Tis the season for music: poetic music is like a rare pearl.

I'm not sure when it hit me, but I've always related life to music and music to life.   Anyone who knows me realizes this.  I have always realized that writing good lyrics and good music to accompany isn't easy.  As I've gotten more involved in writing I've come to realize a good idea, concept or thought is a process that evolves.  I have found that while an idea may come together within a day, an hour or literally minutes, generally the formless or structured thought has been circling around in my mind for a while.  Sometimes, all it takes is a little nudge, conversation or event to crystallized the idea.  Music I believe flows similarly.

Quality music is art in words, a story that is put to a symphony of sound.   Sometimes it can be a simple statement like "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons in which the lead singer tells his struggles to get to where he is now in a poetic fashion.  He tells how he hasn't lost himself in the process.  The musical arrangement on the song I believe is time perfectly to the story.  It slowly builds as his story is told and it hits a crescendo as he expresses how he has kept himself in the process of his personal and career development.  Sometimes, it can be a more complex story.

Either way, having poetic lyrics effectively written and then tied to sound from what I see is a process that evolves over time.   From what I see, it is a process that for most successful musicians/songwriters happens only a few times in life, just as pearls are a rare gift from oysters.

We take it for granted, but I believe that even the most talented songwriters and musicians realize this and they try to strike gold when they are in the zone.

Anyway, just a thought.  So, please take with the me the opportunity to enjoy a Christmas treasure with me while appreciating this thought.

Merry Christmas,
Rich

Anxiously awaiting - Not just words for some

THE BEGINNING OF MY JOURNEY
This blog entries is probably one of my most personal ones.  It has been nearly 30 years in the making, perhaps more depending on how you look at it.  To me, the whole point of it is to share a journey from anxiety to freedom.  When I was a kid and young adult I had no reference point, I had no one who understood, appreciated or accepted it.  I don't take it personally as you don't understand or know what you don't know or haven't experienced.  Anyway, my hope has been one day that my story would help others.

I was talking to a friend recently about anxiety.  What is it exactly.  Vocabulary.com indicates:
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Anxiety is the vague, uneasy feeling you get when you're dreading something. Anxiety can also be a permanent state of nervousness that some people with mental illnesses experience, a kind of milder version of panic.
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I've always hated the 'mental illness' description of it.  It implies that it is "all in your head".  To me, it takes away from the understanding that there is a deep physical component to it.  How would I describe anxiety?  I can only speak for myself as others experience it in different ways.  Furthermore, from day to day or week to week it varies in nature or degree.  Sometimes, I barely can sense it if at all, but sometimes it be severe to a point of partially disabling.  But, I digress.  What is it to me?

* Imagine the stress you feel when a bee is buzzing around you and you can hear it.  When it is more severe, it is like the stress of multiple bees buzzing around you.
* Imagine it is a poison or toxin to your body which you feel a need to get rid of.

I  will first give a bit of a history of it for me and then dive into what I have learned.

DEVELOPMENT OF ANXIETY
I won't go into great detail, but I grew up in a very dysfunctional environmental from as early as I can remember: alcoholic father whom we often walked on eggshells around, parents that fought, a hell-fire and damnation church as preschooler/early-schooler, living in unnecessary poverty and sexual abuse.  Suffice to say, it was circumstances that would cause anxiety in any kid.  I say all this as a setup, not as a call for empathy.  Anyway, as you might imagine, it wasn't exactly circumstances that would lead to a carefree anxiety-free childhood.  I have also come to the understanding that there may be a tendency towards it that runs in families.

But, I digress.  So, I had a built-in anxiety growing up and into my teenage years.

Late in my teenage years (17), I developed a temporary, but painful heart condition: pericarditus or inflammation of the lining around the heart.  It was in the hospital for a total of 22 days between my junior and senior year in high school.  I went in with a painful heart condition and I left the hospital with a proneness to painful anxiety.  Unfortunately, I didn't recognize it until years later for what it was. Given the limitations of the time--lack of knowledge, exposure and awareness as well as having some unhelpful medical professionals (including the doctor my dad had for us), I was destined to have to deal with it the best way I knew.  This led to many years of what I call "suffering in the wilderness".  That is to say, I had an unknown, undiagnosed and untreated GAD (general anxiety disorder) which at times could be disabling.  Being unknown, undiagnosed and untreated, I effectively had to do what I 'knew' at the time would help.  Sometimes, that included avoiding conflict, avoiding large groups of people, resting and hoping it would settle down or subside.    Sometimes, it would involve me talking ibuprofen on a regular basis (as I didn't really understand it) for the tension headaches or aches and pains.   Anyway, when you don't know what you are dealing with, you deal the best way possible.  My dad was old school, predisposed to be skeptical if not hostile to anything that even remotely resembled counseling or "a behavior/mental" issue.  He also had a "deal with it" attitude.  I will write in a future blog--now called Don't you forget about me: The blog I needed to write one day about my late brother--as to how I believe this attitude helped lead to my brother Bill's downfall and eventually taking his own life (though I don't 'blame' my dad so much as recognize the how different pieces in a person's life lead to the picture being formed).  But I digress.  My mom and dad had divorced a couple years earlier and I rarely saw my mom from that point in my teenage years.  I think she had a better ability to grasp, but she wasn't readily available to help.  Anyway, my dad just wasn't in a position to or even open to being able to 'get it'.

THE JOURNEY TO DISCOVERY AND HEALING
I had stopped going to church when I was 20 and had moved away to school at UMR (now Missouri School of Science and Technology).  I felt in my mid-twenties that God had reached back into my life and reminded me of his presence.  So, I started going back to church.   Over time I have realized that God puts people in your life for a reason, and what follows is nothing short of an instance of that.  I was new to my church at the time and dealing with an unknown condition.  In my young adults group, we had a bible study at the house of someone in the group.  Anyway, we broke up into small groups to discuss our prayer concerns.  I met a friend who would change my life forever.  So, I opened up in this group about my symptoms and we prayed about it.  Afterwords, Elaine confided to me that she had an anxiety problem.  I saw her as 'having it all together'.  I had seen her as a very Godly woman, a person with a deep concern for her 'fellow man', but I NEVER would have guessed that on the inside she struggled with the demon of anxiety.  Anyway, she directed me to the church counselor and he directed me to who was to become my doctor of 18 years.   What I've come to learn over time is that some doctors are problem solvers and when they can't figure a problem out they are quick to dismiss it (almost to the point of dismissing the individual).  I have heard this referred to as having 'bad bedside manner'.  However, my doctor was quite the opposite.  He listens to the individual. He listened to my symptoms, he listened to my concerns and he didn't carry an attitude (such as this person doesn't know what he/she is talking about).  Anyway, over time he ruled out what it wasn't and gracefully ruled in what it was.  We went through a few medicines and he finally found one that helped (xanax).  I wasn't cured, but I felt hope finally and I felt like I started to really live at that point.  My usage of it has changed over time and for years I knowingly and purposefully was able to go without it.  I use it sparingly now, as over time, I have learned how better to deal with anxiety.  Where at first it was my crutch, it has become a complimentary tool in my arsenal.


MOVING FORWARD
Things I have taken away in dealing with anxiety for many years.   Some of these actually seem to be contradictory:

• Sometimes it cannot be avoided.  Nor should it be.  Sometimes anxiety is your body's way of telling you that you are avoiding dealing with the hard issues.  In a way, it can be an extension of your conscience.  In other words, anxiety can be a good motivator to change what needs to be changed.
• Examples of avoidance:  
• Living beyond your means and avoiding the reality of having to adjust your lifestyle or declare bankruptcy.
• Avoiding talking about relationship/marital problems.  Walking on eggshells around your spouse or kids.  Not standing up to an abusive/controlling family member that you need to.
• Your company is bought out and you are purposely not facing the possibility that you could be laid off.
• The price of necessarily dealing with an anxiety producing circumstance may be physically or emotionally 'expensive' at first, but in time it will become less expensive.  
• Avoiding dealing with a necessary problem due to the anxiety it produces typically make it more 'costly' emotionally and physically later.  
• Sometimes it is your body's way of telling you that you are biting off more than you can chew at once.  Some possible examples are:
• Bought a house that you cannot afford.
• Took a job that you are woefully under-qualified for.
• You are in a relationship where your significant other doesn't accept you for who you are, but 'accepts' you for whom they think they can shape you into.
• You are trying to 'rescue' a friend or family member from themselves, especially when they aren't helping themselves out.
• Things that can help reduce anxiety (not necessarily in this order).
• Medication.  It can help with it, but can't or shouldn't be used a substitute for dealing with the underlying problems that are aggravating it.
• Working out.  This allows you to channel in an outward direction the negative inward energy you have.
• Reasoned self-talk. 
• Learn to recognize circumstances/situations for what they are and don't blow them out of proportion.
• Learn that usually problems don't have to fixed or dealt with all at once.  They can often be broken down into multiple steps.
• Learn that fear/uncertainty is okay--riding the razor's edge.  Fear is a natural and reasonable response, but if you allow it, it can rule you and effectively disable you.
• Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and don't hold yourself to an unrealistic standard.  The important thing is to learn from your mistakes.
• Recognize when you are in the right and don't let another attempt to manipulate you into believing otherwise.  In other words, confidence in your position.
• Recognizing when you are wrong and not having the courage to face what that that leads to or implies.  Once again when we intuitively, or even explicitly, know that we are in the wrong, anxiety is the body's natural response to it.  I believe the technical term for it is "having a conscience".  ;-)
• Meditation/prayer/journal/counsel
• Realize that you cannot control everything and be willing to give it up to your higher power.  Doing what you need to, giving it up to your higher power (God) and accepting your higher power will lead you to the best resolution if you are open to it.  
• Realize that sometimes the best way to overcome anxiety is to understand what you are facing - writing it out, talking it out, praying it out, releasing it.
• Realizing everything we have is a gift and being willing to let go if necessary.  Sometimes this includes unhealthy relationships; sometimes this includes possessions; in the most extreme circumstances, it can include your life.
• Accepting your role(s) in life, even if you are not necessarily fond of them.  
• Being open to advise of others and not being stuck in your own preconceived solutions or notions, yet maintaining core values--not being so open-minded that you will accept anything.

Thanks for listening to my story and as a country song says, "That's my story and I'm sticking to it."

-- Rich

Playing the long season: winning at baseball, life and relationships.

I know it's vain, but anytime I have a thought which I consider might be remotely profound I write it down.  Usually, just the title.  Obviously, if it hits me hard enough, I tend to write on it immediately.

With baseball season winding down, I thought this one might be appropriate.  

Anyway, in talking to a friend a week ago or so, I realized that playing effective baseball, living a long, productive life and having long and healthy relationships have a few things in common:

• Usually when each are handled well, they have a long season.  In baseball, only a strike can cut short the long season.  In life, obviously, some people die young, but most live to they are old.  A healthy relationship can last a long time, if not a lifetime.
• In order to be effective at each, requires a lot of effort or hard work and persistence.  
• Each require you to make adjustment from time to time.  If a team isn't playing well, the lineup needs to be shaken up or the coaches need to be to find better chemistry.  Life, of course, throws us curve balls that we have to adjust to or risk emotional or physical demise.  It goes without saying in relationships we hit ruts, fall into the same bad patterns.  So, we have to make intentional changes.
• We sometimes have to be willing to lose in order to win.

The last idea really captured my attention.  It goes like this: we can't go full speed, all out, trying to win at all costs all the time.  We will get burnt out and/or break down if we try to do that.  Each circumstance requires some compromises or sacrifices which in the short term, may lead to more 'losses' or 'discomfort', but in the long term can lead to a "winning season".

• In baseball, teams intentionally rest their best players from time to time.  This includes intentionally allowing pitchers to skip a start or go with an extra day of rest--leading to a less talented pitcher taking the mound.  In the short term, you might be sacrificing your best opportunity to win a certain game or games during the season--evidenced most obviously when a team rests their best players after clinching the division.  However, in the long run, the team is making sure the players/pitchers are rested appropriately to allow the team to have the most opportunities to win in the most games.
• In life, sometimes we have to take a break from work, school or other challenges in order to make sure we don't burn out and risk having multiple aspects of our life falling apart.  Some examples are:
• In school this could mean taking a lesser course load per semester or taking a summer away from school.  This might lengthen to finish up, but might allow us the best possible results.
• In work, taking time off even when it slows the progress of your work.  In other words, saving your energy for another time. 
• In relationships, we sometimes have to be willing to let the other person 'win' on their point rather than just arguing or debating the point.  Even if you feel the other is completely wrong, some points are not worth fighting over.  Besides, if you play to 'win' every point, then you risk alienating your partner.  You risk leaving them with the impression that they are always wrong or their views aren't important or ever right.

Anyway, just some food for thought today.  Until next times....

Decisions/choices we make and the "fog of war".

This will be a short sweet blog this morning.   This reminds me of a blog that I did on Finding peace in the eye of the storm vs. shelter from it.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he explained to me that if he was back in the situation he was years ago he'd have approached things much differently.   As the famous saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.  But what does that really mean?

• Clearly we just learn more over time.  We are exposed to more circumstances that we have never faced or been through.   We also are exposed to similar circumstances multiple times.  This is to say, we can't help but pick up more knowledge and/or a greater understanding.  For example, we may empathize with a friend who lost a parent, but until we've lost a parent and had to handle that, we just don't know what all goes into dealing with the death of a parent.  Hindsight being 20/20 means if we'd known all that goes into it before it happened, we'd possibly have made better decisions.
• We 'had the knowledge' at the time we faced the circumstances in question, but there was something blocking us from truly seeing it situation completely and/or executing the choices/decisions we should have.  This is what I refer to as "the fog of war".  Here are a few examples of the 'fog of war':
• We know what we need to do, but our pride gets in the way.  We simply can't get or see past it.  For example, we might be struggling to find a job in our field, but we also need to pay the bills.  In this situation pride might cause us to not take a lesser job for a while, while looking for the job we 'should be able to get'.  After our pride has cleared, we will realize that we probably brought on more hardship than we needed to.
• We feel shame or guilt over something in our own life and let it get in the way of decision-making/choices.  In other words, shame and guilt cloud over our thought process.  For example, I think it is common for divorced parents to let the guilt or shame in their role in the unraveling of their marriage get in the way.  Also, guilt or shame over the damage of divorce to the children, can get in the way of their parenting.   If someone feels like they played a large role in the failure of their marriage, it might leave them feeling compromised, for example.  If they feel guilty about what a divorce is doing or has done to their child, then they may be lax in discipline or let things slide that they normally wouldn't.  When you feel bad about yourself, it can be harder to hold another accountable the way you should.  After the feelings have subsided, it will likely be much easier to see past the guilt or shame and just focus on exactly what needs to be done.  We might look back and said I tolerated too much disobedience and I wish I'd be more assertive.
• Someone close to us is dying or dies.  We are busy mourning their passing or imminent passing.  We can be overwhelmed with thoughts about the situation.  Our normally clear thinking can take second place to the intense hurt or passion of the situation.  As a practical matter we are focused on the (impending) loss and we just don't have enough emotional space to allow our clearer thoughts to take root.  After the situation has calmed down or we've had time to grieve, things can be much clearer.

The long and short of it is this.  When the passions, emotions, guilt/shame or other demons are present, we may know on some level what choices to make, but we may get distracted from making the best choice based on those obstacles to our 'sight' or not having the strength to move past them at the time.  We may unintentionally rationalize our decisions/choices due to our lacking strength or courage.  That is to say, if we are not up to making the best decision, we may just make the decisions that we are able to and find a way to rationalize it as the 'best decision'.  This isn't meant as a criticism, but an unfortunate reflection of the reality at the time.

I guess this all points to the following plan of action:

1. Doing the best we can do with the information we have at the time.
2. Considering that unseen and underestimated obstacles might be in the way of our making the best decision or choice.
3. Praying for wisdom and insight into making the right choice. Praying that we can see past any obstacles.

I believe if we work those three basic steps we can cut down on hindsight or regretful thinking no matter how things turn out.

Hope delayed is hoped denied

One of the pillars of our legal system is the right to a fair and speedy trial.  That idea or concept is so important to the health of our Republic that it is enshrined in law as the Sixth Amendment to the Constitution.

Sixth Amendment Text

Amendment VI

"In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense."

Anyway, one of the basis for this concept is that "justice delayed is justice denied".  That is to say, if you have to spend too long in jail awaiting trail or with the threat of no future hanging over your head, effectively you are being punished already whether you are guilty or not of the charges against you.

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"Hope delayed is hoped denied" is in essence an expansion on the concept of "justice delayed is justice denied".  While justice delayed obviously applies strictly to constitutional law, "hope delayed" can apply to many aspects of your life.

• In our professional lives, if we work our tail off, but continually get passed over, we lose hope. If our reason for hope--the promise of promotions if we give our 100% to our organization--is continually put off or delayed, we eventually will lose the hope.  In essence, our hope will be lost or denied..
• In our spiritual life, sometimes we realize the life we have led, the things that we put our faith in are all wrong.  So, we adopt a new faith.  If we go into our new faith thinking that our higher power (God) will remove all obstacles and/or that we will never face troubled times, we are setting ourselves up for a rude awakening.  If our hope is that following God's will lead us to easy times, yet we continue to face hard times, our hope will eventually disappear,  In a sense, we will have denied hope by our misunderstanding of the reason for the hope we have.
• In our relational lives, we can get unwittingly stuck in ruts.  We can talk about better communication, being better attuned to each others  needs or feelings and so on.  However, if we continue to see little or no movement towards a more healthy relationship, our hope will lessen or get delayed.  We may push our hope back and say, let's give it more time.  But, as more time passes and progress continues to be slow or nonexistent, our hope dissipates.  Eventually, this leads to a sense that things will never change.  That is to say, our hope is denied.

Our continued contentedness, productivity and sometimes existence require hope.  With hope, we can function in our daily lives.  Without it, we will struggle to do so.  I guess the takeaways from this blog are these:

• We need to anchor our hope in things that aren't passing.  This is the spiritual aspect of hope.
• In dealing with others, whether in a professional or personal environment, we need to be aware of the role hope plays in their life.  In other words, we need to have a sense of what brings hopefulness to them and what drains hopefulness from that.  That doesn't mean we bear responsibility for their overall sense of hope, but it also doesn't mean we play no role no role in their sense of hope either.

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1 Peter 3:15

But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect...

Sometimes black and white (either/or) thinking is good. Avoiding it can be itself black and white thinking.

I was having a discussion with a friend one time.  We were discussing an aspect of people with addictive personalities.  Really, it can apply to young kids, people with developmental disabilities and people with compulsive behavior or thinkingas well.

What exactly am I talking about?  

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Splitting (also called black and white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking) is the failure in a person's thinking to bring together both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism used by many people.^[1] The individual tends to think in extremes (i.e., an individual's actions and motivations are all good or all bad with no middle ground).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting_(psychology)

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When we are little kids, largely out of necessity we are taught to think in black and white.  Some of it due to a lack of ability to comprehend the shades of gray, some of it due to our inability to stay focused enough to listen to a shades of gray messages and some of it for our own protection.

• Don't touch the oven/stove--you'll get burnt.
• Fighting is wrong.
• Guns are dangerous.

As we grow older we learn that the world is not that simple. 

• You can touch the oven/stove provided you use a potholder or oven gloves
• Fighting is usually wrong, unless it is to defend yourself. 
• Guns are acceptable for hunting and for protection, but they need to be in the hands of a responsible adult or older kid being taught gun safety.

As a matter of fact, we are often discouraged from thinking in black and white.  Often times if we don't think/express thoughts in shades of gray, we are labeled as 'narrow-minded'.   Essentially we are talking about moral relativism.

In the discussion with my friend it occurred to me that always thinking in shades of gray is actually a form of black and white thinking.   That is to say, if you are unwilling to ever consider that sometimes life has definitive right/wrong, yes/no, all/nothing conditions, in a way you are thinking in black and white or the extreme.  In other words, thinking there are no absolutes is a form of absolute thinking.  

If you truly want to think or live your life in shades of gray, you have to include all possibilities on the spectrum.  After all, the gray color spectrum includes white on one end and black on the other.  

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The takeaway is this: some aspects about life and humanity do change with the times (shades of gray) such as theories on parenting,  while others are timeless and definitive such as murder is wrong.   In short, it is black and white or narrow-minded to think everything is up in the air.

Just my thoughts for the day...

The Walking Wounded - A look inside.

With the holidays creeping up on us and decisions needing to be made not too long from as to where celebrations will be held, ect., the loss of family and the lack of closeness of remaining family has started hitting me.
(originally published 10/6/15)

An interim minister of ours--Van Williams--touched upon this subject a few weeks back.   He reminded our parishioners  about those of us who have faced losses in the past year of loved ones.  To not forget them, to keep them in your thoughts and prayers as well as in your circle.

After losing a friend and both parents since May 2014 and losing my brother just over four years ago, sometimes my head spins.  People talk about getting together with family and a certain emptiness hits.   A certain sense of 'what family?" hits me.  i.e., a sense of pointlessness about the holidays.

I've been on both sides of the equation.  I've had people around me lose their parents, some a sibling, some a friend and some a spouse.  My extended family wasn't close due to parental conflict/in-law resentment and the like.  So, I used to be able to 'brag' about never having felt a close loss.  I empathized for friends who'd lost parents, etc., but I never really got it.  I understood the general idea of loss, but emotionally, I didn't connect with it.

There are a few observations I've seen in others and I've introspected on about the close losses.  Some words from the distant past from a coach as well.

• If you've never had a similar loss to someone, it is best to not say "I understand".    It can feel a little hollow.  It is usually meant well, but it can almost ring dimissive of the level of hurt.   My high school track coach gave some insightful words on it.  He said it was best not to say "I understand" when you couldn't possibly.  Instead he suggested, "I couldn't possibly understand what you are going through, but seeing your hurt makes me hurt for you."  In other words, empathy.  You are acknowledging your limitations and not inadvertently being dismissive.  But, at the same time, you are saying, I hurt for you.  Saying something like that means more than a cliche.


• In our society, it seems like we spend a minute or two mourning the losses before we are required to "go back to work", "move on", "get back to it".  If the loss is sudden, it almost feels surreal.  It's like you've had your time to mourn, now we need you to get back to it.   I suppose in a way, it has to be that way, but in a way the needs of life/society almost feel like a cold slap in the face when you are saying, "wait, wait, I'm not finished weeping inside".


• Dealing with death can be a touchy subject for those around the one who has had the loss.  They often don't know what to say.  There is often a discomfort for them.   They are usually nowhere near the place you are.  Their life's concerns/interests are about a million miles away from yours.  It may feel like for them that they are dealing with a baby monkey, whereas you are dealing with an 800lb gorilla.  When they don't seem to want to deal, try to be kind to them as a lot of times, they just don't know what to do or say.   While you are clearly dealing with the bigger loss, they are dealing with a loss of sorts--a loss of a lighter relationship with you.


• To those who don't know how to deal with a loved one who has had a close loss a few pieces of advice.
• Check in from time to time with the love one.  Just ask how they are doing.  Sometimes, the one in mourning won't need to lay down their heavy heart on you.  Sometimes they just need to know that someone cares.  
• Don't feel guilty that you aren't comfortable dealing with the one with the heavy heart.  Sometimes, you just aren't there yet or have never been there.  A few moments of discomfort dealing with the heavy-hearted person may make all the difference in the world.  Just try to think past what discomfort you might have and think what is the Godly thing to do.  Maturity isn't always liking, but doing anyway.  In other words, if you do the comforting out of obedience, there's nothing necessarily wrong with that.  Also, it can give you a sense that of wellness doing the right thing.
• Please don't just say, call me if you need anything or I am there for you.  It would be best to offer help up front if possible and/or to just make a point to check in. Often times the grieving person doesn't want to reach out.
• The grieving person's sense of self might be off.  They don't want to feel like a burden on those around them--even when it completely understandable that they should be able to lean on others.
• Sometimes, they have not processed their grief and/or are still in shock.  Sometimes, they don't feel like opening the door to their heart.  A natural extension of this is not wanting to reach out to others.  Reaching out to others may feel like to them exposing their hurt.   Their heart may be heavy and they may just feel like shutting down.   Knowing how difficult it can be for those who are not gifted/experienced at dealing with people with a heavy heart, it may seem to you that well the grieving person doesn't want anyone around or anyone to reach out.  But, sometimes that is just the time.  
• When someone is sick as a dog and could use someone to watch the kids, a bowl of soup, or just someone to give them their meds and something to drink, we don't think twice about it, even when they ask us not to worry.
• Depression related to grieving can be just as heavy.  They may not feel like doing anything or asking for help, but that doesn't mean they couldn't use a kind word, an offer of help, an ear to listen or just a break from the grind.

Life is a learning experience and until you've been in another's shoes, it is often difficult to know the road they are/have traveled.  Reasonable people shouldn't expect you to 'get it' when dealing with circumstances you haven't faced.  However, they might reasonably expect you to try.  I guess the best piece of advice is to think a little bit about how you'd like others to relate to you in that time and give of yourself that way.   Sometimes being a 'friend' to your loved one just means trying.

Thanks for reading my blog.

-- Rich