Finding Jewels in the Darkness, part 2 (sensitive and not seeing only clouds on a mostly sunny day)

Once again, I heard a song that for some reason has stuck with me for the past few years and I remember the first time it really started to like it.  Before, I go there, I must confess something that anyone who really knows me knows (even when I sometimes try to hide it).  At time I have a profoundly deep sensitive side.  It's not sensitive as in "weak", but sensitive as in I feel a range of emotions and I often can 'feel' the human experience very profoundly in myself and others.  Raised by a dad who didn't show emotions and who was deeply uncomfortable with 'feelings' being expressed, I learned to hide this side of me or at least not own up to it.  I've come to realize that as it says in the Bible,

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
...
 A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance (Ecclesiastes 3:4) 


In other words, God understands and appreciates a sensitive side to his creation. Of course, society has always pretty well accepted that women can have a sensitive side, but it has only been in more recent decades that we've accepted the same in a man (at least openly recognizing it anyway).  Anyway, I've come to see it not as a curse, but as a blessing.  It has allowed me to be better able to feel and relate, understand, empathize and what I refer to as "sensing a disturbance in The Force").   However, while having a sensitive side is good and letting on to at times is good, like most everything in life there are limits.  For example, while we want our President to connect with us by showing anguish in a time of national hurt such as 9/11, we don't want our President to be a complete blubbering pile of goo at such times.  In my own life, I have revealed deep hurt (and tears of joy) a few times to my own daughter, but I know I can't afford the luxury of her seeing me upset on a regular basis, even if at times I might feel that way.  She needs to see in her dad that it is safe to have feelings, even vulnerable I'm feeling upset type feelings.  However, she needs to know that her I am strong enough to protect and guide her as well.  So, like I figure, a balance.

Anyway, the Song was "Grease" performed by Frankie Valli.  I'm sure I'd heard it many times and you know probably thought it was from a musical, meaning geared towards the other gender.   I'm supposing I was okay with it though.  In any case, this night that I had heard it, it was a fairly early stage in my divorce and I was VERY underemployed with other trials going on at that time.  I was very down.  It was about 2-3am in the morning and I was getting off of work.  I dunno, but when I heard it, for whatever reason, I connected with the song in a profound way.  For some reason, I finally focused on it enough to know that it is a coming of age song.  The messages I got from it were: that you can make it if you believe in who you are, that life as we know it is in many ways just an illusion and that our purpose is not always immediately clear.  Anyway, I will never forget that song, that early morning as long as I live and perhaps in some ways that was a turning point towards being in a better place.

I don't know if I'm an empath, but I know I have some of the tendencies for better or worse (as did my brother Bill).  But, how I tie this together is that this was a step along the road in realizing and accepting who I was--a sensitive person and possible empath.

As the title implied there are two parts to this blog entry.  The second part is the "seeing only clouds on a sunny day".   It's funny, we are taught to see the "silver lining" in the clouds.  In other words, the positives even in the darkest of times.  However, I believe as humans we have this tendency to gripe and moan about things in our life and overlook the fact that perhaps we may not have it so bad after all.

As I've mentioned in a previous blog, I came to realize that failure is a default position.  It is easy to fail.  You don't have to do anything to fail.  In some cases, it is precisely by doing nothing that we fail.  In other words, failure is the easy path.  Similarly, I think it is human nature to focus on the negatives.  As a fallen creation, in this life we face trials and struggles which can seem overwhelming.   In this context it is easy to focus on the struggles or imperfections.  However, if we peel below the surface we may just see things aren't that bad.  We in pretty decent health, we have a roof over our head, we have reliable transportation and we have a steady paycheck which allow our basic needs to be met.  Additionally, we may have a loving partner who cares about us and loves us though not necessarily always likes us.  Focusing on the struggles in this context is like seeing only clouds on a mostly sunny day.

It is at this times, we need to write or recite our daily gratitude list.

---

The takeaway from this blog for me is twofold.  The Jewels to be found in the darkness are:

• Yourself and your good points about you.
• That if you peel away the below the surface or see beyond the clouds, you may just find that your life is not a mostly cloudy day, but instead a mostly sunny day with an occasional cloud.

GOD, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change, 

Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace. 

Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is, 
not as I would have it. 

Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will; 

That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next. 

Amen

- Karl Paul Reinhold Niebuhr

SEE: Finding Jewels in the Darkness

The insane voice, installment 4: Random bag of goodies...

I don't know if 'zany' or 'eccentric' thinking is a product of venting stress, of expressing existing insanity, shaking things up a little or expressing comic relief.  Either way, I think everyone has what I call an 'insane' voice.  Some just deny it, some suppress it, some let it out for a bit and then there are some that just live it-- the Robin Williams of the world, RIP.

In other case, it's time for another installment of "The insane voice".  In no particular order.

• So, I was at QT the other day near my work and they got slammed around lunchtime.  I think their customers must have been making a little noise chatting it out in line because as I was checking out, a thought occurred to me.  Should I say to the clerk aloud where others could here it:  Did the local mental hospital just let out their patients out on a field trip?  But, I thought it wouldn't go over well and the good people of Alton might not see the humor.  

• So, my daughter and I were driving along and we saw a person running.  I had this crazy idea.  What if Olivia and I turned the corner as quickly as we could stopped the car, got out and ran as fast as we could to catch up to her and I had Olivia say, "See I told you Dad, I knew we could catch up".  I'd have Olivia do the dirty work for better comic relief.  Meanwhile the runner would be like what the ..

• You can take a horse to water, but you may drown it..
• You can take a horse to water
• And with enough manpower you can try to force him to drink
• But, there's a very good chance you will drown it in in the process
• And you will end up in jail for cruelty to animals.
• Moral of the story: You may be able to pressure family or a friend to do something that they aren't ready for.  But, there's a good chances are it won't end up well for you or them.

• Every notice that often times people as they pass through middle age, they start talking about dying and death a bit irrelevantly.  While death has a sense of humor--see the Darwin awards--death isn't phased by our mocking it.

• I always advise friends when dealing with relationship problems or if they feel like they are always being singled out to just admit up front: I know I'm a bad person.  This will undermine your significant other's ability to blame or shame you.   If you are 'sincere' enough, your significant other may even actually stick up for you and tell you your good points.  

•  As a parent who likes to prepare his child for handling emergency situations (and is aware that she hears enough of it at her mom's place, at school and sometimes at my place), it occurred to me some great advice to give her.  Somehow the topic came up of a fire somewhere.  So, with my keen insight, I asked he what would she do if her clothes caught on fire.   She said, "Stop, drop and roll".  I said, "Good".  I then asked her what we should do if we had a tire blow out on the road.  She wasn't sure what to say, so I told her: "Stop, drop and roll".  She looked at me like lost my mind.  After mentioning a few other scenarios, she caught on to my brilliant advice and each time said, "Stop, drop and roll".  I am so proud of my daughter <3 

• As we all know, this election season has literally gone on forever and at times we all wonder, "wow out of over 300,000,000, this is the best we can do"?   Anyway, I thought, this hasn't exactly been the most honest campaign.   Then I had an epiphany.   Since, there is some question on the definition of "natural born citizen" and what not anyway,,why not just say forget it and let Julian Assange of WikiLeaks run for POTUS.  Since it seems like everyone and their brother and sister has declared at one time or another this campaign, since this campaign has been plagued by hostility by all parties and since we all question the honesty of the candidates, Assange would be great.  He'd make a perfect honesty and integrity candidate and we'd know we'd get the true story leaked out.  So, why not.

•  On November 9th, I'm considering declaring my candidacy for the 2020 Presidential election, no matter who wins.  My theme: R.A. Shepard/2020 for President: For my amusement.  I figure when asked, candidates usually give some bogus, "Give back to the country", "Serve the nation", "Help others" or some other such answer.  We all know the real answer is: Because I love the power and perks of the office.  I'd just be cutting to the chase.  I will be running for the Presidency such that if elected I will run the office and use my authority to test whatever theory I want to out.  My plank will include:
• Tenured professors at schools which receive government aid WILL BE REQUIRED to teach one whole semester wearing a jester hat.  Then at the end of the semester they will compare and contrast how well that semester went for their students vs. semesters that they did not have to.  
• I will find some characteristic to discriminate on that isn't subject to anti-discriminatory laws and discriminate accordingly.   For example, I could have a test group of men with goatees and women with curly hair.  I could effectively push that those two groups get better treatment at tax time than all others.  I would then see how those that do not fall in those groups react.  Things I could survey for include:
• How many not in the favored group would just take the abuse--I figure there are the self-loather subset. 
• The percentage of the population that purposely grows goatees or curls their hair just to get the beneficial treatment.  
•  I could then stretch out the absurd favoritism to see how much further I could manipulate the populace to more and more absurd ends to gain advantage.
• How many times, a Congress critter talks about reaching across the aisle and/or refers to their fellow Congress critters as "my friend on the other side of the aisle".  Each time they are caught saying such cliched statements insincerely, they'd have power to their microphone be cut and they'd be sent to time out.  I'd be curious how long it would take for them to stop using insincere cliched statements.
• Confer that future primaries for the parties submit to an American Gladiator type competition to see which of each of the parties was most "fit" to serve.
• Require that all those who want to serve in my administration be required to sing one of the following songs when testifying before Congress to get my nomination (This would buy the country great comic relief and would show me who really, really wants to serve at 'all cost')
• Adia - Sarah McLachlan
• Rich Girl - Gwen Stefani ft. Eve
• I'd the spirit of transparency.  I'd let the public know that I'd release the results of my survey findings in January 2024.  This would give the public plenty of time to decide if they want for more year of my "unique" Presidency or they wanted the usual boring political theater.

As time marches on and as we are becoming a more "blunt" and "outspoken" and "reality TV" and more bread and circus in our campaigns.  I figure the the country will be ripe for a truly "Reality Presidency".  

To my faithful audience thanks for your care and attention in reading my "insane thoughts".  Until next time.

Insane voice, installment 1

Insane voice, installment 2

Insane voice, installment 3

Insane voice, installment 4

Insane voice, installment 5

Insane voice, installment 6

Insane voice, installment 7

Insane voice, installment 8

What's love got to do with it?

I was at a concert the other day and noted how me and my friend Jennie each had someone with us that cared for and cared about us.  Anyone who knows my history knows that relationship have been something I've had to work at, but I digress.  But I can say that I have been loved along the way and that for some reason my wife Kristi seems to have warm fuzzy feelings towards me, even when I don't feel lovable.

I was thinking about my late brother and how he had never gotten married and never was even close to it.  I know one of things that always got to him was that he never truly felt loved.  He was loved more than he realized, but I digress. Thinking about that actually made me pretty sad, BUT it also made me realize something.   Finding someone who truly loves you is a blessing.

Anyway, in pondering the above, I also thought about what love is and what it isn't. What is is meant to be and what it isn't meant to be.

The bible speaks on love and marriage extensively, sometimes seemingly for and against it.  See below:

• The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."  Genesis 2:18
• I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.  1 Corinthians 7:6-9

But, my understanding of love is this:

• Love is not meant to validate us.  Our validation comes from our relationship to our higher power.   Love is a gift of our higher power to help us not feel alone, isolated and unappreciated. 
• The love of another isn't meant to make us complete us, it is meant to complement us
• Love shouldn't be to 'fix' or 'solve our problems', but instead free us from feeling alone and unappreciated such that we can with focus on dealing with the things we need to.  I think that's at least part of what the apostle Paul was saying in 1st Corinthians above. 

In short, love and marriage are meant to enrich us, not to replace what is missing in us.  Love is meant to be beneficial to both parties and not to feed into each other's dysfunctionality.

I guess my takeaway is rely on the your higher power (God) for your validation, but appreciate the value of love which He has provided for us.

The truth about cats and dogs

I tend to be too serious at times.  So, for me writing a lighthearted, sarcastic or flaky blog entry is my way of breaking the tension a bit.

I don't know how it occurred, to me.  Where does one every get odd ideas out of nowhere?  One of the great mysteries of life.  Anyway, here is my take on cats and dog.  Enjoy.

• If you want a furry friend who is a "yes man", get a dog.  If you want a furry friend who tells you the unvarnished truth, get a cat.   
• For example, a cat will tell you that you are an idiot, but that it likes you anyway.  A dog will tell you how great you are and tell you how much it LOVES and won't judge you.
• Do you want validation or the truth?
• Dogs don't care if we know they are codependent.  Cats on the other hand, like to portray themselves as independent.  But, at night where do they end up?  With their favorite person.
• A dog will go down with the ship.  A cat will wish you well as it abandons you.
• A dog will harass you if you are sleeping and it is hungry.  A cat on the hand will beat the crap out of you until you feed it.  In other words, if you need a backup alarm, don't feed your cat.
• A cat will calculate on a daily basis if it needs you.  A dog on the other hand won't bother questioning that idea.
• A dog will do it's potty business outside and will forget about it immediately after it is finished.  A cat will do it's best to "hide the evidence" after it is finished.
• A dog will be content to lay out your feet.  A cat on the other hand likes to go to the highest ground just to prove it is the alpha.
• A dog when it hurts itself will say nothing or yelp.  A cat on the other hand will pretend it isn't hurt and say, "I meant to do that" out of self-respect.  For example, a cat, when it has an epic fail jumping, will act like nothing happened or that it meant to do that.
• Dog spelled backward is god, but don't act like gods to us.  Cats on the other hand remind us that in ancient Egypt they used to be worshiped as gods.
• A dog when it wants food, it begs you and follows you around.  A cat on the other hand will direct you to its bowl and demand you fill it, sometimes yelling at you along the way.

If you seek to know about how cats think read this book:  I am Pusheen the Cat.

Demons Part 3: 'Bloodletting' pain as a way of mourning

According to Wikipedia (for what it's worth), bloodletting is:

The withdrawal of blood from a patient to cure or prevent illness and disease. Bloodletting was based on an ancient system of medicine in which blood and other bodily fluids were regarded as "humors" that had to remain in proper balance to maintain health.

This practice was done from ancient times until near the end of the 19th century, but has all been abandoned.  Medically, it has been pretty well discredited.  However, I found the concept a useful way to describe a healthy way of mourning.

I don't always tell what inspires my blog posts.  But, this one I will share.  Anyone who knows me knows that my daughter, Olivia, is being raised in a broken home.  That is to say, her mom and I got split up when she was 4.  Obviously, this impacts Olivia and has hurt her.  But, as the parent who doesn't have primary custody of her, I see much less often.  I calculate about 30% of the time*.  Sometimes, I don't see her for about a week at a time, occasionally it is longer.  I always feel a sense of loss during these stretches.  While I am grateful that she has good health and I do get to see her--there are some who aren't that lucky, it still hurts.  The pain of the long stretches will always be there as I feel myself missing large blocks of her childhood, but I am better able to deal with the technique(s) I describe below:

--

In the Bible, God tells us:

1There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens  (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Furthermore, He lets us know there is a:
4a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance  (Ecclesiastes 3:4)

However, we don't always take that advice to heart. I used to be guilty of letting the hurt build up.  Sometimes I found constructive way to divert the energy: running, listening to music, etc.  Other times, I  utilized unproductive or destructive ways to divert the energy: impulsive spending, wasting all day watching TV or playing video games, moments of promiscuity, etc.  See:  Zig Zagging through life: Diverting our energy from where it is really needed.

Anyway, it wasn't until I got older that I really realized these: two things about dealing with hurt:

• The power of prayer and faith. 
• What I call bloodletting: Focusing into the hurt rather than avoiding it.  

God helps those who help themselves.  Our faith can help us through the toughest times and God can literally move mountains if we ask him to, I believe that God helps those who help themselves.  That is to say, He rarely removes all our pain,but instead gives us the tools and wisdom to deal with it effectively, thereby lessening it.

--

Back to my story.  In 2011 when I literally lost almost everything, including my brother to suicide and my daughter for a while to a contentious divorce, I had to find a healthy way to cope.   After trying to avoid it or coping in unproductive or destructive ways, I came to realize that I'd been dealing with hurt the wrong way for most of my life.   When I started seeing my daughter again and had to give her up to her mom--dropping her at daycare or school or directly to her mom--it really totally hit home.  The times I had to give her up for literally almost a week, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I would smile, hug her, kiss her, love her and put on the happy face, but as soon as I rushed back to my car, I would be devastated.  I came to understand the power of going into the pain or hurt, rather than trying to avoid it.  As I was driving off, I would literally flip my CD player or electronic device to sad music.  Sometimes, the more sad it was, the better.  In the privacy of my car on the way home or to work or wherever, I would literally find my inner pain, and like poison let it drain out--hence bloodletting.   I found writing to be a good tool in that regard too.  I had really started to find my inner voice after all those years.   While I know I am not a genius, I believe God blessed me with the gift of perception.  Once again, just like when I turned up the car stereo or ipod or whatever and forced myself to face the pain through sad music, I would write on what was bothering me, even to the point of having it hurt more.   Once again, I was 'bloodletting' or giving the poison of increasing hurt an outlet to flow out.

As an aside, as a child, I faced some real adversity.  Much of it I am not going to catalog here as I am sure I've cataloged it elsewhere and the adversity itself is not the main focus.  Anyway, I used to think of the adversity and the pain it caused as a curse, but now I see it as lemonade from a lemon.  Having faced certain things (and later in the 2010s even more adversity), I realized that had I had an easy carefree childhood and life, I would NEVER have been able to understand, relate or offer sincere encouragement to others who faced similar adversity.

I guess my takeaway from this is twofold:

• Remember to lean on God when facing adversity rather than pushing Him away.
• Looking into, stepping into, walking through the pain of adversity, while not very enjoyable, can be one of the best ways to release the hurt it is causing.

I labeled this one Demons, part 3 as I think it fits in with my other posts on "Demons".

• Demons, Part 2: Melancholy
• Demons

Anyway, just my thoughts.  Thanks for reading and I hope my words, will impact at least one person.

-- Rich

* It's closer to 50% these days (2020)

How codependence dies: what it looks like, how to lose it.

Sometimes it feels like we go through life sleepwalking.  The years go by quickly and we wonder what happened to the years?   It seems like it is just a blur or illusion.   I believe some of that is just the normal, "life is just but a blink of the eye" that the bible speaks of, but I also believe that much of it comes from the sense that you haven't really lived for yourself.  By live for yourself, I don't mean selfishly, but rather taking care of yourself and consider what you need for yourself rather than what you need to be for others.

My own life has been one of self-discovery which really didn't kick in until my forties.  I have had a number of friends who feel the same way.   We have been so busy often doing what we think we needed to do to nurture and/or save our relationships, at the expense of our own sanity.  Sadly, we often mistake trying to 'please' or 'keep another happy' or 'keep them from being upset with us' for nurturing/saving our relationships.  This sort of behavior may allow a relationship to survive a long time, but not necessarily be healthy.  The irony is that often times the more work you do to avoid confrontation, the less chance the relationship will survive.  I think for most people, if they aren't allowed to be who they need to be or they try to be something they aren't, they will eventually reach a crisis point in their life.

For myself, learning, understanding and remembering a few things has helped me pull away from the codependent construct:

• If a person seems to be consistently giving you (usually) unwanted advice, finding fault, making you feel like you have to justify your actions/choices, chances are they need you more than you need them.  Chances are they are operating out of fear.  Chances are the relationship is based on a bad personal connection.  But, why do we stay in a bad relationship or at the very least subjugate our own self and needs and never 'require' or 'demand' that our own needs be considered.  I suspect there are a combination of reasons, some of which I will indicate below.  
• Loyalty - Family loyalty, loyalty to one who has helped you-and makes sure to remind you of it, etc.
• Fear of being alone - What's the difference if you are with someone and feel disconnected most of the time?  What's the difference if you don't feel you can connect with the family member or friend?
• Fear of the unknown - Sometimes, the devil you know seems to be more comfortable than the devil you don't know.  Like an old comfortable shoe as a friend said 
• Fear of rejection - If a person struggles to 'find acceptance', when they do appear to find it, it's hard to let go or risk having to let go of someone who 'accepts' (or appears to).  The irony of this is if you have to be someone you are not to 'keep' a relationship, then you are really not accepted after all.
• Shame or not deserving better - I believe this goes along with all the other reasons.  If we feel like on some level that we are undeserving of better we will not tend to push for it. However, at the same time, I believe there can be a tension in which we want better in our lives. We want better, but don't feel like we deserve better, but that doesn't change that we want better, etc.

• The other party in a codependent relationship often controls out of fear.  It is a feeling that if they don't have a firm grip on all aspects of aspects of the relationship, things won't get done, they won't get done well or the work that has done will be wasted.   Some examples of a controlling person:
• Someone who demands things be done in a strict order or on a strict timeline.   Disruption could cause things not to get done or things to get done inefficiently, etc.  I'm not talking about dealing with an organized person or an efficient person, but a person who is so wed to schedule or routine that they crush anything or anyone that gets in the way of that schedule or routines.
• Someone who demands things be done a certain way.  They have always done things a certain way, they are used to doing things a certain way and they don't trust the outcome of doing things a certain way.  In a way, a controlling person has their comfort zone and is unwilling to go outside of it.  When the other party attempts to introduce a different way, they find it a threat.  Perceived threats are not suffered well.  It isn't that there aren't other ways to achieve a goal--taking a different route to a destination for example.  It seems that  the controlling person for whatever reason is not able get past their block, whether is based out of fear, avoiding discomfort or something else.
• Codependence is often a symptom of a relationship with a bad connection
• When the connection is bad, instead of trusting that the other party will accept you for whom you are, I believe a codependent person will "do whatever it takes" to avoid losing the relationship.  In other words, an unhealthy status quo seems safer than risking a change.  What is really happening in this case is an avoidance of change and a possible 'day of reckoning'.  The irony is that the 'day of reckoning' doesn't necessarily have to be the end of a relationship, but instead the beginning of a healthier, more honest relationship.  In other words, a relationship with a good or better connection.
• Like a phone that struggles to get or keep a charge, a relationship with a bad connection seems to work sometimes, but doesn't necessarily work for too long.  Eventually, the phone with a bad connection will fail to work unless the connection is repaired.  Similarly, a codependent relationship with a bad connection is likely to work less and less well until at some point, it effectively 'stops working'.

I would make the disclaimer before I continue that there is and should be a degree of depending on each other in a relationship, but it should be out love and cooperation, not out of fear and the need to control.  Some fighting, disagreement, give and take or normal, but really it is the mindset behind how the relationship is operating that determines if it is healthy or codependent. 

I guess ultimately, after seeing problems in my own life and the lives of those around, I've come to realize a few things related to squeezing codependence out of relationships.

• The other party in a relationship has got to know that you are not a threat to them.  They have to understand it and they have to accept it.  They have to understand that while it is not all about them, that you have their best interests in mind.
• The other party has to know that you will not always say or do precisely the right thing for every given circumstance in the relationship, but that your intentions are good towards them.  In other words, you get frustrated, you get angry, you get upset, you may say something a bit out of line or you just might not say the comforting thing that they need to hear.  However, your intentions for the other party are good and they need to realize that.  They CANNOT expect perfection and if they do, they are putting you in an impossible position.   Let them know that you aren't perfect, but you are trying.  Sometimes, just hearing that helps tremendously.
• It isn't your job to 'fix' the other party, nor is it the other party's job to try to 'fix' you.   That however, does not exclude being supportive.   For example, if I am not happy, my spouse can listen to me, but she is not responsible for my happiness.  That doesn't mean she shouldn't do anything, but her role is to not to ensure that I am happy, but rather provide a healthy, supportive environment in which I can find what it is for me to achieve contentment.
• Not letting shame or failure unrelated to the relationship have an impact on the relationship.  If I struggle at work or have family of origin problems or just have made mistakes, I cannot let the shame of those situations compromise me in terms of the relationship.   I cannot let a failure at work for example spill over and cause me to feel like a failure in the relationship.
• Not letting mistakes within the relationship rule the future of the relationship.   We make mistakes, we say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing and sometimes do very destructive things for our relationship.  However, we have to separate our mistakes and failures from a willingness to be 'ruled' in our relationship.  For example, we can damage our relationship by focusing on drinking, gambling or others.
• We can atone for mistakes but we can't throw away ourselves in the process.
• If our spouse doesn't accept us for mistakes or failings, no amount of groveling or trying to atone will fix our relationship.  If anything, it will increase resentment and lower for you.
• Change has to be for us, first and foremost, not as a codependent need to 'change' for him or her.

Most of all, you cannot be ruled by fear.  You can be sensitive and thoughtful and what not, but you have to be yourself.  If you are used to being a people pleaser or having to be the peacemaker, or having to be the one to adjust, it can be VERY daunting standing up for your own needs.  Ultimately, if you let a fear of relationship failure rule you, chances are you will be helping to set up such failure.  If being yourself leads to rejection, then most of the time, the relationship wasn't right for you anyway and no amount of trying to be someone else would have saved it anyway.  But, if you allow yourself to be yourself in a relationship, you are being honest to yourself and your partner.  It may be a difficult adjustment in the relationship going from being a codependent people pleasure, but eventually you will find out if you are meant to stay in the relationship and/or you will find that your significant other will adjust your personal growth and actually respect you for it. 


  

Zig Zagging through life: Diverting our energy from where it is really needed.

On my wedding day, my best man and I were driving around I think headed back to my apartment, but that's not important.  Anyway, traffic in front of us stopped with little or no notice.  To avoid rear-ending the car ahead of me I zig-zagged a bit.

I didn't think of it immediately, but it occurred to me shortly thereafter that in way that's exactly what we do when we try to avoid "running into" the painful truth--even when we need to face the reality of our situation and/or work through our decisions/issues/problems.   Just like with the momentum or energy of my car, life's momentum often pushes or carries us directly into path of our problems.  As I didn't want my best man or I to face the impact of rear-ending the car in front of us, so do we not want to face the impact of problems.  So, we come up with diversions or ways of avoiding having to deal.  Sometimes, these diversions are destructive like Alcoholism and out of control gambling.  Other times, they are just unproductive like keeping glued to the TV.  But, the common thread is that we use the diversions to deal.  In others we are 'zig-zagging' or moving sideways to absorb the energy we would otherwise be focusing on our problems.

For example, in my first marriage, when we had disagreements or when something was bothering me and I felt like I couldn't discuss it with her, I would shut down, push it aside and find another outlet to avoid having to deal (and possibly avoid a fight).  Sometimes, it was a 'productive' outlet like cleaning the house, other times it wasn't necessarily a productive or healthy outlet.  The main point is that I was 'zig-zagging' or finding a diversion from the problem that lie head on.   Now, this wasn't a new way of dealing for me.  It really was an extension of my childhood and early adulthood in which I felt like I couldn't speak freely with my dad or effectively stand up for what was important to me.  But, I digress.  The point was that I didn't want to face the impact of dealing head-on with problems.

That all changed with the passing of my brother Bill.  I have a blog in progress that I'm not finished with about him called Don't you forget about me: The blog I needed to write one day.  Anyway, I realized with his passing the ultimate cost of avoiding dealing with issues.

What I've written above at some points might suggest that it is a bad thing to 'zig zag' or divert.  However, as I've learned over the years, life isn't necessarily always clear cut.  As Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 indicates, there is a time for everything.  This included dealing head on with issues vs. pushing aside the issues for a time.  Here are a couple circumstances which zig-zagging might not be a bad idea. 

• Sometimes, the issue/problem is too large to face directly.  For example, when mourning the death of a close relative, we can't get our grief out in one day.  We can sometimes only face what we need to in small stages: dealing, then turning away, then dealing, then turning away...
• Sometimes, the timing isn't right.  For example, if we are hosting out-of-town family for the holidays we don't want to air our dirty laundry and cause humiliation in front of our guests.

Anyway, just my thoughts for the night.  Hopefully, you get something useful from my musings.  God bless and good night.

-- Rich