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Friday, February 13, 2015

It's just you and me and we just disagree...

When I originally posted this back in February 2015, I was about to post about dating these days, especially dating site dating, but I had a better idea at that moment.  I thought, I've seen enough relationships that end with a thud and a blame game and felt like perhaps I have some insight those.  To me, much of the time, relationships end with a huge blame game.  That to me is such a waste of energy which leaves no one happy. I think what drove this blog may have been that I was a bit irritable too in hearing about a particular broken relationship.  Don't fully remember now.

Anyway, in the beginning of many failed relationships, it's like a Steve Miller song.  Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time...  




Reality hits eventually.  We either realize the other person has traits we are not particularly fond of OR probably more accurately finally accept they have those traits.  Anyway, over time, we decide if the other is what we want in a mate.  Eventually, one (or more) of these types of scenarios will play out:
  • Enough doubt accumulates and we wake up and think WTH am I doing in this situation? 
  • A tipping point is hit in which we know we can't stay in the situation.
  • Let's be honest: in some cases, we find another fancier newer toy--another person--that 'humors' us more. 
  • We choose our addictions over the other person.
In any case, whatever reason for the breakup, there seem to be two common traits that are present at the end many/most relationships.  
   1) Needing to explain away how we could have spent as much time and effort in a failed relationship.
   2) Need to 'win' aka portray yourself as the reasonable one and the other as the jerk/nut/gold digger...

IMHO, it's really really a pride issue.  Assuming the person hasn't totally hid who they are, that is to say they are largely the same person as they were on day one, then whether you accept them now for who they are is not their problem,  it is your problem.  If I have a personality trait or whatever and I haven't hid it, but you are just now realizing the nature of it and don't like it, once again that isn't my problem, it is yours.  

For example, if I tell slightly off-color jokes and you seem to be fine with it for a long time--and even seem to laugh at them--and one day you attack me for it, how is that my issue? If one of your friends thought it was in bad taste and you rip me for it, how is it a my fault issue?  I haven't changed, you just have decided for whatever that is something you can't accept.  That's your prerogative, but to rip me for it now, isn't fair.

If you think to yourself, how could I have settled, that isn't my issue, it's yours.  Just because you weren't able to assess your wants or needs properly doesn't mean that that I should take the blame for it.  Don't just decide to attack me and label me as this or that because you carry your own shame and/or shame around your friends for 'settling'.  The mature way to handle it is to say, you know, "we are two different people and too different of people" and move on.  There doesn't have to be shame.  Instead accept it as a lesson learned as to what's important to you in a relationship.  Accept it as something you'll be able to pick up on sooner next time.

Now, once again, some people bury their issues/flaws intentionally from their partner.  I'm not talking about those situations.  I'm talking about situations in which the relationship doesn't work out
due to differences and one or both parties proceed to try to destroy the other person because they can't handle it accepting it maturely.

I see it time and time again.  It's like get over yourself, don't play small.  Just accept the fact that some people aren't meant to be and be the bigger person in the breakup.  I suppose hurt feelings
play a role in the need to demonize the other.

Anyway, folks that is why dating is called dating and not marrying, except when it is actually marrying Mr./Ms. Wrong.

I do want to include a personal story however.  One time I was going back and forth with the lady I met at my daughter's ice-skating lesson.  We talked a little back and forth and there was a bit of connection.  At some point, I was venting a little about my dad and she started ripping me.  It was just a little griping about his being difficult, not blaming him for all my life's ills.  Somehow that rubbed her wrong and I am thinking to myself, you know I'm still the same person as I was a couple weeks ago.  Long story short, she decided she didn't want me in her life.  I was pretty well coming to that conclusion as well, but was just going to let it drift naturally.  In other words, be dignified.  So, she texted me and said I don't think we should continue talking.  Which would have been fine if left at that.  However, she proceeded to criticize me.  I'm like I didn't ask your take, opinion or advice and I haven't told you what to think.  Now, I can take constructive criticism, but not that which is used as a pretense to shut me out and make yourself feel better about tossing me aside, especially when I've been nothing but nice to you.

Anyway, she was like 'blah, blah, blah'  and finished it up by saying have a blessed day--acting all pious.  This happened back and forth for a little bit.   Like I said, I told her "I don't remember requesting/requiring your opinion."  Apparently she didn't like that and was like 'blah blah blah'.  I finally got irritated and said, "Are you finished now, so I can get back to what I was doing?"  That shut her up.  I was never prouder of myself.  I basically told her in no uncertain terms, I didn't need her and that she'd be doing a favor by leaving me alone.  I didn't attack her, but I essentially told her that she has no right trying to take me down to make herself feel better.  Like I said I am open to criticism, but not that which is used to try to make you feel better about yourself.

I guess the takeaway is this if you are in a relationship and it doesn't work out and the person hasn't changed or hasn't gone out of the way to hide who they really are, then there is no shame in just ending it and saying, "We weren't right for each other".  There is no shame in admitting that maybe I didn't see these characteristics I don't like, but that doesn't make him/her a bad person, nor does it make me a fool.  In such a situation, where the shame comes in when you have to attempt to destroy or undermine the other person to sooth your hurt ego.

Anyway, I love my beautiful now-wife & she is flawless, haha.  No, what I love is her soul & I know she like the rest of the world doesn't have to be perfect, I love and accept her for who she is.  That's where the women in the audience say, "Awww"


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