I won't go into much detail for anonymity reasons, but I became aware of a family that had faced a very sad circumstance in their life. They were culturally very different from me. I had had some experience (and friendships) from people of that culture. However, those around me hadn't necessarily had the same. So, not everyone in my circle fully appreciated the family's reaction to their sad circumstance. When you broke down their reaction, the family's reaction is quite logical. Fully embracing it publicly could, at least in theory, involve the loss of face. Besides, as I discovered with the loss of my dad, mom and closest sibling in recent years, life and its grind and responsibilities do not stop just because you face hardship.
Searching and Fearless: Thoughts on Addiction/Codependence and Human Nature
This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
Sunday, January 16, 2022
Accepting people even when you don't fully understand or appreciate them.
I won't go into much detail for anonymity reasons, but I became aware of a family that had faced a very sad circumstance in their life. They were culturally very different from me. I had had some experience (and friendships) from people of that culture. However, those around me hadn't necessarily had the same. So, not everyone in my circle fully appreciated the family's reaction to their sad circumstance. When you broke down their reaction, the family's reaction is quite logical. Fully embracing it publicly could, at least in theory, involve the loss of face. Besides, as I discovered with the loss of my dad, mom and closest sibling in recent years, life and its grind and responsibilities do not stop just because you face hardship.
Friday, May 21, 2021
Controlling your life starts with controlling you
Had someone said control starts with you, I would have laughed at them. The idea of 'being in control' would have sounded utterly absurd to me. As previously mentioned, I didn't have control over what I could wear or what eat, the home in which I live in and its state of repair or disrepair. In my house, I didn't have control over the dysfunction--the yelling, the screaming, in some cases the domestic violence. On my person, I didn't have control over the sexual abuse that happened to me and the bullying in the neighborhood and at school. So, to me the idea to me that I controlled anything would have met with like a "yeah, right" type stare. Before I go on, I just want to state that I'm not focused on what I "didn't have" but am setting up a point. I do realize that I am still fortunate in some ways living in the wealthiest country in the world. But, I digress. I didn't realize it then, but I realize these days that in some ways I had much more control than I understood.
Let's move forward into my adulthood. I was always the 'peacemaker' which in some ways is another way of saying "approval seeker" or "people pleaser". I had started that role in my childhood and played that role in my adult life too. It didn't help that I developed a moderate to severe anxiety condition as a 17 year old and as such sought calm as a result. In any case, this desire for approval (or better yet to not be disliked) led me to not properly stand up for myself. I didn't stand up for myself as a kid and as a young adult I continued this pattern. In some ways, I let those closest to me continued to control me by using my need for approval and my need not to be disliked or unwanted. So, in some ways to me it felt like a progression from my childhood with the manipulation and being controlled that was part of needing acceptance.
--
Despite having the sense of 'powerlessness' in my early years and my earlier adulthood, I believe I gradually have awakened to a different view or perspective of control (or power). I used to be view power or control as:
- Something that is given or allowed.
- Something we have to grab aggressively to gain.
- Necessarily involve or interact with that which is outside out.
- That which we can implicitly gain or earn.
- That which we can find within ourselves.
- It isn't necessarily something we are given or allowed, but what we own.
- When someone in your life tries to control you, to a large degree the control over you is what you allow or tolerate from them.
- Control doesn't need to be something achieved via threats over others. It is best achieved or earned by doing the right things for the right reason and therefore gaining authority or power with that role.
- You can't control how people treat you, but you can control your response. You can influence your outcomes positively with control of yourself.
Saturday, February 20, 2021
Facing Reality and Arizona
Why and when we don't speak up?
- We are afraid of consequences.
- Fear of consequences to us and those close to us.
- Sometimes we fear consequences to our everyday life.
- For example, we are aware of corruption at the highest levels in our place of employment, we may fear retaliation--such as job loss--if we speak out.
- For example, if we speak out against problems in our child's school district, we might fear doing so puts a target on their back.
- For example, if we point out corruption in our place of worship we risk being shunned by the church.
- Sometimes we fear consequences to the safety.
- For example, if we witness a murder or embezzlement, we might fear harm if we agree to cooperate with law enforcement investigating it.
- For example, in Nazi Germany those who spoke out of turn about the Third Reich were at risk of never being heard from again.
- Fear of consequences to society as a whole.
- There has long been speculation about the 'truth' behind the assassination of JFK. There has been speculation that the government either knew more about it than they admitted and/or were more involved than they admitted. The unspoken fear is that if the 'public knew what really happened', it would undermine our government as an institution. At least that's the theory about it.
- In other words, the 'truth' is just too damning for us handle as a society. In other words, as a society we are not "ready" to handle certain truths.
- We are too entangled.
- Are we compromised? Are we corrupt as well?
- It would stand to reason that a politician on the take would be less likely to out others on the take, especially if they felt their corruption was 'known'.
- Are we entangled with one who is compromised or corrupt.
- We are likely to be silent about corruption, for example, if a friend or loved one is in the middle of it.
- We could have a bias to protect the person or persons.
- We don't know how to or where to start
- Sometimes a problem or wrong is so huge in scope that we aren't sure where to start.
- Sometimes we just don't have the words to express what we know to be true.
- Much of the public doubts the official version of the JFK killing and what followed (Lee Harvey Oswald's killing). While there are a number of alternative theories to what REALLY happened, there are many people who doubt the official version because it just seems to convenient or similar. They can't say for sure what happened, but they KNOW that the official version just sounds a bit to nicely wrapped up.
- We don't have 'all the evidence', despite it being blatantly obvious the problem exists.
- We have a good circumstantial case, but we don't have the 'body' or 'smoking gun'. This is the case when law enforcement has a good working theory on a crime but doesn't indict or go public until they have concrete evidence/irrefutable proof.
- The scope of the problem is not fully evident yet. For example, an auto manufacture may hold off an an official recall until they get their arms around the extent of a defect or flaw.
- We are in denial of the scope of the problem.
- In numerous high school shootings, the perpetrators were known to be students and staff as 'problem children', but for whatever reason no one stepped up and took decisive action to avoid a tragedy.
- People sometimes behave as if they ignore a big enough problem it will just 'go away by itself'.
- We have decided it is not the right hill to die on or not the right time.
- When I was a teen, my dad gave me lunch money for school. Sometimes I packed a lunch and just pocketed the money. It wasn't the most honest behavior and I found out later my dad figured it out. However, the matter apparently wasn't important enough in the big scheme of things for him to address as I did help him a lot.
- How do we address an issue.
- Do we address it directly?
- Do we put all our cards on the table, acknowledging the extent of the problem?
- Doing so could make others defensive or alienate them.
- Doing so could put us in an awkward position of being forced to make a difficult choice or decision (especially if we are not prepared to do so)?
- For example, if a relationship is broken addressing the brokenness directly could build pressure for us to get out of it from those around us.
- Dong so could also kick the 900lb. gorilla out the room and allow us a fresh start as a family, group, or society rather than a wound that continues to slowly bleed out.
- How can we even remotely hope to heal a relationship, for example, without addressing what is actually broken in it.
- Do we address it indirectly?
- Do we tacitly acknowledge a problem without speaking directly to it or fully to it?
- Doing so gives could give people room to address the problem and save face.
- In court, this looks like a 'no-contest' plea.
- In international diplomacy, it may look like a quiet solution to a crisis.
- In a relationship, this could look like a plea for individual counseling.
- Doing so could allow us the space to work out a solution. An unspoken understanding of an issue could also lead to an unspoken solution, where a problem is addressed quietly without a public outing of the problem and the pressure that brings.
- When the St. Louis Cardinals traded Keith Hernandez they wanted to get rid of a popular player with drug problems, but they didn't want to publicly humiliate him.
- They orchestrated an unpopular trade to get rid of the problem from the St. Louis clubhouse.
- Had they outed him as drug addict beforehand that could have caused a bigger disruption in the clubhouse and would have forced them to get rid of him under more pressure.
- Doing so could unfortunately can sometimes give the problem more space to fester.
- Sometimes problems need to be fully out in the open before real solutions can be undertaken.
- For example, quietly or indirectly addressing a problem with a loved one about their drinking, might get an acknowledgement and a commitment to do better. However, if it is out of control it might offer them the space to ignore you. An intervention might be necessary to force them to face their issues.
- As a society, it is best to be as transparent as possible about problems we face. However, not everything that can be said has to be said. Sometimes doing so could be more harmful than good, esp. when dealing with those who don't have our best interests in mind.
- There are sometimes legitimate reasons for delaying transparency--such as preparing people to deal with bad news. However, sometimes we avoid transparency for selfish reasons such as not wanting to expose our role in a problem or issue.
- We can quietly acknowledge issues or problems to allow people/society space to work on them. However, quiet acknowledgement should not be used as a means of avoiding dealing with them.
Monday, January 18, 2021
Contentment about the Future: We Are Free To Decide For It
Wednesday, December 30, 2020
Roles: We All Actors on Life's Stage
As many of us go through the year-ending holidays as parents and grandparents, we are looked to by our children as those who lead the activities and celebrations and just set the tone for our home. We are usually embracing a role that our parents had embraced before us. Sometimes it is out of a sense of tradition and sometimes it it because we want to do. Anyway, let's focus on the word 'role'. What is a role to me? It is a part we play. It is actions or attitude we embrace. We embrace them for our own reasons.
Sometimes, we embrace the part or actions/attitude because that is what is expected of us. We want to be considered by society as being "responsible". In other words, we do what is expected because we don't want to 'look bad' to others. Sometimes, we embrace our role because it is a core belief of our faith. We want to be respectful or obedient of our Higher Power (God) and/or our moral code. The "Fear of the Lord" might keep us on the right track and/or just wanting to make sure we please our Father (Higher Power). Sometimes, we feel like we are being judged by those close to us. We may want to please our parents, spouse or even children. Perhaps maybe it could be more like that we don't want to 'displease' them. Sometimes it may be as simple as we want to be feel good about ourselves. So, we embrace a role to boost or ego a bit. Sometimes, there is just something deep inside us telling us that a particular role is just something that we should have or do or are meant to have or do. Whatever the draw, sometimes it feels to me in a way that we are actors on a stage called life. Our audience may be society at large, those close to us or are Higher Power.
Sometimes we embrace a role with almost reckless enthusiasm. We are excited and can't wait to burst onto the stage and start belting out our lines. That is, we are almost getting ahead of ourselves. We are on the edge interrupting the other actors or actresses who are in the process of finishing their lines. Sometimes, we embrace our role with dogged determination. We appreciate it is what we should be doing or where we should be. We push and grind through it in a bid to make sure we get it right or complete. Sometimes, like Noah, we grudgingly embrace our role because, while we hate it, we are facing consequences if we don't. Whether it is someone's wrath, a loss of face or just personal shame, we are compelled to meet our role. Whatever way we embrace it, we still behaving like actors on stage. Just sometimes we have an easier time getting into the character of our role. Additionally, sometimes we just do a better job in 'acting' our role. While it would be best if we embraced our roles properly and gave an Oscar worthy performance in our roles, much of the battle is just accepting and trying. Like a famous PSA for adopting says, "You don't have to be perfect to be the perfect parent." Sometimes it is enough to accept and work seriously at your role.
I've expressed why we seek and/or accept roles. I've also expressed how we embrace our roles. But, let's get more concrete. What our our roles? Below is just a sampling of roles and not meant to be a complete list or in any particular order.
ROLES (examples)
- Becoming/being a parent
- When I took my daughter's mom to the hospital 13+ years ago, I felt like we were a couple with this concept of impending parenthood represented by a significant bulge in her tummy. I knew conceptually that we were about to become parents, but nothing could fully prepare me for what followed. We went to the hospital as a couple with the idea of a child on the way. We left as a couple that just happened to have this little person who was fully dependent on us.
- As we were taking this little person to the car on the way out, it struck me: I'm a parent now and I don't know if I have what it takes. Life hits you quick sometimes and I realized that I needed to suck it up and try no matter my insecurities.
- I was on 'stage' with the audience being the world. I felt like I had to put on a good performance in the role of 'parent'. Honestly, for me, my real audience was my daughter, her mom and my Higher Power (God).
- Being a good spouse/significant other
- As I've heard and been advised the real work of relationships/marriage is not when things are going smooth. The real work is when there are difficulties, differences or conflict. It's easy when things are going smooth to be embrace the illusion that 'love' alone will carry the day. However, as anyone who has been in a long-term marriage or who has been divorced realizes that warmth towards your SO is important. However, dedication and determination will carry the day long term. In other words, 'playing your role'.
- Being a good employee
- I've heard the phrase, attributed to Mark Twain, "Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life." I don't necessarily totally agree with that. I think that even people that love their job, need a break from time to time. Even the most loved jobs can have their own challenges.
- Our role is quite clear here: If you are do a job, do it properly (or to the best of your ability). It's hard to take pride in doing a job poorly and/or disinterestedly.
- Being a citizen or member of society
- In order for society to function smoothly we have to be a good neighbor and we have to participate in it.
- We play the role of a voter. We take seriously the role of choosing our leaders and/or our rules.
- We can play the role of a good neighbor. If we see someone that is distressed or needs help. Even if we don't feel like getting involved, putting ourself at risk or just interrupting what our own routine, we can play a responsible role.
- If we are in a 'hero or leader' role, it is important that we embrace the role properly. It is important that we set a good example. That could making sure we are appropriate in our role. It could mean that we put others before ourselves.
Roles can feel uplifting, roles can feel challenging, roles can feel foreign, and frankly roles can even feel miserable. But, however a role feels, if we are meant to take a role, it is important that we take it seriously. An actor on the stage will only be accepted by the audience if he/she takes his/her role seriously. Similarly, I believe we can live a meaningful, purposeful or proper life if we are willing to take seriously or accept our role. This isn't always easy and sometimes as I will aside shortly, roles can be brutal. For me, when I think about it, if God can take the form of a man and take on hurt of the sin of the world and the brutal death for us, maybe I can suck it up.
Just my 2 cents.
-- Rich
- In 2011, I had to play the role of a loving younger brother while I helped with my late brother's passing. In 2015, I finished that role as I had his ashes interned. I wrote a eulogy for him.
- In 2014, I had to play the role of a responsible son as my mom died suddenly and not fully prepared. I had to pull together (financially and logistically) a funeral and a wake in a matter of a few days. Once again, I had to write a eulogy.
- In 2015, I had to set up another funeral and burial as my dad finally succumbed to Parkinson's related complications.
Saturday, December 5, 2020
Drug Addiction: A Hazy Shade of Spring
- Don't realize or underestimate the addictive potential of the drugs they choose.
- They alienate those closest to them.
- They are subject to harsh withdrawal and a desire to make it go and just feel good again.
- They have the delusion that "I'll just get high one just one more time", even after they have had a crash or they have a 'sober' moment when they realize the damage. See the point above.
- They have the inability to keep employed.
- We (their family/friends) wonder if we are enabling them when we help them out.
- They are often 'off' or shaky even when the when the have been sober for a bit.
- They struggle with staying clean, even after a stint in rehab.
- Always seek a healthy outlet for your life's worries.
- Never start something that you have to convince yourself that you won't get hooked or that you can stop at any time. If you have to convince yourself, you've basically already admitted you are at-risk.
Saturday, November 21, 2020
A confidence game: Self-confidence
This whole election cycle has been draining more than usual. Every four years we are told that this is the most important election in our nation's history. Judging by the reaction to this one, however, I wonder if this is true this time? But, I digress. We choose our leader based on who we have the most confidence in (or who we have the lesser lack of confidence in). Speaking of confidence, I was thinking about it this week.
I don't know how everyone else experience's confidence (or lack thereof), but the answer reminded me of my experience skydiving.
DOUBTS
Moments of not feeling confident
- I measure what I say. To make sure what I say sounds good/smart/funny/clever...
- I don't speak a point as assertively as if I hope you will agree.
- I don't walk as confidently.
- I tend to frown or be more serious.
- I speak more haltingly as I analyze what I just said and/or will say next.
- I hold my emotions in tightly to not let fear overtake me.
- I dread having to make the move out of the plane.
- I hold on just a little longer before I jump out.
- I tend to focus on making sure the bad thing doesn't happen, rather than enjoying the experience.
- I move a little more cautiously.
- I speak more from my gut or soul and don't pause to over-analyze it.
- I express my point firmly as if I mean it and I expect you to understand (and possibly agree).
- I walk more confidently.
- I tend to have more lightness of being.
- I speak very smoothly and continuously as if it comes naturally.
- I've falling thought the clouds enjoying the ride smiling and enjoying it.
- I am glad let go of the plane and I'm trusting my tandem instructor.
- I confidently talk with my tandem instructor as I we are going through the air.
- I focus on completing it successfully like a champ.
- I am deliberate but 'sure-footed' as we land.