and uncertainty, where they exist, and trying to be a better person. </font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5">We could avoid the internal conflict that goes along with striving to 'get it right' IF we felt like we always had the answers. We could avoid the internal conflict that goes along with find the right nuance in thinking and actions if were judgmental and always thought in black and white. I believe part of where we fail in society is ending up in 'camps' where we think and behave in black and white. Yes, there has to be some absolutes, but I think it is important that we search and strive for the best answers, even if they may not fit our preconceived notions.</font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5">Searching for the best answer can result in nuanced thinking. President Nixon has campaigned on being a hardline anti-Communist. He could easily have kept the hard line and not made overtures to China. He was probably counseled by some in his circle against it. Even he may have had his doubts if his actions would yield positive results. He was in an election year and the comfortable 'election' position would be the hardline against China. But he chose to try to find some middle ground with them. This came with conflict, both internal and external. But, he had enough nuance in his thinking to realize that a) we could benefit with a better relationship with China and b) it could be a hedge against Russia. In our relationship with our own kids, we have rules, but we don't inflexibly stick to every rule indefinitely. We adjust where it makes sense, where we feel like we can get better results and proven responsibility on their part dictates reconsideration.</font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5">I believe part of maturing is understanding and being willing to go through conflict that comes with finding the 'right' (often nuanced) answer. We could stick dogmatically to the same answers, same positions, and same rhetoric and be very comfortable and self-righteous with it. However, I think it is critical in our own lives, the lives of our family and of our society that we be willing to consider nuances. After all, if Jesus has the nuance to realize that he should dine with the tax collectors and 'sinners' as that was the way to reach them.</font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5">Speaking of Jesus, that brings me to one final and probably the most insignificant point. Jesus was able to reach out to and relate to sinners* and not scorn them like the Pharisees, because He wasn't caught up in His own pride. The Pharisees however were. To change their dogmatic position to a more teaching, understanding forgiving position would have required them to essentially admit they had failed in how they executed their role. In essence, they'd have to own up to their own failure and/or lack of understanding of their role in helping others get to know and follow God. </font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5">I think part of the block of being willing to adjust our thinking to a more nuanced position is PRIDE. When we take time to reflect on our positions and thinking we open ourselves to the possibility that we've been wrong. Unfortunately, it isn't necessarily just mildly wrong. It can mean completely wrong. Who want's to acknowledge to themselves and/or others that they could be greatly mistaken or totally missed something? Admitting to yourself (and possibly others) that you are or were wrong is effectively humbling yourself. We revere the apostle Peter, but he wasn't always the Peter we have come to appreciate. He used to be a Saul and he used to actively undermine God's work. The Lord literally had to call him out <a href="https://biblia.com/bible/esv/acts/22">Acts 22</a>. He was so self-assured of his righteousness, only a complete humbling of him would cause him to change his position to be a more nuanced thinking loving man. Overcoming pride to see a more nuanced position, can be a very conflicting (and humbling) experience.</font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5">Yes, there are definite right and wrong in this world, but I feel like there is plenty of nuance and sometimes getting to the right nuance can be stressful. It can be easier to just stay in the black and white thinking, but it is important to be willing to adjust that to more nuanced thinking where led.</font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5">Just some deep thoughts for the day,</font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5">Rich</font></div><div><br /></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font color="#b51200"><b><i>* I used the term sinners to represent those who were known to break God's laws and the 'religious rules' of the day and had the capacity to recognize their failings. In actuality, "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God...".</i></b></font></div><div><font color="#b51200" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div>
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/YQHsXMglC9A" width="560"></iframe>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-59545286957466797632020-07-07T23:02:00.002-05:002020-07-07T23:40:56.229-05:00Being my brother's keeper: A guide to honoring society as our family.<div data-block="true" data-editor="dsa0p" data-offset-key="60n0v-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="60n0v-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><font color="#1d2129" face="" size="5" style="font-family: inherit;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCHNM79-Q_CImnMkZeJzwBvszFEomrXsrG6q8TRgBBISzgh2t1a-CHo0C8-0Vi6bA7izDCwFx4H594pktg1Hth0VO_afUiZURGLzkLTg1L1JAyBlFFUfvTxqAg5F1dQXaMf7AHb4-kJQVP/s851/cooltext-357166831890099.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="621" data-original-width="851" height="293" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCHNM79-Q_CImnMkZeJzwBvszFEomrXsrG6q8TRgBBISzgh2t1a-CHo0C8-0Vi6bA7izDCwFx4H594pktg1Hth0VO_afUiZURGLzkLTg1L1JAyBlFFUfvTxqAg5F1dQXaMf7AHb4-kJQVP/w400-h293/cooltext-357166831890099.png" width="400" /></a></div>I suspect that recent unrest in this country has a lot of people thinking and reevaluating their perspective on society. Given the sharpness of the unrest, I have found it hard not to. I have taken some time to break down my perspective or thinking on society including race. I don't necessarily think I've had a major shift, but I think I have focused me better on how we should treat each other.</font><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;"> In this (reevaluation) process, it occurred to me that a helpful perspective or lens to view society through is that of family. Whether we like it or not, as a society we are a family. For a family to function in a healthy peaceful way, each member has to consider other members of the family. We have to consider where they are, not where we think they should be, but where they are. For example, we could get into a debate on how far we've come with regard to race relations and how much progress we've made as a country, etc. Different people and different groups would tend to have a different points of view. Some would believe that since we have solid enforceable laws in place and integration going on for decades, that 'society' has done its role. Some people believe we've basically made no progress. I tend to believe somewhere in between those two perspectives. Yes, we could get into a precise debate on how far we've come or haven't come, but I think it misses the point.</span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="60n0v-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="60n0v-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5"><br /></font></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="dsa0p" data-offset-key="12ud0-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="12ud0-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="12ud0-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5">For me, if my brother or sister is upset and feels like he or she hasn't been heard or been treated equally in the family, what would happen if I told him or her: "Yes, you have been heard" and "Yes, you have been treated equally in the family."? </font></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="12ud0-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;">You Got It: We'd have a big blowup. This is especially true if historically his or her point of view is valid. If he or she had been mistreated or marginalized in the family previously, to dismiss his or her concerns now would be insulting. </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;">Even if I can't see his or her perspective at this juncture, what good would it do for me (and the family in general) if I rigidly stuck with an opposing position? While I might feel satisfied that my position or perspective is justified, I can kiss any semblance of family harmony goodbye with that pose.</span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="12ud0-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><br /></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="12ud0-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="12ud0-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5">If a family member feels like he or she is disempowered relative to the rest of the family and I'm the 'head' of the family, shouldn't I see that keeping a rigidly opposed position is harmful? Wouldn't it make sense for me to really listen to why my brother or sister feels that way? Wouldn't it makes sense for family harmony to see what we could do to make my brother or sister feel empowered? For example, if my brother or sister has been bullied in the past within the family and survived it, I could say, you know, "It happened and you are stronger person for it, so let's just move on for the sake of unity". However, chances are that attitude would cause problems. Yes, it is good that he or she survived the bullying and it toughened him or her up, but that doesn't mean it had no long-term negative effects or damage. Nor does it mean that it could be ignored or pushed aside casually out of convenience. Sure, I might not be responsible for the bullying that happened. I might not have even been there when the bullying happened, but that doesn't mean that it's fine to avoid a role in the family healing process. Maybe there have been overtures from the bullies in the family towards my brother or sister. That doesn't mean that I can say, "well they've dealt with it and it's all good now". No, as a leader of the family, I should willing to dig deeper and look harder at the damage. If my brother or sister still feels hurt or marginalized, I should be willing to see how I could lead an effort to make him or her feel included and protected.</font></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="dsa0p" data-offset-key="fudos-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="fudos-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="fudos-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5"><br data-text="true" /></font></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="dsa0p" data-offset-key="4uvah-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="4uvah-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; font-size: 14px; position: relative;"><font size="5"><span data-offset-key="4uvah-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Switching gears for a moment, I realized a few years ago you can't easily fix everything. That doesn't mean you can't fix anything or shouldn't try. Instead of throwing our hands up in the air or saying what's the use, shouldn't we attempt to work on that which we can fix or improve? If we value family harmony, shouldn't we work to find a way to make sure everyone in the family feels equally respected and valued? In the case above, equally respected and values includes addressing the bullying that occurred. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">In a sense, we when we address issues like that, we are taking on the role of our brother's keeper.</span></font></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="4uvah-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; font-size: 14px; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="4uvah-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5"><br /></font></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="4uvah-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; font-size: 14px; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="4uvah-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5">Brother's keeper role: </font></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="4uvah-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><ul style="font-size: 14px;"><li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5">That doesn't mean we do everything for our injured or marginalized brother out of pity for the hurt or unfortunate circumstances he has found himself under. But, it means giving of ourselves where we can and it would be helpful. It means making sure our brother has the tools available to help him help himself. For example, if I make sure my brother has access to a good education, I am helping to do him right in the long-term. </font></span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5">That doesn't mean that we absolve our brother of any responsibility for his role in the family or of any expectations. Instead, as a family, we can seek to find a healthy and strong role in the family for our brother. We should encourage him to have high expectations for himself and seek to make sure he has all the tools available to achieve that. That may include giving of our own tools.</font></span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5">It means we take a role in making sure our brother feels like he has an equal stake in the family. He needs to know that his input matters. He needs to know that his contributions can lead to him reaping the rewards that the family yields. If he feels empowered, it will help him and help the family as a whole. If he feel disempowered or hindered, the whole family suffers and he likely feels alienated.</font></span></li><li><font size="5"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It means we work to make sure that our brother feels like he has an equal voice in the family. In the example above, p</span>art of this process includes addressing the bullying and working to make sure that doesn't happen again. After being bullied he may not feel that he has a equal voice, especially if it appears like the bullying never went away or that he feels he might still be subject to it.</font></li><li><font size="5">It means realizing that even if our brother makes a mistake that our brother is not a mistake and not to treat him like one. In other words, showing compassion and forgiveness. Each of us are imperfect and make mistakes, but that doesn't mean we can be marginalized. Similarly, we shouldn't marginalize family members when they make mistakes.</font></li></ul><div style="font-size: 14px;"><font size="5">Ideally, if we all seek a role as our Brother's--or Sister's-Keeper, we will have each other's back and hopefully will have an empowered family. However, if we ignore our role as our brother's (or sister's) keeper and let our brother or sister feel disempowered without trying to remedy that, our family will not be as strong as it should be and ultimately it is at risk of collapsing.</font></div><div style="font-size: 14px;"><font size="5"><br /></font></div><div style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5">--</font></span></div><div style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5"><br /></font></span></div><div style="font-size: 14px;"><font size="5">I could have spoken of race relations directly in this blog post, but I feel sometimes we get lost in the 'black and white' literally. Meaning we get lost in tribalism or a camp and can't see the bigger picture. Historically African Americans have not been treated well in this country. Slavery, lynching, Jim Crowe, etc. are a huge stain on our country which only through cooperation we can fully move forward from. By move forward from, I don't mean to ever forget, but I mean to row in the same direction. If we keep fighting the same battles over and over again, we are rowing in the opposite directions and will not get very far. If we find a way to row in the same direction, we work towards rowing to a happier and more spiritually healthy destination.</font></div><div style="font-size: 14px;"><font size="5"><br /></font></div><div style="font-size: 14px;"><font size="5">We have to identify where we've made progress and where we need to make progress. We all--black, white, brown, yellow and red--have to be part of the solution. We have to be willing to to adjust where we find ourselves part of the problem. <span style="font-family: inherit;">For our country to survive long term, I believe we have to view each other (by group and individually) as members of a larger family called SOCIETY. I cannot control what was done before me and/or by others, but what I can control is pushing to make sure that people as individuals, a group, a resident of my state and as a U.S. citizen are:</span></font></div><div><ul><li style="font-size: 14px;"><font size="5">Treated justly</font></li><ul style="font-size: 14px;"><li><font size="5">Under the law.</font></li><li><font size="5">Under my faith. (Think golden rule)</font></li></ul><li style="font-size: 14px;"><font size="5">Treated fairly.</font></li><ul style="font-size: 14px;"><li><font size="5">Making sure that all have a legitimate shot at the dream.</font></li><li><font size="5">Includes doubling down to make sure those who have historically been disadvantaged and underserved have a legitimate shot too.</font></li></ul><li style="font-size: 14px;"><font size="5">Treated equally.</font></li><ul><li style="font-size: 14px;"><font size="5">We should strive to treat people as even-handedly as possible, even when their circumstances differ.</font></li><li style="font-size: 14px;"><font size="5">It doesn't mean we don't reward excellence. On the contrary, it means push for excellence for everyone.</font></li></ul><li style="font-size: 14px;"><font size="5">Treated respectfully</font></li><ul style="font-size: 14px;"><li><font size="5">Essentially treated each other as one of God's children.</font></li><li><font size="5">Love all people as my neighbor and help where I can.</font></li></ul></ul></div><div style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5">It's funny I was listening to TLC the other day and read up on them. I didn't realize that they were the 2nd largest selling all-female group of all time and the largest selling American one. In other words, their music crossed over everywhere. Obviously, I come from a different background than them. I'm sure how I express myself in word and in message is different in many ways. However, I realize that they are part of the fabric of our society. When I listened to them, I realize that I wasn't listening just listening to three young women singing R & B music, I was listening to three young women singing American music whose accomplishments I think deserve to be honored in our Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They captured a moment in the 1990s breaking down gender and race barriers. They are not just the best selling African-American all female-group of all time, but they are the best selling AMERICAN all-female group of all time. They are part of the fabric of our society. Part of our healing is making sure that each of us, independent of race or starting point, feels like they are part of our society. We are very diverse it is not always comfortable for all sides, but we have to find a way, to find a middle ground where we can respect each other properly and not point fingers. We have to find a way where we can appreciate what everyone brings to the table instead of isolating.</font></span></div><div style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5"><br /></font></span></div><div style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><font size="5">I dunno, just some thoughts.</font></span></div><div style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="dsa0p" data-offset-key="e0g1o-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-offset-key="e0g1o-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="dsa0p" data-offset-key="9r3kl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/FrLequ6dUdM" width="560"></iframe>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-57031216547951600052020-06-26T18:23:00.001-05:002020-06-26T18:23:12.306-05:00How To Give Up Power Gracefully: Accepting the Possibility of Failure<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlFE3iN1xVA-UNEy9UPo2hpOlkbgXrMhXViIBudnXn6rJRK9r8aHFiTSc9-iLmbHld2v09uJZ4vqfnhFL59lBWa13Xjc9kcOIh1IQCHF0NUHfy_Xk5Lt244ru6rPggEAn_B0sFt6lJ2ML6/s528/cooltext-357125448028865.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="376" data-original-width="528" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlFE3iN1xVA-UNEy9UPo2hpOlkbgXrMhXViIBudnXn6rJRK9r8aHFiTSc9-iLmbHld2v09uJZ4vqfnhFL59lBWa13Xjc9kcOIh1IQCHF0NUHfy_Xk5Lt244ru6rPggEAn_B0sFt6lJ2ML6/s320/cooltext-357125448028865.png" width="320" /></a></div><font face="helvetica" size="5">Recently with the Coronavirus Pandemic raging, I had custody of my daughter for about five weeks. My daughter was just finishing spring break when her school was shut down for Covid-19. I had/have been working from home since that time myself. Until recently her mom wasn't able to do so. So, she wasn't in a position to do anything except call her during the day to make sure she was on track. Beyond that her mom works at a hospital, so there was initial fear that her mom could get the virus at work and spread it to my daughter. After about 4 weeks of work full-time/homeschool, I was getting stressed out. At that point, her mom asked wanted to switch custody. This would give me a break from working full-time/quasi home-schooling my daughter. Obviously, giving my daughter a chance to see her mom and vice versa was a big part of the equation. However, I paused for a moment and was silently screaming, but I can't give her up now, we are just getting untracked with her e-learning. I knew that wasn't the answer I needed to say. So, I said let's work on a transition.</font></div><div>
<font face="helvetica" size="5"><br />
I felt like over the previous weeks, that we had a system in place that could potentially maximize her productivity. Also, I knew I could help her in some areas which my background is very strong. For example, math is a very strong point of mine. Mostly, I felt like I had a beat on her productivity. I was afraid that she would lose the momentum that she gained with me. In short, I was concerned I was afraid of losing control. My intentions were noble. I wanted her to do well with e-learning and I didn't want her to lose momentum or ready access to my help. My heart was saying 'no', but my mind was saying, 'you really should transition her'. <br />
<br />
In my brief flirt with control on the issue (and the lingering feelings), I verified a few things I knew and learned a few more about power and control. So, what did I "learn or relearn" about power, control and human nature.<br />
<br />
Power/Control Observations.</font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5">-----------------------------------</font></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">It is often driven by fear--a fear that you are the only one who can do 'what needs to be done' properly.</font></li><ul><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">Your assessment may not be accurate. Often times there is more than one good solution to a problem.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">Your assessment and actions may discourage others from trying to help. Why fight someone who thinks they act as if they are the only one who can do something right?</font></li></ul><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">Uncertainty or inability to 'read' others whom you would be yielding control to. It sometimes doesn't matter if others have shown the capability of being responsible, just the chance that it might not be done right, is enough to 'not risk it'.</font></li><ul><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">When I'm driving, I know what my intentions and what my capabilities are. When you are driving, I can't tell if you are aware of 'how close you are' to the person in front of or if 'know you need to get over' So, I might harp on you about your driving even when you know you have it under control.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">When I'm driving, I know where I am going and I know the route to get there. If you have told me where it is and aren't sure if I know, you might to try to back seat drive. The fact is, I might actually have a good idea how to get there and haven't really said anything or asked because I knew how to get there. But your uncertainty might cause you to feel like you need to 'control' the situation and "make sure" I know.</font></li></ul><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">The goal can be or seem noble or selfless. </font></li><ul><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">I just want to make sure it all turns out for the best, especially if I'm very experienced at it.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">I'm looking out for 'your' best interest and I'm am willing to help or do the heavy lifting.</font></li></ul><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">The impact however can be negative.</font></li><ul><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">It can discourage the other person from even trying. If you feel like another is micromanaging you and always taking charge on their schedule, it feels like too much trouble to fight assert your role or try.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">It can remove the opportunity for the other person to learn from trial and error.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">It can remove the opportunity for a solution that is just as good or better to be discovered.</font></li></ul></ul><div><font face="helvetica" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5">In my story, in my mind, </font></div></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">I was afraid of my daughter losing her progress or momentum.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">I was afraid of letting another be in charge of the seeing to it that she got her homework done or the help she needed.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">I assumed that my way 'would work indefinitely' and not have it's own drawbacks. </font></li><ul><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">Such as me getting burned out or her resisting my pressure/steps to keep her on track.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">Such as she needed not seeing her mom and pets on her mom's side would have no ill effects even if it was just for a few more weeks. </font></li></ul><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">I assumed that no one else could find a similarly effective path towards making sure she was on track.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="5">I had the hubris to think to for a moment to assert that it was MY role as opposed to a shared role. Even if what I felt was true that I might have a little bit more effective way of keeping her on task, I had to accept that the need to exchange custody was greater.</font></li></ul><div><font face="helvetica" size="5"><br /></font></div></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5">In a matter of moments, I had given up 'control' of keeping her on track (and keeping custody). At first, because I knew I had no right to ask to keep custody so I could oversee her e-learning I acceded quickly to her mom's suggestion. However, I came to realize soon thereafter that it was, for me, a control issue. I hated give up custody. Also, I was nervous that her e-learning momentum could be lost, but I realize that I had to accept the possibility that my daughter would 'fail' at keeping up her e-learning momentum. I realize a number of years ago that "I can't fix everyone", nor should I try. Similarly, I had to accept the fact that I couldn't guarantee what I deemed a 'successful' outcome. To not understand otherwise would be not to understand the idea of letting go of trying to 'control'. I had to let go and let God. I was sad to be giving her up a few days later and I was a little nervous, but I knew in my heart that I was accepting the role that laid out rather than trying to be a control freak.</font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5"><br /></font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5">Just some thoughts,</font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="5">Rich </font></div><div><br /></div>
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<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/LH8xbDGv7oY" width="560"></iframe>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-7138844499883900212020-06-11T00:39:00.002-05:002020-07-10T12:28:06.290-05:00I will be waiting (brick by brick)<p style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; display: block; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px 0px 6px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4" style="line-height: 1.5;"><font color="#d52c1f" style="line-height: 1.5;"><font style="background-color: #fce8b2; line-height: 1.5;"></font></font></font></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><font size="4" style="line-height: 1.5;"><font color="#d52c1f" style="line-height: 1.5;"><font style="background-color: #fce8b2; line-height: 1.5;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5IM1YbspvwrX-BDR0qVgAG_gD2XpZ8kk19mBM98mIwdWOpDjDw3uciem21FeQs8vRbxEunC-O6Xi3vlCOlZjML6LCLM7FcPX-YfvDuSpXeNYI-q2Uq8b4MlUsvbM9-TccnpeL03iicWFb/s576/greenmile.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="576" data-original-width="413" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5IM1YbspvwrX-BDR0qVgAG_gD2XpZ8kk19mBM98mIwdWOpDjDw3uciem21FeQs8vRbxEunC-O6Xi3vlCOlZjML6LCLM7FcPX-YfvDuSpXeNYI-q2Uq8b4MlUsvbM9-TccnpeL03iicWFb/s320/greenmile.png" /></a></font></font></font></div><font size="4" style="line-height: 1.5;"><font color="#d52c1f" style="line-height: 1.5;"><font style="background-color: #fce8b2; line-height: 1.5;">I remember right after 9/11, events were being cancelled, and the things closed up for a period of time, not like with Covid-19, but still. Anyway, the nation was still in shock, we didn't really know what was going to come next and life just seemed surreal. Anyway, 9/15/2001, I went to a Matchbox 20 concert and there was an eerie seriousness in the crowd. The lightheartedness and banter that usually proceed a concert were not there. You could almost cut through the stun<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.5;">ned silence. So, the curtain finally raised and what song did Matchbox 20 choose? Why, Time After Time. It was odd choice to me, but strangely appropriate. I think as a nation we were a little lost in the moment and we needed to hear something reassuring. You could almost feel a bit of a shift in the mood. Maybe people held each other a little closer, just realized that they weren't alone in the moment. To me that seemed like one last time we came together as a nation. We can go back and forth as to who is to 'fault' for losing the moment. Maybe, it was unrealistic to move forward indefinitely with that sense of unity and purpose?</span></font></font></font><p></p><p style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; display: block; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px 0px 6px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4" style="line-height: 1.5;"><font color="#d52c1f" style="line-height: 1.5;"><font style="background-color: #fce8b2; line-height: 1.5;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.5;"><br /></span></font></font></font></p><div class="text_exposed_show" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; display: inline; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 1.5; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><p style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px 0px 6px;"><font color="#d52c1f" size="4" style="background-color: #fce8b2; line-height: 1.5;">I hope one day we can have that sense of unity and purpose again. We can debate whether a (D), (R), (L) or (I) is responsible. We can debate why we lost that moment. We can debate whether a Police Chief, Mayor, Governor, Representative, Senator, Alderman, President or the constant drumbeat of negativity in the news is 'at fault' for why we are where we are at this point. But, ultimately it comes back to each of us. Brick by Brick, House by House, Building by Building, School by School, etc. we can either choose to build up or tear down. We can choose to be part of the problem or can choose to be part of the solution. We have to take personal responsibility for loving our neighbor. Our neighbor may have a brick, maybe we can see if they could use help building with that brick, instead of assuming that they that brick is meant for a window? Maybe if more people asked our neighbor if they could help them build with the brick instead of assuming it is meant to tear down. Maybe we can see if they are lost and looking. Maybe if we are open to it, they can find us 'helping hand' in us, literally "Time after Time".</font></p><p style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin: 6px 0px;"><font color="#d52c1f" size="4" style="background-color: #fce8b2; line-height: 1.5;"><br /></font></p><p style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin: 6px 0px;"><font color="#d52c1f" size="4" style="background-color: #fce8b2; line-height: 1.5;">Bittersweet... You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...</font></p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;"><font size="4"></font><font color="#d52c1f"></font><font style="background-color: #fce8b2;"></font><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/UuxCOjoFp7Y" width="320" youtube-src-id="UuxCOjoFp7Y"></iframe></div><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;"><br /></p></div>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-65003087469636860832020-06-06T00:37:00.005-05:002020-07-05T11:50:32.061-05:00Missing the Middle Ground - Finding answers the hard way.<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicfUO-G8eTGWzCcwk94xy0i83GJcUU_rZnpF-1djwCNlhTefxr1Py2vtiP8LV3j179o82gm5onRWGyEIs97SHUiSYEI699moaJqJEstQgXrs6csdgH36eSQ_UmXbGbL17AKEYK5jvCo56u/s423/cooltext-357150773852463.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div><font face="trebuchet"><font size="4"><img border="0" data-original-height="365" data-original-width="423" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicfUO-G8eTGWzCcwk94xy0i83GJcUU_rZnpF-1djwCNlhTefxr1Py2vtiP8LV3j179o82gm5onRWGyEIs97SHUiSYEI699moaJqJEstQgXrs6csdgH36eSQ_UmXbGbL17AKEYK5jvCo56u/s320/cooltext-357150773852463.png" width="320" /></font></font></div><div><font face="trebuchet"><font size="4"><br /></font></font></div></div></a><font color="#000120"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><div style="font-size: 16px; font-weight: 400;"><font size="4"><b>I know everyone who reads this won't agree with this, but I write in good faith and with good intentions. I don't claim to know everything and I don't claim to be right on everything. Also, some things I write about, I realize my perception isn't complete. In other words, maybe I am only seeing part of the story or don't quite 'have it down yet'. So, where am I going with this? This is a follow-up to <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2017/11/stereotypes-are-often-not-stereo-but.html">Stereotypes are often not Stereo, but instead Mono</a>. It was a reflection on the Michael Brown case initially, but ended up being largely about my father. I guess I just need to reiterate the general concept.</b></font><br /></div><div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><b></b><br /></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>Kids bicker among each other and to their parents and at their parents. Yes, much of it "I shouldn't have to do this" or "life's difficult" or "Joey hit me" or "Sally made fun of me" or "You don't care about me" or similar. Frankly, adults do this too, but it doesn't necessarily take the same form, but I digress. This can be tiresome for a parent and even grating. As such, it can easy to throw out the baby with the bathwater. Lodged inside the bickering and gripping often are points or legitimate concerns. Now, as a parent you can't just let a kid bully or shame you until you get their point. However, at the proper time--maybe when the dust settles--it is important to acknowledge their underlying point. It is also best if you can direct them to do their best to get to the underlying point sooner, make it more clear if possible or not to add dramatics to it. However, some parents will never get it. Additionally, some parents don't seem to care if they ever get it as they have in their mind THEIR idea of how kids should think, behave, etc. Anyway lodged in this process of theatrics is a middle ground.</b></font></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"></font><b></b><br /></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>As a country, we seem to miss the middle ground. We have a problem, an issue, we overcorrect. We elect a politician who is significantly on one side of the political spectrum and that person drags the country or state heavily in one direction, sometimes too much. So, what do we do after we realize that? We elect someone who is far on the opposite side of the spectrum. In other words, we overcorrect. What seems to get lost is the middle ground. We have a tragedy unfold before our eyes in Minneapolis as caught on video. That was a good moment for raising our voices to be heard and reflecting on where we are as a nation and where we should be without steamrolling everything in the process. Unfortunately, for many that wise middle ground has been lost. In a number of cases, what are legitimate and righteous protests have been overshadowed by clashes, rioting and looting with many injuries and death along the way. I realize that some say that that's the only way that they'll be heard, but really is that what we are shooting for? I feel the message is getting lost in the optics of the situation. What I see is many people are largely taking two camps again.</b></font><br /></div><ul style="font-size: 16px; font-weight: 400; text-align: left;"><li><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>You need to literally tear everything down to make your point.</b></font></div></li><li><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>If you don't take the stand that I think you should, you are okay with the status quo.</b></font></div></li></ul><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>OR</b></font><br /></div><ul style="font-size: 16px; font-weight: 400; text-align: left;"><li><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>Protesters are just trouble-makers,</b></font></div></li><li><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>Why should we listen to the message when some take it too far?</b></font></div></li></ul><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"></font><b></b><br /></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>In the moment, we have lost much of the middle ground. Instead of constructive dialog and a serious push for necessary change, it seems like we are just retreating into camps. To me, it's sad it has to come down to this. There has to be a good middle ground where concerns are heard and acted on rather than letting them fester and build up. There has to be a good middle ground where we can push for justice without destroying everything in the process. </b></font></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"></font><b></b><br /></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>Whether it is in our families, our schools or in our society, we have to find a way to break through. We have to find a way where we can hold people accountable where necessary, but also not go in assuming that others who aren't fully with us, are acting in bad faith. Often times unnecessary fights flare between those who could get along. I think this happens because there is an underlying assumption that the other party doesn't have our interests in mind. In other words, the other party has their own interests in mind and will not yield for my interests at all. That is, they are only interested in themselves and their interests and at best could care less about how their stance affects my interests.</b></font></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b></b><br /></font></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>Yes, we have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. However, when we start slamming cartons of eggs on the table, we are left with more of a mess than an omelet. We have to be know about how many and which eggs to break and how to break them to effectively make an omelet. If we just recklessly break eggs just because we are impatient for an omelet (change), even if we end up making an omelet, it will be a poor quality one and will probably have a lot of egg shells in it. In other words, if we push recklessly for change, we may get change, just not the change we need.</b></font></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b><br /></b></font></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>I'm always for self-improvement as an individual and a society, but we have to be wise about it and avoid going to extremes when there is a good solution that can be had in the middle. In other words, pick out the eggs that we need to break (the old ways that need to be broken), break them in a constructive way (in a way that doesn't destroy everything else in the process) , add the proper and proven 'change' ingredients from recipes (good replacements for the bad ways) and have a seasoned chef guiding the making of the omelet (trusted leadership overseeing change). It may feel good to just start cracking the eggs, winging it and saying we don't have time to make it properly. But, when it is time to serve the omelet, if it is not made properly, their will be additional cost (more pain) to remake it.</b></font></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>I hope as a nation we can find a way to listen to each other and not just talk past each other. I hope as a nation we can come to a good consensus for necessary change. I hope as a nation, we can find the moment and seize it, and not use the moment to push without compromise or discussion our position as the only right, complete and proper way. We don't need to sellout and capitulate just to get a few crumbs, but we can seize the moment and seize the common ground, realizing a win means taking what is there. The battle for self-improvement as a society will not be fought and won in one day. We can't tear each other apart if we aren't in complete consensus. We can't have it be all my demands be met everything gets 'blown up'. We can't take that extreme position. If we do, we risk blowing up the message in the process. </b></font></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b><br /></b></font></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>IMHO, MLK was effective because he understood that that unfortunately as a nation that we weren't completely ready, but that we could be moved dramatically in the right direction. He knew that it was a process. He could have got frustrated at the pace of progress and pushed more forcefully for change, but he knew it would be best that he find a middle ground, both in tactics and in outcome. The country wasn't going to change overnight. So, he took victories when and where he could and continued to peacefully push the envelope. He knew the path to success wasleaving the agents of status quo no option except to risk looking like extremists while his movement showed peaceful resolve. </b></font></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b><br /></b></font></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>As a nation we still have work to do and I believe in light of the case of George Floyd the moment is available. I believe however, ugliness of some to tear everything down potentially sets back that moment. The ever growing list of demands OR ELSE are not conductive to a healthy path forward. We are losing the middle ground IMHO. Unfortunately, just like parents who get bullied by their kids the moment is at risk. I fear that instead of coming to a healthy understanding and path forward, we risk further dividing. Unfortunately, that means we risk only coming to the answers that hard way..</b></font></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b><br /></b></font></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><font size="4"><b>Just some thoughts,<br />Rich </b></font></div></div><div style="font-size: 16px; font-weight: 400;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: 16px; font-weight: 400;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: 16px; font-weight: 400; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: 16px; font-weight: 400;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: 16px; font-weight: 400;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: 16px; font-weight: 400;"> </div></span></font><div><font color="#000120"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"> </span></font></div>
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Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-80652601305227651392020-05-23T04:13:00.000-05:002020-05-23T04:13:13.631-05:00What's really important: one person's opinion and a soulworm.<div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrAwDylOnuESLe04LMnpCPf7V1F45w96_NopZ2xU4DqA8LDINKhHCWp02kusDYmp1POjjGyNNLl3w75xgUfaPMjPfo0rqB3XrNwBIaiHZUMOyWAIDCdMa0wzWkS5ZvmZlv51QEQ4PYDlJY/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="318" data-original-width="355" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrAwDylOnuESLe04LMnpCPf7V1F45w96_NopZ2xU4DqA8LDINKhHCWp02kusDYmp1POjjGyNNLl3w75xgUfaPMjPfo0rqB3XrNwBIaiHZUMOyWAIDCdMa0wzWkS5ZvmZlv51QEQ4PYDlJY/s320/cooltext-357227096003064.png" width="320" /></a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div>We are now well into the pandemic season that has shut down much of the U.S. and the world. States and countries are starting to relax their restrictions and life is to a degree getting back to normal. However, we are still far from in the clear. Regarding pandemics, I've always thought of them in terms of an out of control contagion literally striking down everyone it comes across. In other words, I hadn't really thought about it much. What I thought was more like the Hollywood depiction of it. What I've come to realize is that like earthquakes, there are magnitudes of disaster in pandemics. Just like each earthquake isn't the 'big one' like the 1906 one that destroyed San Francisco, every pandemic is not the Spanish Flu or Bubonic Plague. Covid-19 may not be the Spanish Flu or Bubonic Plague, but it is a game changer in some ways for sure. Hopefully, it will be seen as a warning shot that we heeded for that day we might face an even more deadly and contagious flu or plague. </font></div><div><font size="4"></font><font face="verdana"></font><font color="#d52c1f"></font><font style="background-color: #eeeeee;"></font><br /></div><div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">What got me to think about all this was the movie <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contagion_(2011_film)">Contagion</a>. It depicted a deadly pandemic originating out of Hong Kong. By the end of the movie, we are told that it would infect 12% of the world with a 20-30% fatality rate before a vaccine would be widely distributed. In other words, deadly on a scale worse than WW2. The movie opens up with Gweneth Paltrow's character exhibiting a rough cough. She was on her way home from Hong Kong. A few days later in dramatic fashion, she literally dies before her husband's eyes. Her son--his stepston--dies also passes on from the deadly virus shortly thereafter. This was just the opening sequence. As we see during the movie, people are dying left and right. This leads to chaos erupting--stores, pharmacies, banks, ect. are looted, mobs forming, fighting breaking out for limited supplies, states totally shutting down their borders and the government hiding out from the virus. While, this is happening, her surviving spouse--played by Matt Damon--and his daughter are navigating their way through survival. He's immune, but his daughter may not be. So, it is his responsibility to protect his daughter's health and survival. That means her and her boyfriend can see each other until there is a vaccine as he could theoretically pass it on to her. </font></div><div><font size="4"></font><font face="verdana"></font><font color="#d52c1f"></font><font style="background-color: #eeeeee;"></font><br /></div><div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">By the end of the movie, the vaccine had been developed and slowly being distributed. Shortly after they receive the vaccine, Matt Damon's character relents and lets his daughter and her boyfriend get together at his (Damon's) place. It is prom season and the we see that the family room is decorated for the occasion. The young couple is in their prom finest. In any case, before the boyfriend arrives, Damon's character notices on his camera pictures of his late wife and finally breaks down. The movie closes out to the young couple dancing in the family hauntingly to <a href="https://vimeo.com/64413168">All I Want Is You</a> by U2. It was the perfect close. </font></div><div><font size="4"></font><font face="verdana"></font><font color="#d52c1f"></font><font style="background-color: #eeeeee;"></font><br /></div><div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Literally society and they in particular were impacted by the pandemic and their world was changed forever. They lost loved ones close to them and a cross section of the population was gone forever. There is no telling what all they lost during the pandemic:</font></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Part of their family and likely friends.</font></li><li><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Freedoms</font></li><li><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Relative sense of invincibility.</font></li><li><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Everyday things we take for granted.</font><br /></li><li><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Loss of the life they knew it.</font></li></ul><div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">The time before the vaccine was hard and they lost a lot. However, the remaining family--the dad and the daughter and the daughter and her boyfriend--had not lost each other. It was a bittersweet time, but hey had kept their dignity, sense of right and wrong and most importantly kept each other.</font></div><div><font size="4"></font><font face="verdana"></font><font color="#d52c1f"></font><font style="background-color: #eeeeee;"></font><br /></div><div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">--</font></div><div><font size="4"></font><font face="verdana"></font><font color="#d52c1f"></font><font style="background-color: #eeeeee;"></font><br /></div><div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Anyone who has experienced tremendous upheaval in their life, realizes that eventually that they following can be survived or replaced:</font><br /></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Job loss</font></li><li><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Friend loss</font><br /></li><li><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Pat of your income.</font></li><li><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Much of your material belongings</font></li><li><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Bankruptcy.</font></li><li><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Loss of part of the family</font><br /></li></ul><div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">What ultimately matters is that we find ourselves left with ones who love and value us and that we keep our faith throughout it all. They likely lost a lot, even part of their immediate family, but they hung in there and didn't lose each other. I've heard that people are a social creature. We aren't meant to be alone and unloved. Heck, even in the Bible, God saw that Adam was lonely and made him a mate. Now, there were problems in that relationship that led to the loss of Eden, but still the point remains. Adam needed a mate. So, I think what really matters is keeping those we love close, striving to treat each other well, valuing each other and the time we spend together and appreciating that we all are God's children. </font></div><div><font size="4"></font><font face="verdana"></font><font color="#d52c1f"></font><font style="background-color: #eeeeee;"></font><br /></div><div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">I've heard a song that you just can't shake to be an <i><b>earworm</b></i>. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contagion_(2011_film)">Contagion</a> and the way it ended were like a <i><b>soulworm</b></i> for me. I can't shake it. The song it closes to, <a href="https://vimeo.com/64413168">All I Want Is You</a>, is desperate pleasing by Bono of really matters: You*. An earworm, is a just something that captures you ear. But, sometimes stories, events and circumstance just capture your imagination in a profound way, which to me is a <b><i>soulworm</i></b>.</font></div><div><font size="4"></font><font face="verdana"></font><font color="#d52c1f"></font><font style="background-color: #eeeeee;"></font><br /></div><div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">During this pandemic, I hope and pray my loved ones and my readers and their loved ones keep are safe and keep remembering what is really important.</font></div><div><font size="4"></font><font face="verdana"></font><font color="#d52c1f"></font><font style="background-color: #eeeeee;"></font><br /></div><div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Peace out.</font></div><div><font size="4"></font><font face="verdana"></font><font color="#d52c1f"></font><font style="background-color: #eeeeee;"></font><br /></div><div><font size="4"></font><font face="verdana"></font><font color="#d52c1f"></font><font style="background-color: #eeeeee;"></font><br /></div><div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">-- Rich</font></div><div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;"> </font></div><div><font color="#d52c1f" face="verdana" size="4" style="background-color: #eeeeee;">* It was a love song to his wife.</font></div><div><font size="4"></font><font face="verdana"></font><font color="#d52c1f"></font><font style="background-color: #c6dafc;"></font><font style="background-color: #eeeeee;"></font><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/KgJj13ZbbzY" width="320" youtube-src-id="KgJj13ZbbzY"></iframe></div><div><br /></div>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-8319356438029951232020-05-08T20:40:00.004-05:002021-02-28T11:09:17.762-06:00Nostalgic for the good times I never had.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="helvetica" size="4"></font><font face="helvetica" size="4"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4TJM4O7U233XatdNjFXP0dWMSj4QwPihbw6v26_fkcL5m-790XwxsI6Jdk6NmuAJJPf5kOPWuofVHfL5O9yyxcD3blgy_r7EXAtgu9R4s09TT0ySBLxDA8ccCuaHj8XWgwAFCrA0dA8MQ/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="291" data-original-width="441" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4TJM4O7U233XatdNjFXP0dWMSj4QwPihbw6v26_fkcL5m-790XwxsI6Jdk6NmuAJJPf5kOPWuofVHfL5O9yyxcD3blgy_r7EXAtgu9R4s09TT0ySBLxDA8ccCuaHj8XWgwAFCrA0dA8MQ/w400-h264/cooltext356979274657163.png" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div>Recently I watched Days of the Future Past. It was a very intriguing X-Men movie with humankind and mutants fighting for their very survival against an Sentinels determined to wipe them out. One of the mutants is able to project the mind of a mutant into their body in the past. This would allow the mutant whose mind was projected into the past to effectively alter the past. The idea was to project a mutant </font><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: large;">mind's back fifty years before the Sentinel program started. Effectively, knowing what the future held, that mutant would try to halt the program in its tracks. The Wolverine got projected around fifty years into the past into the body of a younger Wolverine. In trying to change the past, The Wolverine needs to help from other mutants. One of the mutants he needs is Quicksilver. As you might guess has name implies that he can move at superspeed. They need this power to get past security at the Pentagon where they were breaking out Magneto to help them on their quest. During the rescue, the mutants are confronted by armed security who fire on them. Quicksilver uses his superspeed to outrun the bullets and knock them away harmlessly and to disable the security. This scene was played to "</span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dO1rMeYnOmM" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: large;">Time In A Bottle</a><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: large;">" by Jim Croce.</span></div><font size="4"></font><font face="helvetica"></font><div><br /></div><div><font size="4"><font face="helvetica">Later I looked up the song on YouTube and was looking at the comments. One of the posters said the song made him "Nostalgic for the good time I never had." That first struck me as funny, but then kind of bittersweet and tragic in a way. I thought about it a bit more and realized what he might have meant. The poster probably misses the 'old days'. Not because they were perfect, but because he had his future ahead of him. In other words, though the old days had their dysfunction there was a sense that there also opportunities, there were chances. In other words, the future lay ahead of him. What I hear in an echo of his words was a regret that things didn't turn out like they could (or should) have. So, he's nostalgic for when he felt like his whole life lay ahead of him. Mix that in with a little conflict that perhaps that maybe within the middle of the dysfunction, there were some <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2016/06/finding-jewels-in-darkness.html">good times in the distant past.</a></font></font></div><div><font size="4"></font><font face="helvetica"></font><br /></div><div><u><font face="helvetica" size="4">Future (looking forward from the past)</font></u></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font face="helvetica" size="4">Is uncertain but there is plenty of opportunity.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="4">Is something that we can look forward to hopefully when the present isn't satisfying.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="4">Is limited only by our ability to dream.</font></li></ul><div><font size="4"></font><font face="helvetica"></font><br /></div><div><u><font face="helvetica" size="4">Past (looking backwards from the present)</font></u><u><br /></u></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font face="helvetica" size="4">Is something we grade based on what we thought we should have done or accomplished.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="4">Is how things actually turned out rather than how we hoped they would.</font></li><li><font face="helvetica" size="4">Is limited by our inability to see good even when it appears none existed.</font></li></ul><div><font size="4"></font><font face="helvetica"></font><br /></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="4">I think it's important to remember a few things about nostalgia. Things weren't as good or bad as we remember them. There may be good that we failed to see because we were focused on the hard times. Alternatively, <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2016/06/finding-jewels-in-darkness.html">we may have failed to see that things may have turned out as good as (or even better than they should have)</a>. You can speculate on what is the proper path, but you speculation is only as good as the information you have. Similarly, you can speculate on what obstacles you may have to overcome, but life has a funny way of throwing you unexpected curveballs. Just like at 2020 so far... So, it is best to look for the hidden positives when looking back. Similarly, it is best making the best decisions that you can with what you know and turn it over to your Higher Power. With additional information that makes itself evident over time, you may realize there was a better way. However, it is pointless to focus on it after the fact. Beyond that, <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2012/04/regret-puzzle-proper-to-mourn-mistakes.html">decisions and events don't happen in a vacuum</a>. Even if you could choose the other seemingly better path, there is no guarantee that the new path will not have new and harder obstacles. For example, the car wreck you avoided might now be the car wreck you get into due to timing. </font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="4"> </font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="4">So, like everything else, nostalgia can be a good thing, just don't live in it. </font></div><div><font face="helvetica" size="4"><br /></font></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/i6rLH-X5fR8" width="320" youtube-src-id="i6rLH-X5fR8"></iframe></div><br /><font face="helvetica" size="4"><br /></font></div><div><font size="4"></font><font face="helvetica"></font><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-14835299228784835752020-05-03T17:40:00.001-05:002020-05-03T17:40:05.151-05:00A Welcome Back: Finding your roots<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuj0NE4YAWIKWVNqo2eR50imf7WNRPnM_L1hSA6r5t1bmROSrDti8uu8IwEzpIPiHgJr9vINWUTOMep87lEhSNUEKfv8JXNFk6QwsqThRjb8dwr_j8QssmjGS-zhnRTHjuntpIkoCRu6UL/s1600/cooltext356070434546705.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="357" data-original-width="527" height="270" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuj0NE4YAWIKWVNqo2eR50imf7WNRPnM_L1hSA6r5t1bmROSrDti8uu8IwEzpIPiHgJr9vINWUTOMep87lEhSNUEKfv8JXNFk6QwsqThRjb8dwr_j8QssmjGS-zhnRTHjuntpIkoCRu6UL/s400/cooltext356070434546705.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Recently I stumbled upon the song "<a href="https://youtu.be/IhzzAUaOzsk">Welcome Back</a>" when searching for another show's theme song. Now I've heard this song literally probably one hundred times, but when I heard it, I was overcome by a wave of nostalgia. <span style="color: #38761d;">Longing for the memories of times I never had</span>--hat tip to a sarcastic comment to a YouTube commenter about <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dO1rMeYnOmM">Time In a Bottle</a>. But I digress. At that time, as imperfect as it was, my nuclear family was together. My parents and my second oldest brother were still alive. I still had my whole future ahead of me, even as troubled, uncertain and not secure as it was at the time.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I had spent so much time trying to escape the shadow of my childhood and my early adulthood. I don't necessarily blame anyone for it (as dysfunction often or usually has generational roots), but I was raised in a very dysfunctional family. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom struggled with esteem issues. With each parent, the issues had a generational root. This dysfunction hurt my socialization and hindered my ability to fit in. Furthermore, due to the times and issues my own parents faced, I was subjected to <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2018/11/measwell-for-what-its-worth.html">childhood sexual abuse</a> by a "church camp counselor" and someone else whom I similarly held trust for. Furthermore, my parents divorced when I was 15, leading me to effectively be the second parent in the household. If that wasn't bad enough, I had a severe <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2015/11/anxiously-awaiting-not-just-words-for.html">generalized anxiety disorde</a>r take hold when I was 17. What could have been a time for me to savor, learn, and thrive was instead mostly a time to 'survive'. The good times I held on tight to as I know they were a reprieve from the dysfunction. As the good times came to a close, I dreaded and then mourned their passing. Though I'd always had a firm set of beliefs, I didn't truly start to find myself until I was in my mid to late 20s and began the process of healing at that point. It wasn't truly healing so much as effectively covering the wounds from being exposed. Though I remembered my childhood, in some ways, I pushed it and my early twenties away as a time to forget. I got married in the middle of this process and completed a process of starting a new life. Though I remembered my childhood, I continued to push it away.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You can only escape your past and roots for so long before you have to come to terms or peace with them. As long as I had my 'new life' up and running, it was easy to just ignore my roots. But, just like lunch and recess end in grade school and you have to get back to class, life has a way forcing you to 'get back to class'. For me, my 'get back to class' moment started in 2011 with my divorce & all that went with it, my job loss and <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2016/06/dont-you-forget-about-me-blog-i-needed.html">my brother's suicide</a>. I started to really process backwards at that point, but was I was still fighting to survive until 2013. In 2013, my divorce was finalized and my job situation stabilized. This allowed me to shift more towards process mode. I had my "<a href="https://youtu.be/IhzzAUaOzsk">Welcome Back</a>" moment on flight out to Salt Lake City for training. I was all alone heading towards a city I didn't know anyone in with only my iPod to keep me company. I had started to listen to the music of my childhood and my early adulthood leading up to my marriage. As I was listening I was overcome by a wave of nostalgia and sadness. I was literally remembering where I was and what I was doing during at the time that I embraced each song. I had built a new life starting in my mid-twenties and had largely pushed aside my old life, without having effectively processed it. I wasn't that my new life was a fraud so much as it was a new chapter in a story, where the old chapters were not completed or built up properly (processed). But, it was just me, a plane full of strangers and my music. This was a very bittersweet moment. I could have put away the music, but I knew that wasn't the answer. So, I continued the search. I realized that the 'old days' though not perfect had their moments too and that they shouldn't be shunned. Really, it was like another turning point. I was in the beginning the long road to learning to embrace the past without the weight of the hurt. I had been able to move forward much earlier with some level of healing, but some or much of deep healing wasn't there yet. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">After my divorce, I'd moved back to my hometown and though it had changed a lot, the memories were still there. Shortly afterwards, it became clear that dad was no longer in a position to take stay at home, even with help. He kept falling and no one could be there 24/7 to help him. After his final fall at home, the staff a the hospital and I encouraged him to move to a nursing home. But what to do with his place, my birth home? He would pass away within the next two years, but in the meantime, it need a caretaker. I eventually moved back there to watch over it, manage it and his affairs in the last year of his life. I had literally moved in the room of my teens. As a teen, my education was my 'ticket out', but 25-30 years later I can come face to face with the place of childhood and specifically. </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Once again, bittersweet, but it gave my time to see the place (and maybe my childhood and teens) in a different way. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">In Welcome Back, Kotter, the man character, Kotter, was a remedial student in a group called the "Sweathogs". Life had brought him full circle and now he was a teacher at his high school. Ironically enough, he was teaching a new group of "Sweathogs". But, instead of being a troubled teen, he was now a man who had learned from and could now impart knowledge and hope from experience to the same type of kids he used to be. Just like Kotter, I saw the old 'hangout' from a different perspective. I didn't 100% embrace it like Kotter, but I was able to look at it more objectively. It's been 5 years since my dad passed away and since that moment ended. But, I still look at it as learning experience.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">So, what can we learn?</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><u>Embracing the Past, finding your inner Kotter</u></span></b><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Realizing that the 'old days', even as rough as they may have been, still had there moments. (<a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2016/06/finding-jewels-in-darkness.html">Jewels in the Darkness</a>).</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Realizing that you can push back on processing the hard times, but eventually it is healthiest if you face them. You don't have to face them on their terms. As an adult, with life experiences, we don't have to see things as we used to. The bully of your childhood might have been a jerk, but he may have been dealing with his own inner demons at home, for example. Time and wisdom can grant you that clarity. </i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Realize that that was a different time and place and you faced hard times as best as you knew how at the time. Sure we can look back and think, I should have reacted differently, protected myself better, etc. But, that's looking at things from an 'adult' perspective.</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Realizing hard experiences you faced early on have</i></span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Given you the confidence or strength to face adversity throughout life. </i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Given you the ability to pass on hard-earned wisdom. </i> </span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Aspects of the past or your roots may not be pleasant to face. But, instead of avoiding them or pretending them it is best if you are able to welcome them back and consider them part of who you are. You don't have to live in that place, but you it is best if you are able to mentally able to 'visit' it without living in the hurt. Just because the roots were imperfect doesn't mean they can or should be ignored. Just as with a tree, treating or addressing damaged roots, can improve our long term health (physical, emotional and spiritual). So, just like Kotter, welcome your roots back.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Rich </span></div>
<u></u><b></b><b></b><span style="color: blue;"></span><u></u><span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/IhzzAUaOzsk" width="560"></iframe>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-4508772477591737802020-05-02T16:24:00.001-05:002020-05-02T16:24:10.517-05:00Knowing when to smile at ignorance and when to fight it.<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9KWRCTwz3-vY7F2hnnWaLzcA7fo5nJb_0Irgbpmo5LRsZ_OH8pYREjQ5nx8smymJsxXKxnR9Ctp3yU0McErjkJ2T2cjt2xeum7qyWBGgXFqVYmZ5R26NS5ucrqzKEyv7D4nvTgZcf6Utr/s1600/cooltext356366468569070.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="429" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9KWRCTwz3-vY7F2hnnWaLzcA7fo5nJb_0Irgbpmo5LRsZ_OH8pYREjQ5nx8smymJsxXKxnR9Ctp3yU0McErjkJ2T2cjt2xeum7qyWBGgXFqVYmZ5R26NS5ucrqzKEyv7D4nvTgZcf6Utr/s400/cooltext356366468569070.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">I was searching for a song or video via Google and YouTube the other day and I ran across a song and lyrics that I hadn't listen to in a long time. Many moons ago, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sting_%28musician%29">Sting</a> wrote and sang on his second album a song called <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d27gTrPPAyk">An Englishmen in New York.</a> One line that stood out in that song was "It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile". I've never forgot that line. As a kid with low self-esteem, a dad with a dominant personality and four older siblings, I was trained to accept ignorance. Now I didn't smile, but I accepted it, but never forgot it. As I left my family of origin, got older, got success under my belt and became a parent, I became more assertive and advocated for myself more. I've detailed how <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2019/11/freedom-part-2-just-another-word-for.html">2011</a> was a pivotal year in my life. I lost a long-time job, my first marriage crumbled, I was well on my way to bankruptcy and losing my house and probably most importantly <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2016/06/dont-you-forget-about-me-blog-i-needed.html">my closest sibling took his own life</a>. The last event as much as anything broke the dam in terms of me having any serious reservations about standing up for myself. I realized he never truly stood up for himself properly which cost him the possibility of healthy relationships (and a family of his own), career and financial success and most importantly his dignity. It's been nearing 9 years, but I still miss him. I digress, however.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">My brother's death, along with the hardships I was going through at the time woke me up to something: The cost of not advocating for one's self properly. He'd been ridiculed as child, had been take advantage/abused as a child and an adult, had been overlooked as a possible companion and been overlooked as a valuable contributor for a job that suited his intellectual gifts. All of this weighed on him heavily. When financial hardship that threatened his ability to 'make it' came, it was just too much for him. It cost him his life. I'd been subjected to much of the same thing he had and yet I some how 'made it'. However, as I previously mentioned, it was not a banner time for me either. It woke me up. The old Rich that tolerated any ignorance, slights, being minimized, ignored or shut down and/or being taken advantage of, disappeared quickly. I was angry for my brother and I realized my role as a dad, especially that I hoped my daughter could be proud of was at stake. Some that had known me for a long time were surprised by the transformation. Some were not ready to accept it and I had to 'remind' them that the old me had been sent packing. This was good and bad. Obviously, this had been long in the making and had been long overdue. However, the anger at what happened with my brother, my slights and the slights to my family--including family of origin--drove me. If I were honest, I'm still processing some of it. The toxic political climate of the past decade (or two) hasn't helped either, but I digress. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">This all leads to a question. What is the proper balance between suffering ignorance and fighting it? I'm not going to pretend I have the right answer or that this is not a work in progress for me. But then again, that answer may be different for different people. So, I'm going to explore this subject a little bit, throw out a few ideas and leave it up to the reader to figure out their sweet spot.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Before I delve further let me define ignorance<span style="font-size: medium;">.</span></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Slights</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Insults/Slanders/Libels/Taunts</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Threats</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Negative actions</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Continuing on... When should I smile and when should I refrain from smiling?</span></div>
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<u><span style="font-size: large;"><b>A TIME TO SMILE AND TIME TO REFRAIN FROM SMILING</b></span></u></div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><i><b>Does the ignorance harm you only?</b></i></span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">I believe many people will tell you they can roll with punches.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">However, when the ignorance is directed at their loved ones, especially their children, it seems to be a different story. In that case, I believe most people push back more.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">I believe when it is directed at the ones you love, especially where they are looking at you for protection, it is more permissible to engage it to defend on their behalf. </span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">I would consider however, if I am undermining them jumping in. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes, they need to practice or learn how to defend themselves.<b></b></span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>How much harm would tolerating the ignorance cause?</i></b></span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Will the person delivering the ignorance be seen as petty, insignificant and harmless? If so, it may not be worth the trouble as you could literally get caught up with these types every day.</span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Put another way, is the cause even worth it?</span></li>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Could the ignorance undermine your authority or cause harm to you, loved ones or your 'neighbors'. If so, challenging the ignorance may not only be a tolerable course of action, but actually the responsible course of action. </span><b></b></li>
</ul>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i><b> <span style="font-size: large;">How much harm could fighting the ignorance lead to?</span></b></i></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Is the ignorance too strong to fight at that point?</span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes the timing just isn't right. Considering fighting the battle another day. </span></li>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Will fighting the ignorance put an end to it have little impact or could it just make things much worse. </span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes the person who tailgates you and then cuts you off won't learn anything if you lay on the horn. It won't stop him or her from cutting you again or others.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes engaging the idiot driver who cuts you off, could cause further problems on the road. He or she might get pissed off that you are 'calling them' out and slam on their brakes.</span><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"></span><b></b><br /></li>
</ul>
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<ul>
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<span style="font-size: large;"></span><b></b><b></b><span style="font-size: large;"></span><b></b><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">In the Bible, my Higher Power (God) states:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: red;"><i><b><span class="chapter-1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="text Eccl-3-1" style="box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">There is a time<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-17361A" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-17361A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></sup> for everything,</span></span></b></i></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="indent-1" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: black; font-family: "quot"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: monospace; line-height: 0;"><span style="color: red;"><i><b> </b></i></span></span><span class="text Eccl-3-1" style="box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span style="color: red;"><i><b>and a season for every activity under the heavens</b></i></span> <b> (<span style="background-color: white; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "verdana" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Ecclesiastes<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> 3:1)</span></span></b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">So yes, there is a time to suffer ignorance and smile and a time to call it out. A man (woman) will tend to have a better idea of the timing. In society today, we could literally spend our time stewing in or dealing with the ignorances we are subjected to every day, but that doesn't move us forward. That keeps us stuck in the anger and/or resentment. So, it is best to consider the cost/benefit of suffering ignorance quietly vs. the cost of engaging it and calling it out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Just some thoughts. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">-- Rich</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"></span><b></b><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><b></b><b></b><br /></div>
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Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-29640209958044077692020-04-23T21:14:00.002-05:002020-04-23T21:14:17.129-05:00A negative tends to have a greater impact than a positive.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu2agGQwQrmyDH5Q9VXzmyJlrM1d7kE4eLB6rtxEx7cZSzcFDZ_3GZs0NkW3Y8THQH4_YNS6wEu72OpySTL-omuMSOnFBeL2ppyAVpYP1MXoGgF5m4g3ofbaHQnbyaVtqd-b_IFO-U4XTt/s1600/Cool+Text+-+A+lie+can+travel+half+way+around+the+world+while+the+truth+is+pu+355502483048302.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="282" data-original-width="537" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu2agGQwQrmyDH5Q9VXzmyJlrM1d7kE4eLB6rtxEx7cZSzcFDZ_3GZs0NkW3Y8THQH4_YNS6wEu72OpySTL-omuMSOnFBeL2ppyAVpYP1MXoGgF5m4g3ofbaHQnbyaVtqd-b_IFO-U4XTt/s400/Cool+Text+-+A+lie+can+travel+half+way+around+the+world+while+the+truth+is+pu+355502483048302.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">As Mark Twain was
purported to have said, </span><span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/76-a-lie-can-travel-half-way-around-the-world-while"><span style="color: blue;">“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth
is putting on its shoes.”</span></a> Obviously, what he meant was that it
is easier to spread a falsehood than to correct it. I also realized
when in was in my first year of college that failure is easier than success and
spoke about this concept in <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2015/03/the-fine-line-failure-takes-no-effort.html"><span style="color: blue;">The Fine Line: Failure takes no effort, success takes a lot
of work </span></a>. Most of the time you don't have to do anything to
fail. In fact, I believe that it is doing nothing that will inevitably
usually lead to failure. In more recent years, it has occurred to
me that a negative generally has greater impact than a positive. As a
matter of fact, the concepts here actually go hand in hand. Just as
failure is easier than success, a negative tends to be the default or more
pervasive state than a positive.</span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
But, think about. When studying history what do we put more of our energy
on? When we have both good and bad interactions with people, what do we
tend to focus more on? If we have an otherwise good driving record marred
by a life-changing accident, what will we and others focus on? When
we have a good work record marred by a very bad screw-up or marred by an
unfortunate interaction--especially if we are dismissed as a result--will we
feel like a success? When we have an uneventful or clean deployment that
ends with a trauma, what will we be tend to focus on?</span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
I've had some successes in life, but in my later 40s and 50s, I have worked
through and processes a lot as a childhood sexual abuse survivor.
The successes have helped me keep perspective BUT they did not completely
erase the impact of CSA. This all leads to the questions: Why does
the negative in many (or I dare so most) cases have a greater impact than the
positive? I'm going to consider that here:</span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><u><span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></u><u><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Impact of Negatives vs.
Positives</span></u></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"></span></div>
<br />
<ul type="disc">
<li style="color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I think the positives, though we appreciate them, we
can take them for granted and not realize their goodness or
importance. Negatives on the other hand I think are harder to
dismiss as 'these things just happen sometimes'. I think we tend to
look for a reason or why.</span></span></li>
<li style="color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I think often the consequences of a negative just is
more devastating than a positive. </span></span></li>
<ul type="circle">
<li style="color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I understand a common exercise to teach teens the
difficulty and challenges of raising a baby utilizes an egg as the
baby. </span></span></li>
<li style="color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The goal is to take the 'baby' wherever you go without
'breaking it'.</span></span></li>
<li style="color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">No matter how many times or days you've handled the
egg, if you drop it once on any kind of hard surface, it will
break. Similarly a baby can easily be injured if you drop him or
her once.</span></span></li>
</ul>
<li style="color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I believe we may savor the good or positive times and
relive them, but they will tend to become a distance memory. Their impact
can fade over time and we won't usually tend to second-guess them.
Bad or negative times, if bad enough, can come to the forefront.
From my experience, if they are not resolved, can come to the forefront
very quickly. Bad times are a lot more likely to lead to second
guessing. That is, how could we have made that choice, said those
words, done that thing, etc.</span></span></li>
<li style="color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I believe we tend to view 'negatives' as a moral
failure. Meaning we have a harder time 'forgiving ourselves'.
I think this is especially true if the weak or more challenged our faith
is. The positives we take pride in but we are taught not to gloat
too much about them or take too much credit for them.</span></span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">So believing that
negatives tend to have a greater impact, what do we do to mitigate against
that? I don't have all the answers, but I do have some ideas.</span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Mitigation Strategies
(Against the Oversized Influence of Negatives) </span></span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"></span></div>
<br />
<ul type="disc">
<li style="color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Make reminders of success prominent in your life.
Not to gloat on them or to show or develop arrogance, but as a reminder to
yourself when the bad times or negatives hit that your life has
balance. Meaning that as much of a particular failure or negative
hurts, it is not who you are.</span></span></li>
<li style="color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Remember who your Higher Power sees you as. Yes,
it hurts if the world or you in particular sees a negative or failure in
your life, but how does your Higher Power view you? For myself, I've
been taught that we are made in God's image and 'God doesn't make junk'.</span></span></li>
<li style="color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Surround yourself with those tend to be uplifting for
you. That's not to say surround yourself with yes men, but those who
will be more willing see you in a positive light than a negative.
In other words, while you don't want those who would 'Blow smoke up your
*ss', you also don't want those who would "Rain on your parade'
either.</span></span></li>
<li style="color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Learn to view negatives or failures as blessing in
disguise where possible. If not that, then at least learn to view
them as a learning experience or point along the journey.</span></span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Few people can
completely shut the negatives in their life and I believe it is human nature to
focus on the negatives over the positives. However, that doesn't have to
be a place 'where we live' but instead maybe a place we visit from time to time
or a reminder of what to avoid.</span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Anyway, that's my
thoughts for the day or my story and I'm sticking to it.</span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">-- Rich</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14px;"><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></span>
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/N01RFpaez84" width="560"></iframe>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-90588681795435729062020-04-18T22:45:00.003-05:002020-04-18T22:45:44.500-05:00Strays, Part 2: Those whose struggles we struggle with.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC5s0t4-nToRMH1R-JsJPwT0UcriNgHUgKPfSC-E-dSSGcYFvNiyZ3Zm5ks2tyKrzga-rht5ObsLjPz4m3WNywcJcIdLbPqX8l6EfpyuEKivoZXHNwg6pj2qw7gc90ubi_VjhXTAAbe1de/s1600/cooltext355019259636734.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="452" data-original-width="404" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC5s0t4-nToRMH1R-JsJPwT0UcriNgHUgKPfSC-E-dSSGcYFvNiyZ3Zm5ks2tyKrzga-rht5ObsLjPz4m3WNywcJcIdLbPqX8l6EfpyuEKivoZXHNwg6pj2qw7gc90ubi_VjhXTAAbe1de/s400/cooltext355019259636734.png" width="357" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><b>I recently read about and heard a lecture from and will probably buy a book of a man who was at age 12 started to lose his ability to communicate with others and fell into a vegetative state. After less than three years, started to regain consciousness. By age 19 he was fully conscience, but with exception of eyes, was unable to move and thus found it hard to let anyone know he was conscience and aware. Eventually a compassionate and perceptive caregiver realized when talking with him that he 'was there' and understood him. By age 25, he was sent to <span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #001001;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/University_of_Pretoria" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255);" title="">Center For Augmentative and Alternative Communication at the University of Pretoria</a></span></span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, </span>where they tested him and realized that he was conscience and aware--essentially that he was 'alive' as we know it. He was a boy, then later a man trapped in a locked body. He effectively lost his ability to communicate in virtually any way. His name is Martin Pistorious and his story is told in a book called <a href="http://www.ghostboybook.com/">Ghost Boy</a>. He eventually gained some control over his upper body and was able to communicate with others via computer software and now he even wheelchair races.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><b></b><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><b>I had written a blog called <a href="http://www.searchingandfearlesshumannature.com/2017/07/strays-thoughts-on-those-who-dont.html">Strays: Thoughts on those who don't conform or fit in.</a> It was about those who don't fit into society's mold of what is preferred or acceptable. Effectively, in a way I see outsiders as 'strays' of a sort. After reading Martin's story, I feel compelled to expand my definition of 'strays' or give a specific category of strays. If we live long enough--usually by an early age--we run across and struggle with those who struggle physically, mentally and/or emotionally. I think individually many people struggle with them. I believe as a society we struggle with them. To me these are the true 'strays'. It's one thing being an outsider and being largely invisible. It's quite another having struggles you didn't bring on yourself that literally few around you can relate to or even know how to deal with.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><b></b><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><b>Mr. Pistorious was alive and aware but he was literally out of reach of people. For most he was a chore, something to take care of. He was a living shell of a human, but not a person. It got me to remember someone in high school. I knew a kid in high school who had stunted growth and got around in a wheel chair and reminds me of a teenage version of a Shiner's Hospital kid. I sat with him, but I didn't fully embrace him as I was not sure and a bit selfish. Instead of focusing on a possible friend, I was worried about how poorly I fit in and how I'd wished I'd fit in better with the "cool kids". I have thought about that circumstance from time to time and have felt ashamed of myself that I didn't embrace him more and be a true friend. I don't know what happened him or if he's still alive, but my hope is that he was able to have a fulfilling life despite his limitations and despite not being embraced properly by people like me.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><b></b><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><b>I guess my point is this, when given the chance take some time out, go out of your comfort zone and embrace someone who is not easy to embrace, that you struggle with embracing. I don't mean to not embrace the 'run-of-the-mill' outsider, but take the time to embrace those who could use a little compassion and love. Yeah, it might awkward, you might not know exactly what to say or do, but do a random act of kindness. At this time our nation is in the clutches of a pandemic, so the opportunities might be more limited, but I would guess there still are some. When it lifts, opportunities will be plentiful.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><b></b><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><b>Whether it is volunteering to feed the homeless, to offer childcare at a 'crisis nursery', to sing to the elderly, to plant a flag for our fallen soldiers or veterans at a memorial, or to help a sick kid get a wish, they opportunities are out there to embrace 'true strays'. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><b></b><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><b> - Rich</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><b></b><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><b> Even fallen soldiers are strays, they are people who deserve to be remembered or thought of. You may never get spiritual feedback from them, but I think on some level, you will give something to them. Whether it is to their spirit or to the families that lost the loved older one, you are still giving.</b></span></li>
</ul>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><b></b><span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
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Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-74582277431262973532020-04-11T19:53:00.001-05:002020-04-11T19:57:36.219-05:00Projections of the Way I Used to Be<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">You ever make a boneheaded mistake or poor choice that you were not proud of? You ever hurt anybody in way you weren't proud of? You ever fail as a parent in a big way? You ever just fail in a big way you weren't proud of? I think everyone has been there. Sometimes or some people may want to talk out those situations or circumstance, but other times and other people will not. I think sharing with the world all your dirty laundry can be really dumb, but avoiding it all costs is just as foolish. For me, I've never been one to brag on social media or elsewhere or otherwise just breathlessly admit failures. For me, it can be like the "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2w10CVlyvIo&list=PL_FRzktB7wDQv8FeiTqL0iqGaGcVS4V6d&index=4">Wanna Get Away</a>" commercials from Southwest Airlines. If I were to wrecked my car, the last thing I want to do is admit on social media about it. For me it feels like admitting that I'm a terrible driver--even if that is not a proper characterization. I'd rather be just wanting to get away and to pretend the bad thing or mistake never happened.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I've noticed an interesting tendency that some people have. Sometimes when people make mistakes or bad choices or otherwise fail in a way that would be humiliating--or condemning if known, they will try to secretly 'atone' for it rather own it. Some examples:</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Foley#Legislation_regarding_pornography_and_sexual_offenses">Rep. Mark Foley</a> - He was chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children, yet he was found to have inappropriate communications with a young page. He "couldn't" publicly own his failings, but by chairing the committee, he could at least feel better about himself. That is, in his mind, perhaps he could privately even the scorecard. He'd be helping more people than he hurt or so he might think. Never mind, his failing would be seized on by those that he had helped to expose. </span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Ministers/priests who have come down hard on sexual deviancy, but later have been found to have engaged in it themselves. They can't own their own 'sin' publicly, but they could feel better about themselves. After all, by cleaning up deviancy in the community, they WERE doing the "Lord's work". Never mind, that they were compromised and were privately undermining the "Lord's work" in the process.</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The mindset appears to be, if I do enough good, it will atone or cover for the mistakes or bad choices I've made. Anyone who knows anything about a recovery program realizes how flawed that thinking is. It is important to own up to your bad or failures as it is to own up to your good or successes. Not doing so</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Can undermine your credibility on your good. In other words, good that is seen as a way of atoning for hidden or minimized bad, will probably be discredited as soon as the bad comes out. Even if the good was done with the best intentions, if it is tied to the bad, it will probably be seen as being done strictly out of bad intentions. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Deprives you of an opportunity to grow and potentially become a positive spokesperson of sorts. Our culture can be VERY forgiving. </span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">In the movie Catch Me If You Can, the lead character Frank Abagnale Jr. runs into trouble after his parents divorce, and commits widespread fraud, the most notable of which is check fraud. He spent time in a maximum security prison before FBI agent Carl Hanratty, who was the one that tracked him down and eventually caught him, convinced his superiors to let Frank serve out the rest of his sentence on the outside while helping the FBI with check fraud. Mr. Abagnale was forced to face his mistakes and instead of continuing his failed path, he turned it around and did right by society. He owned up to whom he was and accepted the cost of it. Doing so allowed him to move on and become example of prison leading to a successfully reformed convict. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Robert Downey Jr. struggled with drug addiction for years. But he owned up to his failures and he was given a second chance legally and career-wise. He is now recognized as a successful man and actor and a serious voice in the national conversation.</span></li>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Can deprive you of the ability to make amends or fix the problem on terms more favorable to you. Anyone who follows politics knows that politicians who get in front of bad news tend to survive the consequences thereof better. It's painful to do so, but as Bill Clinton's survival before and during his presidency indicates, owning up to bad news rather than hiding from it can help you out in the long run.</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I've been guilty of something a little bit different than that. I have sometimes misplaced or projected my feelings onto another mistake or screw-up. In other words, I'd be VERY harsh on myself for something smaller, but will not want to talk about the bigger screw-up. Inevitably, I noticed in those type of situations, when I don't own up properly to my mistake or failing, it still had a way of getting back at me. Over the years, I've lost a friendship or two by not owning up to properly to a/some mistake(s) or failing(s) at the time.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Eventually, bad news comes out and people aren't happy when they've heard it elsewhere. By owning up to much to a lessor screw-ups when in reality I felt bad about something worse, I was projecting my shame onto a small/smaller mistake. It's sort of like dismissing culpability in an accident, but beating yourself up over cutting off someone off yesterday during a drive. No, if I caused an accident, then I should own up properly to my role in it, even if doing so would expose reckless driving. Pretending or minimzing my role in it, but then saying, but you know I have inadvertently cut others off before is sort of ludicrous. But that's essentially is the driving version of what I'm talking about.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">It's hard to own up fully to mistakes, but in the long run, it is better for all who might be involved. To do otherwise is essentially like a half-hearted apology or a half-hearted acknowledgement of role or culpability. Beating yourself more over old news, doesn't help if you need to own up or atone for 'today'. If I break the fine china and try to hide that fact, but tell you out of guilt or shame that I dropped and broke a glass, it doesn't help you. For when it time for you to pull out and use the fine china, you will find out then that it is not available and you will be more upset that I hid that I broke it. My displacement of it by condemning myself too much about breaking a glass, doesn't really solve anything. Just saying...</span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I'm sure other can relate.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<br />
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/nV72YrB1454" width="560"></iframe>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102108416194995481.post-12530630297542619692020-03-12T16:31:00.001-05:002020-03-12T16:31:59.776-05:00Faking It without being Fake<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">I think by the time we are well into our adulthood, we've heard society's "grown-ups in the room" spout the cliche "It's okay to disagree without being disagreeable". Some cliches, no matter how overused they are, still have value. This one is one of them. Anyway, we've all heard others discuss having to deal with 'fake people' and it got me to think.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">We've all been around groups of people that are fake and hopefully we are not unwittingly part of such a group. We see them on Facebook and they like each other's posts. You wonder if they even care about the posts for the others in their clique or they just want to be seen as being friendly or supportive, but I digress. Sometimes you'll see them virtue signaling on social media or elsewhere and you wonder whom they are trying to impress with their 'thoughtful' take. Sometimes we'll see them hang out in clubs together. We may also see them group together at our place of education, employment or worship. Wherever we run across them, they can be annoying to be around or to deal with. Unfortunately, they due to circumstance between our control sometimes we have to deal with them--coworkers, classmates, supervisors, etc.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">We could get or stay annoyed by them. However, sometimes, especially if they have authority over us, it is best to learn how to<i> 'play the game without being a piece on the board'. </i> That is, <i>"Fake it, without being fake"</i>. Before you take this step, you have to determine what it means and if you are capable of it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<u><b><span style="font-size: large;">The Rules of the Game.</span></b></u><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Remember when you are 'going along to get along', not to cross you own red lines. Such as:</span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Not hurting others. For example, try to avoid piling on when others are being attacked, especially where the ones being attacked could be hurt or get wind of it. Even if it not harmful to the subject of the attack, it is at the very least harmful to you and those whom you influence. Besides, it is below your dignity.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Not going against your core beliefs. For example, don't resort to helping them steal or lying about work hours if that's what it takes to be part of the group.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Not putting yourself in jeopardy to get along. For example, if you work somewhere where your coworkers are doing something unethical, don't participate in hopes of being accepted.</span></li>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Be aware of what really matters and what is safe to opine about</span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Some things are throwaway such as talking about your favorite restaurants or your favorite vacation spots. As long as the 'fake' people aren't rude to you about it, what does it really matter as these are subjects that don't matter in the big scheme of things.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Some things are fairly uncontroversial such as rooting for the home teams. You can typically talk about these things without hurting other's feelings or compromising yourself.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Some things you should avoid especially if it is a sore subject for someone in the group, unless it is to empathize perhaps. No matter how 'fake' a person is, he or she still has feelings buried underneath the facade.</span></li>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Be aware of what is important to others in the game and look for areas of actual agree-ability.</span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Compliment where you can safely (and honestly) such as on their clothes, car or whatever. Fake people, often are just people search for validation. If you can provide it honestly, it costs you nothing, but can make a difference.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Ask questions that show interest. Fake people can be very vain and like to talk about themselves.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Pay attention to what they talk about, you might learn something which can help in future relations.</span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b>
<u><b>Determining if you want to play</b>.</u></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">What is the cost of the game? If the cost is too high, such as compromising your values or putting up with too much BS, it probably isn't worth it.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">What is the benefit of the game? Fake people might actually be able to help you if you 'help' them. If you show likability towards them, even if not necessarily 100% genuine, they might be pleasant to you and perhaps offer networking help.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">There is a chance that someone(s) you perceive as 'fake' are just insecure people who are playing the game too and who seek a true friend.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Can you be friendly and agreeable with fake people without the fakeness spilling over?</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<u><b><span style="font-size: large;">Is that your final answer?</span></b></u><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">When determining how you want to proceed with fake people--whether you want to avoid them as much as possible, be businesslike or kill them with kindness--you have to consider the costs and benefits.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">You have to determine how much you are willing to put yourself out there. When dealing with difficult people in general, it is best to put yourself out there as much as you are comfortable with. In other words, how much are you willing to safely share with others?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">You have to be willing to change approach if one approach isn't working. For example, </span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">If your efforts to kill them with kindness don't work and are draining you, you may have to step back and let it go. If someone is fake and doesn't accept your kindness or worse, pushes back, you have to make sure your don't allow yourself to get hurt in the process.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">If trying to avoid dealing with fake people isn't working. In other words, they try to draw you in, it might be best to accept their overtures and find where you can be agreeable with them. Otherwise, you might just have to step away from them as much as possible.</span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">This applies to adults as well, but most kids want to be accepted and thought of well. Unfortunately, I think in some cases, they resort to being whom they think they need to be instead of whom they are. They look for acceptance among the 'in' kids, they crave something that feel is missing and will do whatever it takes to get it. I think this extends into adulthood. Maturity is realizing it is okay to be yourself and not someone 'you need to be' and being comfortable with it. We have to deal with them in our teens and our adulthood sometimes. But like the saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" implies, we should make an effort to meet others where they are, especially when we can't avoid dealing with them. It may not be on our terms, and therefore may feel like we are "Faking It", but it doesn't mean that we are "Fake". Being respectful of others where they are doesn't mean we are fake, it means that we are considerate (and in some cases out of necessity). We become "Fake" when we cross our red lines to do so and/or allow it to spill over into how we deal with everyone.</span><br />
<br />
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/5NPBIwQyPWE" width="560"></iframe>Richie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16529903314020939090noreply@blogger.com0