Dealing with others: People will get along with you IF they want to.

I was talking with a friend a while back and one of his in-laws has been a divisive force in his family.  It seems as if she never really tried to accept him.  He found a similar dynamic in another situation near to him.   It made me think about something.  Sometimes, for no good reason people close to you decide not to accept you.  Often to the point of outright rejection or hostility, leaving you wondering what the hell happened.  Other times, those close, if they do 'accept' you, it's a grudging because we are related or friend of friend situation. In other words, within the tie-in, they'd reject you.

So, how can you tell if someone close is really rejecting you or grudgingly 'accepting' you?Here are what I see as symptoms of such a relationship:

• Do they ever ask about how you are doing or do they just go straight to how they are doing?  If they do ask you, do you feel it's a formality? 
• Sometimes I think people just aren't in a place to be a friend or family, whether it is out of selfishness or brokenness.
• They talk to you because they feel like 'they have to'.  Therefore, they talk about what they want and not what's important to moving the relationship forward.
• When evaluating whom to spend time with, do they treat you as a priority--not necessary 'the' priority--or a fallback option?
• Everyone has to live their own life and take what time they need for themselves.  Healthy relationships start with making sure to treating ourselves well.
• In unhealthy relationships, they always treat you like they'll spend time with you IF there a no 'better' options?
• You find out after rejecting spending time with you, they quietly spend time with others.
• You find out that they asked others first and when they were rejected by others, they reached out to you late in the game. In other words, when all other plans/possibilities fell through, they reached out to you.
• Do they ever attempt to or offer to meet you half way or do they 'expect' you to always shoulder the burden.
• This could mean time, money, location, effort, etc.
• This doesn't mean an expectation of shouldering the burden equally, but instead the sense that they are at least trying to be fair.
• Do you get the sense that if you didn't have the tie-in, you'd never hear from them?
• Tie-in could be relatives in common, friends in common, kids in common, an immediate neighbor or some other similar dynamic.
• They rarely talk to you outside of the 'group'.
• If they do talk to you, it is only because not doing so would be more awkward or obvious.

I used to get mad, upset or irritated with these type situations or people when I saw this dynamic in a 'relationship'.  I realize there are effectively two ways to deal with these situations: Taking it personally and treat it as about you or treating it as a limitation on their part and deal accordingly.  I have come to realize, it is usually best to treat it as a limitation on their part.  That is to say, they don't know how to be a friend or family to me.  In some ways, it didn't matter whether that was due to their selfishness or ignorance.  It still wasn't worth fretting over.  

Ultimately, my takeaway on how to deal with people who reject you or accept you grudgingly is this:

• Don't take it too personally. Often times, you just happen to be the person playing the role--brother-in-law, the other friend who is the object of jealousy, the 'competition' for your friend's spouse, etc.
• Don't repay slights.  It shouldn't be a race to the bottom, but a race to the top.
• Realized that not all people are capable of treating you as you should be treated.
• Expose yourself to them only as much as you are willing to safely.  Think of it as taking only the amount of money that you are willing to lose to the casino.  If you accept and put a limit on your loses, then if you actually 'lose' it won't be as big a deal as you've factored it in. 
• Where necessary, step away as quietly and gracefully as you can in order to protect yourself.  Stepping away doesn't have to be a drama, but it can in a way be a quiet, but definitive statement. 

What it all boils down to this: if someone wants to get along with you, they will and will overlook any flaws you have.  If someone doesn't want to get along with you, they will find a reason not to like you. You can take it personally, but it's usually not worth it.

As I am posting this around Inauguration Day 2017, I realize this applies to Presidents too.  If someone wants to like the POTUS, they will despite any/many flaws.  If they want to dislike the POTUS, they will in spite of good deeds or good policies the POTUS is has pushed.

How codependence dies: what it looks like, how to lose it.

Sometimes it feels like we go through life sleepwalking.  The years go by quickly and we wonder what happened to the years?   It seems like it is just a blur or illusion.   I believe some of that is just the normal, "life is just but a blink of the eye" that the bible speaks of, but I also believe that much of it comes from the sense that you haven't really lived for yourself.  By live for yourself, I don't mean selfishly, but rather taking care of yourself and consider what you need for yourself rather than what you need to be for others.

My own life has been one of self-discovery which really didn't kick in until my forties.  I have had a number of friends who feel the same way.   We have been so busy often doing what we think we needed to do to nurture and/or save our relationships, at the expense of our own sanity.  Sadly, we often mistake trying to 'please' or 'keep another happy' or 'keep them from being upset with us' for nurturing/saving our relationships.  This sort of behavior may allow a relationship to survive a long time, but not necessarily be healthy.  The irony is that often times the more work you do to avoid confrontation, the less chance the relationship will survive.  I think for most people, if they aren't allowed to be who they need to be or they try to be something they aren't, they will eventually reach a crisis point in their life.

For myself, learning, understanding and remembering a few things has helped me pull away from the codependent construct:

• If a person seems to be consistently giving you (usually) unwanted advice, finding fault, making you feel like you have to justify your actions/choices, chances are they need you more than you need them.  Chances are they are operating out of fear.  Chances are the relationship is based on a bad personal connection.  But, why do we stay in a bad relationship or at the very least subjugate our own self and needs and never 'require' or 'demand' that our own needs be considered.  I suspect there are a combination of reasons, some of which I will indicate below.  
• Loyalty - Family loyalty, loyalty to one who has helped you-and makes sure to remind you of it, etc.
• Fear of being alone - What's the difference if you are with someone and feel disconnected most of the time?  What's the difference if you don't feel you can connect with the family member or friend?
• Fear of the unknown - Sometimes, the devil you know seems to be more comfortable than the devil you don't know.  Like an old comfortable shoe as a friend said 
• Fear of rejection - If a person struggles to 'find acceptance', when they do appear to find it, it's hard to let go or risk having to let go of someone who 'accepts' (or appears to).  The irony of this is if you have to be someone you are not to 'keep' a relationship, then you are really not accepted after all.
• Shame or not deserving better - I believe this goes along with all the other reasons.  If we feel like on some level that we are undeserving of better we will not tend to push for it. However, at the same time, I believe there can be a tension in which we want better in our lives. We want better, but don't feel like we deserve better, but that doesn't change that we want better, etc.

• The other party in a codependent relationship often controls out of fear.  It is a feeling that if they don't have a firm grip on all aspects of aspects of the relationship, things won't get done, they won't get done well or the work that has done will be wasted.   Some examples of a controlling person:
• Someone who demands things be done in a strict order or on a strict timeline.   Disruption could cause things not to get done or things to get done inefficiently, etc.  I'm not talking about dealing with an organized person or an efficient person, but a person who is so wed to schedule or routine that they crush anything or anyone that gets in the way of that schedule or routines.
• Someone who demands things be done a certain way.  They have always done things a certain way, they are used to doing things a certain way and they don't trust the outcome of doing things a certain way.  In a way, a controlling person has their comfort zone and is unwilling to go outside of it.  When the other party attempts to introduce a different way, they find it a threat.  Perceived threats are not suffered well.  It isn't that there aren't other ways to achieve a goal--taking a different route to a destination for example.  It seems that  the controlling person for whatever reason is not able get past their block, whether is based out of fear, avoiding discomfort or something else.
• Codependence is often a symptom of a relationship with a bad connection
• When the connection is bad, instead of trusting that the other party will accept you for whom you are, I believe a codependent person will "do whatever it takes" to avoid losing the relationship.  In other words, an unhealthy status quo seems safer than risking a change.  What is really happening in this case is an avoidance of change and a possible 'day of reckoning'.  The irony is that the 'day of reckoning' doesn't necessarily have to be the end of a relationship, but instead the beginning of a healthier, more honest relationship.  In other words, a relationship with a good or better connection.
• Like a phone that struggles to get or keep a charge, a relationship with a bad connection seems to work sometimes, but doesn't necessarily work for too long.  Eventually, the phone with a bad connection will fail to work unless the connection is repaired.  Similarly, a codependent relationship with a bad connection is likely to work less and less well until at some point, it effectively 'stops working'.

I would make the disclaimer before I continue that there is and should be a degree of depending on each other in a relationship, but it should be out love and cooperation, not out of fear and the need to control.  Some fighting, disagreement, give and take or normal, but really it is the mindset behind how the relationship is operating that determines if it is healthy or codependent. 

I guess ultimately, after seeing problems in my own life and the lives of those around, I've come to realize a few things related to squeezing codependence out of relationships.

• The other party in a relationship has got to know that you are not a threat to them.  They have to understand it and they have to accept it.  They have to understand that while it is not all about them, that you have their best interests in mind.
• The other party has to know that you will not always say or do precisely the right thing for every given circumstance in the relationship, but that your intentions are good towards them.  In other words, you get frustrated, you get angry, you get upset, you may say something a bit out of line or you just might not say the comforting thing that they need to hear.  However, your intentions for the other party are good and they need to realize that.  They CANNOT expect perfection and if they do, they are putting you in an impossible position.   Let them know that you aren't perfect, but you are trying.  Sometimes, just hearing that helps tremendously.
• It isn't your job to 'fix' the other party, nor is it the other party's job to try to 'fix' you.   That however, does not exclude being supportive.   For example, if I am not happy, my spouse can listen to me, but she is not responsible for my happiness.  That doesn't mean she shouldn't do anything, but her role is to not to ensure that I am happy, but rather provide a healthy, supportive environment in which I can find what it is for me to achieve contentment.
• Not letting shame or failure unrelated to the relationship have an impact on the relationship.  If I struggle at work or have family of origin problems or just have made mistakes, I cannot let the shame of those situations compromise me in terms of the relationship.   I cannot let a failure at work for example spill over and cause me to feel like a failure in the relationship.
• Not letting mistakes within the relationship rule the future of the relationship.   We make mistakes, we say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing and sometimes do very destructive things for our relationship.  However, we have to separate our mistakes and failures from a willingness to be 'ruled' in our relationship.  For example, we can damage our relationship by focusing on drinking, gambling or others.
• We can atone for mistakes but we can't throw away ourselves in the process.
• If our spouse doesn't accept us for mistakes or failings, no amount of groveling or trying to atone will fix our relationship.  If anything, it will increase resentment and lower for you.
• Change has to be for us, first and foremost, not as a codependent need to 'change' for him or her.

Most of all, you cannot be ruled by fear.  You can be sensitive and thoughtful and what not, but you have to be yourself.  If you are used to being a people pleaser or having to be the peacemaker, or having to be the one to adjust, it can be VERY daunting standing up for your own needs.  Ultimately, if you let a fear of relationship failure rule you, chances are you will be helping to set up such failure.  If being yourself leads to rejection, then most of the time, the relationship wasn't right for you anyway and no amount of trying to be someone else would have saved it anyway.  But, if you allow yourself to be yourself in a relationship, you are being honest to yourself and your partner.  It may be a difficult adjustment in the relationship going from being a codependent people pleasure, but eventually you will find out if you are meant to stay in the relationship and/or you will find that your significant other will adjust your personal growth and actually respect you for it. 


  

Forgiveness: The steps we go through for our own benefit.

As my dad's life draws to a close, I have felt the need to come to terms with what at times has not been the most comfortable or easiest relationship. In some ways, the most difficult relationship of my life. Part of what helps me come to terms with people and circumstances is writing about them.  In other words, allowing my thoughts and feelings see the light of day.  So, over time I have come to some conclusions about forgiveness.  (originally written 3/27/15 - he has since passed away)

About forgiveness:

I've heard it said that forgiveness is not something we do for others, but rather ourselves.   In a way, I see this as true.  This is especially true when the person whom is the object of our forgiveness either doesn't realize that he or she needs to be forgiven or doesn't care about being forgiven.  

We can confront the one who has wronged us and if he/she is ready they might even own up to their offense.  However, there is always a distinct possibility of them them not being recognizing or caring about the wrong they've done to us.  So,what then are we left with at that point: perhaps more resentment.

So, what do we do?  It's believe it's healthiest to forgive them.  I don't mean forgive and accept continued abuse. I mean to forgive them for what they have done and if necessary forgive them for their hurtful tendencies.

I believe the process to forgiveness can be a 4-step process: avoidance, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness  I will elaborate on that:

• Avoidance 
• We might have to pull away from the person who wronged us to prevent further hurt.  
• Alternatively, we might have to pull away to avoid trying the temptation to 'settle the score'.
• Acceptance
• We still get irritated with or by the other person, but we accept that it is time to start trying to forgive our offender. 
• They may not have stopped wronging or trying to wrong us, but we accept at this point that we cannot control them. They may be incapable or unwilling to change, but with avoidance, we've minimized their ability to hurt us.
• This step is characterized by showing outward signs of forgiveness--going through the motions of forgiveness--but not necessarily internally being forgiving.
• This is an important step as it shows we are moving beyond being the victim and worked towards forgiving them.
• Understanding 
• For our peace of mind we are trying to find reasons for why our offender is the way he or she is.  Is it personal or are we just the one in the line of fire?
• This isn't meant to accept or condone their behavior but to understand it better.  That is to say we don't agree with, but understand how our offender could get to the place they are in their thinking or behavior.
• In some cases, we may start to empathize with our offender, depending on what brought them to hurting us.
• Perhaps, he or she had a tough childhood--abuse/neglect/tragedy.
• His or her behavior, while not at all acceptable, may be a coping mechanism.  For example, if he/she did not have any control over rough circumstances during childhood, he/she might exhibit harmful controlling behavior in adulthood as a misplaced defense mechanism.
• In other cases, we may just have to understand that perhaps our offender is wired differently.  Not everyone is wired the same.  We may on some level start to appreciate our offender is just wired differently and doesn't have the capacity to understand how they hurt us nor the capacity to avoid hurting us.  In the worst case, we might be left with understanding that they are (or have become wired to be selfish).  That's not very comforting, but understanding that some people are just that way can at least allow us to move to the forgiveness level.
• Forgiveness
• In this stage, we have pretty well let our anger and resentment go.  That's not to say we don't have 'flare-ups' of anger and resentment, but instead that it doesn't rule us.
• This stage may be characterized by sadness.  Sadness that the relationship in question 'has to be' like it is.
• We may forgive, but that doesn't mean we forget or put ourselves at risk in the situation again.
• It may mean having the person involved--sometimes heavily--in our life.
• It may mean forgiving from afar and for our own sake keeping a safe distance.
• Sometimes forgiveness is expressed directly to the person.  In other cases, it may be implied or unspoken as we no longer showing resentment or anger in their direction.

I will close this by reminding my readers that forgiveness is an age old practice Jesus himself set the bar on this when he said:

...Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing." And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.   (Luke 23:24)

 I feel like if He, having committed no sin could do it, then perhaps the rest of us might do well to work on it.

Accepting people for where they are.

As I am revamping my original blog about addiction/codependence, I will add a human nature post now. God blessed me with this enlightenment about an hour before church this past Sunday.

Accepting people for where they are:
So, as a single guy in his 40s dating and with friends who are in their 40s as well, I've come to many an insight. For example, everyone has a different path to where they are in life.
* Some have the clear path straight along the highway on a sunny day. They are very blessed and have seemingly made the 'proper' choices.
* The path of some is the scenic route where they take a few diversions. They mostly make the right choices but they make a few 'mistakes' along the way. In other words, they get to where they need to go, but they make a few 'bad choices'.
* The path of others is the long and winding road. They struggle with some of the basic questions: who am I, what is my purpose. They've made a number of questionable choices along the way. You look back at where they've come from and it is clear that it was almost inevitable that they would struggle.

What I've come to realize is that each person in my life has their own story. They have their own path. The people with the easier path, you don't begrudge them for not understanding. The people with the long and winding path, you don't judge them for where they've been. The people who took the scenic route, you listen to their story and appreciate the diversions they've taken. Really all of them you listen to their story.
God accepts each of us for where we've been so why shouldn't I? I guess the long and short of it is this: I don't care where you've come from, what you have or haven't done. As long as you are here today and treat others around you well, none of it matters. Anyway, that's my thought of the day. Take it for what it's worth. 

* (Now married - as of 3/12/16)

Just the way you are.