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Showing posts with label CODA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CODA. Show all posts

Friday, April 27, 2012

Codependence and "Little Precious"

I have been busy the past few days, but I wanted to at least put a short entry for today.   I was talking to a friend in CODA and it occurred to me what extreme codependence looks like.

As many of us know, this is Gollum from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.   Anyone who knows anything about this series of books/movies, knows that his character has an extreme codependence on the "Ring of Power".   He is so stuck on the ring that he will go to any lengths to hold onto it or get it back if he loses it.   In fact his body and mind have been corrupted by the longing for and the influence of the ring.   He calls the ring "little precious" and speaks of it in a very deranged manner.

The insanity he displays when longing for and/or holding onto the ring bring to mind what extreme codependence look like:

* A single-minded pursuit.  (Living for the relationship)
* A smothering grip. (Controlling/Fear-based).
* The unwillingness or inability to see how such codependence can be destructive. (Delusional)
* Losing oneself when trying to reach for hold onto one's own "little precious". (Destructive)

In considering whether a relationship is healthy or not, if you are honest, would you see the relationship as "my little precious"?  In other words, would you see it as something you can't cope without or do you see it something that enhances your life but that takes work to keep healthy.

You fight for what's important to you, but you can't live your life as if its continuation depends on THE relationship.  I'm not advocating something like simply walking away from an imperfect marriage--except where it is abusive, threatening and/or the vows are shattered.  Instead, I'm advocating not trying to hold onto the unhealthy with a deathgrip.  You fight for what's important.  However, when the fight becomes an unhealthy death-grip, you step back and let the chips fall where they may, reaching out to your Higher Power (praying/meditating) for guidance.  Once again, I'm not meaning pushing towards breakup or divorce when the relationship is not so healthy, but instead letting the relationship flow in a natural direction, not a forced or fear-based one.  A relationship that is tied up in extreme codependence is fear-based and not love-based.  As the scriptures say...

Let all that you do be done in love. (1st Corinthians 16:14)

Just some thoughts for the day...

* As of 12/29/2016, this blog was updated for editing and reposting purposes. I know LOTR is way out of date, but the concepts within the blog are not.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Why to write? Even thoughts need a home..

I was talking with a friend in CODA (codependents anonymous) and sharing some struggles I'd been going though. I obviously needed to vent. In the process of thanking her for listening it occurred to my about why we surrender our fears/worries/successes/failures. As we know sometimes we have thoughts that bother us until we get them off our chest-either by writing them or expressing them to a friend. It occurred to me stray thoughts that are going around and around in our mind are homeless. When a person does not feel like he has a home, his or her life and/or future can be clouded. He or she has no place to really rest or unwind. In a way he or she may not be comfortable enough to really start unpacking aka opening up. We can have thoughts running around in our head which seem to lack clarity. The thought doesn't feel like it has a place to fully express itself. This can make us irritated as we know something is bothering us, but cannot totally pin it down. Those thoughts effectively are homeless. When we journal or write for public consumption our thoughts, we are giving our thoughts a home. What happens when we truly feel at home? Of course, we begin to unwind and/or open up.  Similarly, having been freed of the confines of our mind, our thoughts often seem to expand or clarify as if they are opening up.

The benefit of surrendering our thoughts by writing is we give them a home.   Like sometimes people do when they get a new place and have had time to unpack, they start inviting company over to share their place.  Similarly,  when a thought has a comfortable home such as in a letter, on a post, in a article or in a book, we are often willing to share that thought with others.