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Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Cringeworthy parenting and Tom and Jerry as "Friends"

For those who follow my FB page, you might recognize this thought as I'd posted it previously.

I realized something deep and profound. So, I was talking to a friend today and we were talking about parent/kid boundaries. Namely being too much of a friend/buddy/confidant to your child rather than being a parent can be cringe-worthy to an outsider or yourself once you realize it. As you all know by now, my mind goes in unique directions at times. So, here goes. Okay, we all remember Tom and Jerry and how much fun it was to watch them they tangled. Though I hated Jerry always winning, I realize if Tom ever won, I guess the show would be over, but I digress. Anyway, I remember in the 1970s they had new episodes in which they were friends. I never really took to those. As a matter of fact, I found them quite annoying. I realized why.

Tom and Jerry are suppose to be natural enemies. Tom is suppose to chase Jerry and Jerry is suppose to defend himself. When they are best friends, that natural order feels completely off. Similarly, a parent is suppose to be keeping in mind his/her child's interest first, not be their child's best buddy or to seek their child's love and approval based on letting the kid have his/her way. When you see a parent/child relationship based on the latter, it feels off. I'll let you draw your own moral of the story or conclusions.


Tuesday, February 10, 2015

The highway, one-way streets and embracing vs. tolerating.

Do you find yourself consistently giving and giving in relationship and getting little in return?  It is like driving down the highway day after day in the same direction, cross country and expecting to make it home.   Sure, you can fill your tank up at places along the way, but eventually your car will break down and leave you stranded.  Similarly, you can scratch and claw and find hope in a one-sided, one-way relationship, but eventually you will be mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted and having nothing left for anyone including yourself.

As my ex-father in law said, "the highway goes both ways".

Sometimes you just have to pull the car off the road and wait for the other person to drive to you.  It can feel risky, scary or uncertain when you are so used to doing the reaching out, but it is a necessary step.  If nothing else, you cannot expect the other to come to you if you continually deprive him/her of the opportunity to meet you halfway.  Beyond that, sometimes you just need to know IF the other person has the capacity and presence of mind to know he/she needs to meet you half way.

----

A variety of the above concept or a finer point on the scale is tolerating vs. embracing.   Tolerating, no matter how you wrap it up is never as warm, giving or loving when compared to embracing.

      Tolerating to me means:
         a) I don't really get you, but you offer me something anyway, so I will stay with  you.
         b) I don't necessary like you, but you offer me something anyway,....
         c) If you stop offering me something in return for tolerating you, don't be surprised if I leave.
Effectively, tolerating is a calculation that what I are putting up with is worth what I am getting in return.

     Embracing to me means:
        a) Your quirks are cute, funny or charming.
        b) I accept you for who you are, not what you can give me in return.
        c) I would feel sad if you changed the things that made you uniquely you.


So, the questions I ask myself are these: Am I tolerating or embracing?  What does embracing look like?  If I am tolerating, can I get to a point of embracing?

Some things/relationships aren't meant to be embraced or tolerated,  The keys are learning to embrace what we need to regardless of how unpleasant it is and those things/relationships we shouldn't tolerate letting go of them.


Why do we do hurt each other?

Last Sunday as part of Pastor Wedel's service, he made a really simple, but often overlooked point. HURTING PEOPLE HURT OTHERS.          *(This was written when Harold Wedel was the head pastor of Harvester Church of the Nazarene in early 2015. It was also written as my dad was dying.  I only hope he finds the peace that eluded him in life.  He passed away May 1, 2015).

Sometimes, we are so caught up in our own lives, our own fears, our own addictions, our own demons that we fail to see how we are affecting those around us.   The story I tell below is not to cry over spilled milk, bash my dad or ask for pity.  Instead it is a cautionary tale about how we hurt each other when we are hurting and how if we don't deal with our own demons, they can and will affect others.  So, please read it in that regard.

With my daughter, every dollar I spend on myself, friends or someone whom I'm dating, I have to weigh it in my heart: is that a dollar that I am depriving Olivia (or some other deserving soul) the benefit of?   My focus here will be my dad's alcoholism as that is the closest example to home, but in another it could be drugs, things, food, etc.

---

My dad apparently had/has demons that he has never really shared with his children. I only know this as I have heard bits and pieces from family members over the years of his early years. I don't know much about his foster family and I know even less about his family of origin. However, I do know this, whatever demons he had/has, he took them into a marriage with my mom and into his marriage family.

When he was sober, he could be mean, resentful, controlling. I think this was out of fear largely.  When he was drunk, he was much more friendly, but also less reliable. His sickness lead to the following:

  1.  Proceeds from his paychecks going to watering holes and 'friends' of different sorts at those places.  This meant that his kids often went without.  I'm not talking about not being able to do little league or other activities,  I'm talking even more basic: eating not as healthy food, wearing beat up or torn clothes, birthdays and Christmas being generally disappointing (and embarrassing) and being promised all nature of things and rarely getting any of them.
  2. He would disappear for hours and on one occasion that I remember for days.  I would at first be glad that he was not there to fight with my mom, but then I got scared he wasn't going to come back.
  3. His kids being open to predatory types.  I think you know what I mean, so I won't elaborate.
  4. Verbal and physical abuse of my mom and his kids.
He's never owned up to his alcoholism except to say, "I went to the bars so I wouldn't have to deal with your mother.  He never has come clean on much.  He never really has opened up about his family of origin, why he was in foster care, etc.  He is a shell of his former self today and God has given me the grace to forgive him and the willingness the see him in his later days despite it all.  I look at him and see a pitiful soul.  I think to myself, I need to share the Gospel with him, but there is a part of me that thinks he'll just be ignorant about it and what's the use?

On some level, I think he might have known that he was hurting my mom and his kids, but on some level he was in a deep state of denial.  He drank, justified it by a 'tough home life' and seem to think he could control it.  From what little I know instead of dealing with his early and pervasive demons/hurts, he decided to try to medicate them away daily and when he couldn't do that he was a difficult/controlling person to be around.  Even to the point of putting his others and his kids down, to elevate himself comparatively.

In other words, he was a hurting person, who hurt others.   Sometimes purposefully and sometimes just unwittingly selfishly.  He only stopped drinking at a later point when the Dr. told him in no uncertain terms that if he continued that way he'd be headed to the grave.  But, that's another point.

My brother Bill, God rest his soul, never overcame the hurt/demons that he endured in his childhood.  His passing was a wakeup call to me, that hurts do not go away on their own.  God used a terrible circumstance to give me a new life.  In other words, HOPE.

The takeaway from this post is this: 
  1. What are we doing to deal with our fears, concerns, angst, worries?
  2. Are we dealing with them in a healthy way: talking with our Heavenly Father aka prayer, venting to friends, journaling, counseling, talking to our ministers, support groups, 
  3. Are we dealing with them in an unhealthy way: drinking, drugs, gambling, compulsive overeating/shopping, etc?
  4. How are we treating those around us?  Not how we think we are, but how actually we are.
  5. As long as we have air to breath, there is always hope.  Just as lungs can repair themselves from years of abuse smoking, God can help us repair broken lives and broken relationships.

This video below is more profound since he passed away in May 1, 2015.  Even if a parent is not the 'perfect' parent, they are your parent.

Accepting people for where they are.


As I am revamping my original blog about addiction/codependence, I will add a human nature post now. God blessed me with this enlightenment about an hour before church this past Sunday.

Accepting people for where they are:
So, as a single guy in his 40s dating and with friends who are in their 40s as well, I've come to many an insight. For example, everyone has a different path to where they are in life.
* Some have the clear path straight along the highway on a sunny day. They are very blessed and have seemingly made the 'proper' choices.
* The path of some is the scenic route where they take a few diversions. They mostly make the right choices but they make a few 'mistakes' along the way. In other words, they get to where they need to go, but they make a few 'bad choices'.
* The path of others is the long and winding road. They struggle with some of the basic questions: who am I, what is my purpose. They've made a number of questionable choices along the way. You look back at where they've come from and it is clear that it was almost inevitable that they would struggle.

What I've come to realize is that each person in my life has their own story. They have their own path. The people with the easier path, you don't begrudge them for not understanding. The people with the long and winding path, you don't judge them for where they've been. The people who took the scenic route, you listen to their story and appreciate the diversions they've taken. Really all of them you listen to their story.
God accepts each of us for where we've been so why shouldn't I? I guess the long and short of it is this: I don't care where you've come from, what you have or haven't done. As long as you are here today and treat others around you well, none of it matters. Anyway, that's my thought of the day. Take it for what it's worth. 

* (Now married - as of 3/12/16)

Just the way you are.






Sunday, May 6, 2012

Shout out to a friend

You know who you are:

Sheryl Crow: Can't Cry Anymore

I agree, wouldn't it be good to take a flight to anywhere and say so long to this life. :)


Addiction/Codependence: Alone and reaching for that bad or missing connection.

In conversations with friends in recovery--where addiction/codependence is present--I've noticed a common theme.  It seems like almost without fail, they have had a poor or non-existent family of origin connection.  

Anyway, to me, it's almost inevitable that addiction/codependence would be more likely to play a huge role in these people's lifes.   I've heard and I believe that people are social creatures.   In our childhood, we need reassurance/nurturing/validation.   I believe that if we miss this early on, people are prone to find this connection in other ways or at least a way to medicate the lack of connection away.

This can lead to a few problems:

  • Lack of healthy relationships.  We may not know how to handle a healthy relationships as we have no model to base what one looks like on.  Furthermore, if we are used to unhealthy relationships, we may be prone to think when we see a healthy one, there must be a catch.  This can lead to sabotaging it, as it is better to have the certainty of a bad relationship rather than the 'uncertainty' of a good one.
  •  Lack of trust of our Higher Power.  If our earthly father whom we can see let's us down, how could we trust our Higher Power whom we can't see.
  • Finding an unhealthy significant other or predatory 'friends' 
    •  As a friend said to me, "Healthy people, generally don't marry addicts".
    • A predator can see or sense an opening where a person is vulnerable and has the ability to adapt their "story" to take advantage of the addict/codependent.
  •  Finding something to 'medicate' away the problem.  Drugs, alcohol or illicit 'relationships', e.g.

--

Addictive/codependent behavior or relationships remind me of an artificial sweeter.


  • They seem to meet our needs, but like an artificial sweetener they leave a bad aftertaste.
  • As we live them long enough, we find that we adapt to the bad or unnatural/uncomfortable taste  to a point that healthy behaviors and relationships (sugar) becomes too rich or sweet.
  • The may seem like a decent substitute, but living with them--like baking--tends to produce an inferior final product.

Healthy behaviors or relationships remind me of sugar.
  • If indulged properly in our lives, these like sugar will bring us a more rich taste without the biting aftertaste.
  • If we indulged properly in our lives, we will be able to tell a difference between the healthy ones and the unhealthy ones.  Just as if we indulge sugar properly, we will be able to tell what is and is not a natural sweetener.
  • Properly indulging in a natural sweetener of sugar--just like healthy relations--will yield better results in baking--just like living.

Ultimately, I believe the best connections we have are with the guidance of our Higher Power.  We all may not have the advantage of starting off with the best connections as we all don't get to pick our family of origin.  However. even if we started off in an unhealthy environment which encourages with bad connections , as we grown and mature, we have a choice to hold onto the bad connections or not.  Like clinging to a cocoon, we can cling to our bad connections (and the coping skills)  Else, like a butterfly we can break free of the bad connections or sour to better heights and better connections.

In short, we can either seek the authentic sweetener OR we can settle for the artificial sweeteners.

* This blog was cleaned up and updated for republishing.


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

If I am only nice enough/helpful enough...

When people think addiction, they think addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating, sex or something similar.  These are all legitimate answers on what are some types of addictions.  One type that I think is missed is codependence.  I have come to realize that codependence is a form of addiction.  It is an addiction to the approval of others.

In listening to codependent personalities, including myself at times I get the sense of if I am only helpful, understanding, kind, generous, loving, caring enough, then I will be loved.   From what I see, often times that produces an exact opposite type response.

* Those on the other side of the equation will take your good nature for granted and will take advantage of you.  In short, they will not respect you and will have a hard time 'loving' you.

* Those on the other side of the equation will see that the codependent has no respect for themselves, but instead is trying to get respect for themselves through approval of another.  This can put off another person.

In a large sense, a more honest assessment of the situation is that a codependent "giver", often gives to get something in return: approval.  They may believe that they are giving because they are good people and to some degree they may be good natured givers.  However, if they really examined their motives, they will find that they much of their impulse to 'give' to those they hope to get approval from.  Now, we are social creatures and it is normal to hope to be approved, but it shouldn't be our primary motivator.  From what I see, if tailor our behavior toward doing the right thing, because it is the right thing--often seen as the golden rule--then I believe we will be approved and appreciated by those who are most important to us.  Ultimately, that is the reflection of  a spiritual self-approval.  

The way I've come to understand it is this.  When I strip away everything and everyone else, what I have left is God and myself.  While I know I'm not perfect, I know He doesn't expect me to be perfect.  What I have to seek out what is in His eyes, the right choices.  If my Higher Power approves of my life choices and my heart, then I have a solid foundation.  Anyone and anything else who 'approves' of me is secondary.  I expect everyone's understand of where their core approval is based is not quite the same, but I believe the point is clear. Base your need for approval in yourself (and your faith) first, and you will be less reliant on codependently seeking the approval of others.

I think one verse in the Bible puts it properly on I believe where to behave your approval:

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth. (2 Timothy 2:15)