This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
Monday, January 18, 2021
Contentment about the Future: We Are Free To Decide For It
Wednesday, December 30, 2020
Roles: We All Actors on Life's Stage
As many of us go through the year-ending holidays as parents and grandparents, we are looked to by our children as those who lead the activities and celebrations and just set the tone for our home. We are usually embracing a role that our parents had embraced before us. Sometimes it is out of a sense of tradition and sometimes it it because we want to do. Anyway, let's focus on the word 'role'. What is a role to me? It is a part we play. It is actions or attitude we embrace. We embrace them for our own reasons.
Sometimes, we embrace the part or actions/attitude because that is what is expected of us. We want to be considered by society as being "responsible". In other words, we do what is expected because we don't want to 'look bad' to others. Sometimes, we embrace our role because it is a core belief of our faith. We want to be respectful or obedient of our Higher Power (God) and/or our moral code. The "Fear of the Lord" might keep us on the right track and/or just wanting to make sure we please our Father (Higher Power). Sometimes, we feel like we are being judged by those close to us. We may want to please our parents, spouse or even children. Perhaps maybe it could be more like that we don't want to 'displease' them. Sometimes it may be as simple as we want to be feel good about ourselves. So, we embrace a role to boost or ego a bit. Sometimes, there is just something deep inside us telling us that a particular role is just something that we should have or do or are meant to have or do. Whatever the draw, sometimes it feels to me in a way that we are actors on a stage called life. Our audience may be society at large, those close to us or are Higher Power.
Sometimes we embrace a role with almost reckless enthusiasm. We are excited and can't wait to burst onto the stage and start belting out our lines. That is, we are almost getting ahead of ourselves. We are on the edge interrupting the other actors or actresses who are in the process of finishing their lines. Sometimes, we embrace our role with dogged determination. We appreciate it is what we should be doing or where we should be. We push and grind through it in a bid to make sure we get it right or complete. Sometimes, like Noah, we grudgingly embrace our role because, while we hate it, we are facing consequences if we don't. Whether it is someone's wrath, a loss of face or just personal shame, we are compelled to meet our role. Whatever way we embrace it, we still behaving like actors on stage. Just sometimes we have an easier time getting into the character of our role. Additionally, sometimes we just do a better job in 'acting' our role. While it would be best if we embraced our roles properly and gave an Oscar worthy performance in our roles, much of the battle is just accepting and trying. Like a famous PSA for adopting says, "You don't have to be perfect to be the perfect parent." Sometimes it is enough to accept and work seriously at your role.
I've expressed why we seek and/or accept roles. I've also expressed how we embrace our roles. But, let's get more concrete. What our our roles? Below is just a sampling of roles and not meant to be a complete list or in any particular order.
ROLES (examples)
- Becoming/being a parent
- When I took my daughter's mom to the hospital 13+ years ago, I felt like we were a couple with this concept of impending parenthood represented by a significant bulge in her tummy. I knew conceptually that we were about to become parents, but nothing could fully prepare me for what followed. We went to the hospital as a couple with the idea of a child on the way. We left as a couple that just happened to have this little person who was fully dependent on us.
- As we were taking this little person to the car on the way out, it struck me: I'm a parent now and I don't know if I have what it takes. Life hits you quick sometimes and I realized that I needed to suck it up and try no matter my insecurities.
- I was on 'stage' with the audience being the world. I felt like I had to put on a good performance in the role of 'parent'. Honestly, for me, my real audience was my daughter, her mom and my Higher Power (God).
- Being a good spouse/significant other
- As I've heard and been advised the real work of relationships/marriage is not when things are going smooth. The real work is when there are difficulties, differences or conflict. It's easy when things are going smooth to be embrace the illusion that 'love' alone will carry the day. However, as anyone who has been in a long-term marriage or who has been divorced realizes that warmth towards your SO is important. However, dedication and determination will carry the day long term. In other words, 'playing your role'.
- Being a good employee
- I've heard the phrase, attributed to Mark Twain, "Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life." I don't necessarily totally agree with that. I think that even people that love their job, need a break from time to time. Even the most loved jobs can have their own challenges.
- Our role is quite clear here: If you are do a job, do it properly (or to the best of your ability). It's hard to take pride in doing a job poorly and/or disinterestedly.
- Being a citizen or member of society
- In order for society to function smoothly we have to be a good neighbor and we have to participate in it.
- We play the role of a voter. We take seriously the role of choosing our leaders and/or our rules.
- We can play the role of a good neighbor. If we see someone that is distressed or needs help. Even if we don't feel like getting involved, putting ourself at risk or just interrupting what our own routine, we can play a responsible role.
- If we are in a 'hero or leader' role, it is important that we embrace the role properly. It is important that we set a good example. That could making sure we are appropriate in our role. It could mean that we put others before ourselves.
Roles can feel uplifting, roles can feel challenging, roles can feel foreign, and frankly roles can even feel miserable. But, however a role feels, if we are meant to take a role, it is important that we take it seriously. An actor on the stage will only be accepted by the audience if he/she takes his/her role seriously. Similarly, I believe we can live a meaningful, purposeful or proper life if we are willing to take seriously or accept our role. This isn't always easy and sometimes as I will aside shortly, roles can be brutal. For me, when I think about it, if God can take the form of a man and take on hurt of the sin of the world and the brutal death for us, maybe I can suck it up.
Just my 2 cents.
-- Rich
- In 2011, I had to play the role of a loving younger brother while I helped with my late brother's passing. In 2015, I finished that role as I had his ashes interned. I wrote a eulogy for him.
- In 2014, I had to play the role of a responsible son as my mom died suddenly and not fully prepared. I had to pull together (financially and logistically) a funeral and a wake in a matter of a few days. Once again, I had to write a eulogy.
- In 2015, I had to set up another funeral and burial as my dad finally succumbed to Parkinson's related complications.
Saturday, December 5, 2020
Drug Addiction: A Hazy Shade of Spring
- Don't realize or underestimate the addictive potential of the drugs they choose.
- They alienate those closest to them.
- They are subject to harsh withdrawal and a desire to make it go and just feel good again.
- They have the delusion that "I'll just get high one just one more time", even after they have had a crash or they have a 'sober' moment when they realize the damage. See the point above.
- They have the inability to keep employed.
- We (their family/friends) wonder if we are enabling them when we help them out.
- They are often 'off' or shaky even when the when the have been sober for a bit.
- They struggle with staying clean, even after a stint in rehab.
- Always seek a healthy outlet for your life's worries.
- Never start something that you have to convince yourself that you won't get hooked or that you can stop at any time. If you have to convince yourself, you've basically already admitted you are at-risk.
Saturday, November 21, 2020
A confidence game: Self-confidence
This whole election cycle has been draining more than usual. Every four years we are told that this is the most important election in our nation's history. Judging by the reaction to this one, however, I wonder if this is true this time? But, I digress. We choose our leader based on who we have the most confidence in (or who we have the lesser lack of confidence in). Speaking of confidence, I was thinking about it this week.
I don't know how everyone else experience's confidence (or lack thereof), but the answer reminded me of my experience skydiving.
DOUBTS
Moments of not feeling confident
- I measure what I say. To make sure what I say sounds good/smart/funny/clever...
- I don't speak a point as assertively as if I hope you will agree.
- I don't walk as confidently.
- I tend to frown or be more serious.
- I speak more haltingly as I analyze what I just said and/or will say next.
- I hold my emotions in tightly to not let fear overtake me.
- I dread having to make the move out of the plane.
- I hold on just a little longer before I jump out.
- I tend to focus on making sure the bad thing doesn't happen, rather than enjoying the experience.
- I move a little more cautiously.
- I speak more from my gut or soul and don't pause to over-analyze it.
- I express my point firmly as if I mean it and I expect you to understand (and possibly agree).
- I walk more confidently.
- I tend to have more lightness of being.
- I speak very smoothly and continuously as if it comes naturally.
- I've falling thought the clouds enjoying the ride smiling and enjoying it.
- I am glad let go of the plane and I'm trusting my tandem instructor.
- I confidently talk with my tandem instructor as I we are going through the air.
- I focus on completing it successfully like a champ.
- I am deliberate but 'sure-footed' as we land.
Sunday, September 20, 2020
Making a Better Chili: Adding an ingredient, not replacing the chili.
- If you are struggling with getting along or quality time with your family of origin, then it can tend to bleed onto other aspects of your life--marriage, job, relationship with your own kids (their relatives).
- If you are struggling with your job, you may tend to feel defeated and that can spill into other parts of your life, especially if there are any other parts feeling unsettled.
- If you are struggling with friendships (or lacking them or not having good healthy ones), it can sour your mood at home, on the job or elsewhere.
- If you are struggling with money, it can keep you on edge, especially when money is required, talked about or compared. This cause you to focus too much on money to the exclusion of other important aspects of your life and/or cause you to be short in dealing with others in your life.
- If you don't have a good home life, that's a huge foundational crack that can affect the foundation of all parts of your life.
Tuesday, September 1, 2020
Bad Days and Mondays: Being a Hostage to "Bad Days" of Others
- I hate drama and like peace.
- I used to be people pleaser/peacemaker. This led to
- Being too tolerant of people crossing my boundaries
- Being too tolerant of manipulative people.
- I have dealt with an anxiety disorder for much of my life and sometimes that means pushing away for the moment stressful things. Not ignoring responsibility so much as trying to find a way to push aside stressors. This means avoiding discord.
- I don't particularly like adding to the stress of others, though I'm sure I have.
- Unless you live an utterly charmed life, you will likely have the following at some point(s) in your life:
- Bad moments
- Bad days
- Bad periods
- Challenging circumstances.
- You can empathize with someone's bad day or circumstance, but you cannot be held hostage to it. This is especially true if you had nothing to do with creating it. Yeah, I can be there for you, but that doesn't mean you get to completely ignore my needs in the process.
- I wasn't part of the problem, but I can be part of the solution. Being part of the solution, however doesn't mean shutting me down or shutting me out either.
- People can have a bad day or time, but provided you are dealing with them with respect and in good faith, they don't have a right to 'punish' you for it.
- They don't have a right to shoot first and apologize later. In other words, you don't get to go after me misguidedly if I dot an 'i' or cross a 't' imperfectly because you are already having a bad day. You don't get to excuse it later as a I was just having a bad day.
- They don't have a right to ignore or belittle your concerns because their concerns are 'so much bigger'. This is especially true if you have zero culpability for their issues. I can empathize with your concerns or situation, but that doesn't mean that I lose voice in the process.
- They don't have a right to overreact and treat a little issue as if you have ruined their life.
- I have bad days too. I have feelings too. I have rights and needs too. Just because things aren't easy for you doesn't mean you get to ignore that. I am willing to be there for you, but there has to be reciprocation and most importantly respect.
Tuesday, August 11, 2020
Guilt: The pain that endures until...
- We have so many interactions in our lives. So, many circumstances or situations. There is literally no way we can get it right every time.
- Much of the time the consequences of 'failing' is relatively speaking small. You miss your kid's appointment, miss their concert, etc., it is upsetting. But, it is not like beat them without mercy, but instead disappointed them. It's upsetting, but it's not fatal.
- Occasionally, the consequence is huge and tragic. Maybe you shouldn't have known he or she was too tired to drive. However, if they'd cheated sleep before, it may have given you a false sense of security that it didn't seem to be an issue of concern.
- Ironically, I got this early on. I said to my daughter's mom that one day something will happen to our baby no matter how hard we try and we'll feel bad about it. My big concern was not a parent fail, but just limiting the size of the inevitable.
- It's hard to accept, but effectively what is at play here is that we can't control everything.
- Invariably, the one time we let up or let things slide is when the bad circumstance will happen.
- The 'one' time I didn't immediately check on in on a loved one, things went sideways.
- The one time you let someone talk you out of taking them to the ER was the one time it was more serious that originally thought.
- It is easy to forget the times in which we did get it right or didn't 'fail'. We ignore those times and beat ourselves up.
- I did positively intervene when my brother was struggling and helped him, giving him hope for longer than he otherwise would have had.
- You have always attended your kid's concerts before faithfully before.
- You have saved the day multiple times at work already.
- Sometimes we just have to take care of ourselves.
- You could literally spend all your time worrying about a situation, but sometimes it is not completely in our control and we can't spend all our time stressing about controlling it.
- Sometimes, our situation requires our attention. If we aren't healthy enough for ourselves, we probably won't be healthy enough to help another.
- Ultimately, we can't fix everything.
- Accepting 'defeat' or helplessness can be a tough pill to swallow. This is especially true if we pride ourselves on being a fixer or problem solver.
- Many times the circumstance we feel guilt about it is not totally in our control.
- We could have told our loved one to see a doctor or maybe we didn't think they were open to hearing it. Ultimately, only they know how they feel and ultimately and it is their call.
- We could have done an intervention, but there was the risk of alienating our loved one and losing any ability to communicate. So, we choose a lighter footprint, hoping it works out.