Considering others, but answering only to my Higher Power (God)

The 'wisdom' of years & experience can be a double-edge sword in terms of perspective.   You can be so tied to the 'old order of things'--not realizing for example that Separate But Equal is really Separate and Inherently Unequal.  You are so tied to the old order of things that when the enlightenment plane comes along, you don't think it is your flight.   In reality, though the destination had changed, it was still the flight you needed to take.  On the other hand, as a seasoned 'flyer' in life's journey you have seen flights diverted, delayed or cancelled (rhetorically) and you know life like flights change.  Even if you don't totally recognize or understand the change, you at least recognize the need to adjust.

As I am fast approaching the mid-century mark in my life, I can see some of the old ways of counseling and behavioral medicine completely missed the mark.  Kids with autism and other spectrum related disorders were labeled as 'problem kids' and not always given the help and guidance needed. Instead, they were labeled as troubled kids in some cases.  On the other hand, I can see that sometimes in today's society pushed parents to 'relate to' and 'understand' their children more.  While it is important to know your children and be able to explain in ways they understand, sometimes we just have to be the parents.   That is to say, we have to guide and discipline them based on what will need as they travel from childhood to adulthood vs. what they are willing to readily accept.

----

Speaking of wisdom of years and experience, it has changed it has changed the way I relate to people and whom I 'seek approval' from.  When I was in my teens and twenties, I had opinions but didn't always have the confidence that goes along with age and experience.  I tended to defer to 'grownups' (aka parental figures and older folks) more.   As I've gotten older, I realize that I've learned things along the way, gathered experience and that not everything is as it is portrayed, including in politics.

Everyone wants to have their take accepted to varying degrees.  Some people seem to need a constant feedback of praise or validation, while others seem to measure their take against a principle or set of principles.

For what it's worth, here is my take:

• The take of others has to be considered. 
• Someone who has devoted time/service to their country--sometimes at great cost--is someone who has earned a right to be heard and considered.
• Similar people in a place of authority.
• Your spouse and kids, whom are affected by your decisions need to be taken into account when you make a big decision.  For example, can't just accept a job out of town without consulting them and expect them to go along without any chance of resistance. 
• A friend or family member who has observed you for years often can give you an outsider's perspective from someone who you'd expect to have your best interests in mind.
• More often we are able to discern their motive or perspective and assess where it is coming from--a selfless place, a mixed motive place or a selfish place.
• Ultimately, I have to measure my decisions/choices against that of my Higher Power (aka God).
• As His child, I know He sees and knows things about me which no one could possibly.
• As His child, I know He created me in His own image and therefore wants what is best for me.
• As His child, I know He wants me to trust His divine judgment.
• As His child, I know He has put forward principles in my life (Ten Commandments/The Golden Rule/Proverbs/etc) for my enlightenment and wisdom.
• I know He didn't shape me to be one of a mass produced robots.
• He shaped me individually with my individual talents/strengths.
• He shaped me with free will.  He wants to be appreciated by His children, but He wants it come honestly I believe.
• He saw that 'man' cannot live an island.  We are social creatures and need the company/companionship of others in our lives.  Obviously, we have to take into account their needs too. 
• While we aren't an island, we can't just put the 'need' for acceptance from others above His eternal wisdom ('rules') and his knowledge what is best for us.

I have had family and friends who have properly thought--or occasionally rationalized to themselves--that they were advising me in what they saw as 'my best interests'.   Usually, it is, but it hasn't necessarily always been.  Sometimes the advice is welcomed, sometimes it is not, but regardless I have always felt it best that it is best that either way, I have to do what I understand is best in His eyes.  That is, not just what I can rationalize that He would 'accept', but what I can back up with my knowledge of His word and discern with His guidance through prayer and meditation.   There is a time for quietly listening to the guidance of others and there is a time for letting others know that their guidance is not helpful, but it is always the right time to seek out and follow His guidance.

Throwing mud at the good only makes it muddy, not destroyed.

I don't know if it's a guy thing, it's a humility thing, a self-negating thing,  an escape thing or what.  But I was talking to a friend about a sentimental feeling--something like am a good dad or similar--and I found myself shifting gear in the conversation.  It was a guy friend and the subject matter was personal, so I to 'undignify' the conversation a bit by saying something goofy. It dawned on me that I was throwing mud at the conversation/subject matter in an attempt to minimize it.

In society, we will always have people that are egotistical and self-promoting (beyond what their job requires), but there will always be a segment of society which strikes a pose that could be seen as humble.  We see in everyday life, heroes dismissing their bravery, grown-ups dismissing their positive impact on kids, friends dismissing the nice things they do for others, people soft-pedaling their birthday, men not showing or owning their soft side, etc.  I will take a moment to focus on the why of it, but I did want to address what it means to throw mud at the 'good' and how it doesn't change it.

So, why do we try to dismiss, minimize or negate the good we do or feel?   I've got a few thoughts on it.

• We have been taught not to 'brag' about our goodness.  Our parents, ministers, coaches, etc. have imparted in us that our nature should be evident and that to self-promote is unseemly and not proper.
• Types of goodness.
• The good things we do such as volunteering our time and money.
• The the kindness/good evident in our nature such as comforting others.
• Verses/quotes which reflect this idea.
• Proverbs 27:2 Let someone else praise you, and not your own mouth; an outsider, and not your own lips.
• Matthew 6:2 "So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.
• "Good deeds should be done with the right intention, not for attention - Sayed Hadi Qazwini
• We don't like the attention of being 'praised'. 
• Some people are just humble.  
• Some people just are uncomfortable with the positive spotlight and would rather live in the shadows trying to do the right things.
• We can be self-negating and recognizing our goodness gets in the way.
• This can look like modesty (humility), but it really is not allowing ourselves to be framed positively.
• This can reflect a general low sense of self-worth.  If you don't necessarily feel good about yourself, there is no space for recognizing or allowing others to recognize your inherent goodness.
• We can feel vulnerable.
• We don't want to acknowledge ourselves too much.  I've said to others, "You're a good person, but I won't let anyone know."  The less others know about us, including the good, the less we are known, and therefore potentially vulnerable.
• If we accept others noting our good side, potentially we are implying permission for them to note our flaws as well.

So, how do we throw mud on the good?

• Minimized the good we have done.
• We say things like anyone in my situation would have done the same.
• If I hadn't jumped to help, someone else would have.
• We say deflect credit for good deeds to others.
• I'm just trying to help, but so and so deserves the real credit.
• We minimize the kindness we've shown. 
• I was just paying for the kindness shown to me.
• We deflect from showing positive sentiment. 
• Sometimes I'm an okay person.
• Maximize our flaws.
• I've made mistakes and I'm just trying to do good these days to make up for it.
• I've been insensitive to others and I'm just trying to correct that.
• I've lived a rough life and I'm just trying these days to do the right thing.

I've said before I think there are few completely selfish people and even fewer truly evil people in the world.  I think most people have a good side and a bad side.  Most people have the mind to do good things or bad things given the right or wrong stimulus.  Obviously, some are more inclined to do good than others, but still.   No matter what negative in our lives, it doesn't negate the positives.  We can throw all the mud we want on the good about us, but it doesn't negate it.  It can deflect others from seeing it or openly acknowledging the good, it can help us dismiss the good, but at the end of the day our good still remains.  Just as with our flaws, properly recognizing the good is important to mental and spiritual health.

Just some observations.

Timing Timing Timing

A funny thing happened on the way to heaven recently.  I went to a graveside memorial to support a long-time friend  I didn't know his mom well, but you know memorials are as much for the living as the deceased.  Anyway, I was warned that with the recent rains that the ground could be a bit sloppy and that you might want to wear tennis shoes or boots.  Anyway, I didn't hear that until after I wore my nice black Izod dress shoes to work.  I couldn't stop back at home, so I did the next best thing--looked for a place with inexpensive shoes on the way there.  I ended up stopping at a Goodwill store and buying some plain back dress shoes that were a little wide.  They weren't that expensive and they weren't as fancy as my Izod shoes, so I wouldn't be too annoyed if they got messy or ruined..  As it turned out,  I would have been fine with my original shoes, so I felt like I wasted money.

However, timing is a funny thing.  A week or so later, I went to a Cardinals game in which my daughter sang "Take me out to the ballgame" during the 7th inning stretch.   On the way back to the parking lot, I stepped off the sidewalk wrong, buckling my ankle underneath and collapsing my full body weight on it, like a sack of potatoes.  But, as luck would have it recently got the wider black dress shoes.  So, I was able to wear shoes with a swollen sprained ankle.  In other words, the timing of the seemingly unnecessary shoe purchase was perfect.  This gets me back to the larger point: Life is all about time.  

In life we can want to say or do something which is otherwise appropriate, but if said or done with the wrong timing it may not be for the best.  For example, right after your child trips and does a face-plant on the stairs and needs stitches would probably not be the best time to tell her that she needs to make sure her shoes are tied and to watch where she is going.  Likewise, telling a widowed friend they need to go out and meet people new people would be good advice, a couple years out, but a couple weeks out of losing their spouse, not so much.

I don't claim to be an expert on timing, but here are a few thoughts on the subject matter (when it relates to dealing with others).

• Sometimes there is never going to be good timing.  You risk being seen as wrong whenever you say or do what you need to.
• When telling a friend or loved one a hard truth, there is no getting around the fact that no matter when you say it, they may not take it well.  
•  If saying what you need to won't ever go down well, there is little point in waiting as you are just prolonging your tension and delaying the inevitable.
• Sometimes, a loved one is venting and they really aren't looking for a solution or being related to.  They just want to share their pain so they can process it.  Now, at a later point, they might be open to your input.  But, sometimes people don't want 'answers' or being 'related to'.  Sometimes they just want to be heard at the current time.
• This can be frustrating for the listener if they want to help or if they are tired of hearing complaining and no action.
• It isn't always immediately obvious that the one who is venting just wants to be heard.  So, it could be best to wait for a cue.

--

Looking for the right time to say or do what you need to ask the following questions:

• Is it really something that needs addressed or is it just something think you want to address.
• If I am venting to a friend about about being broke, I probably am just complaining.  I don't specifically expect the friend to loan me money or give me advice on how to avoid being broke in the future.  So, my friend might feel like he/she needs to give me advice or offer me money to 'fix' the situation, but I'm not really looking for that.
• If I twist my ankle severely, even  if I think it is not broken, I probably should get an X-Ray to be safe.
• Is there ever a good time for the action/words you 'need' to do or say?
• When a family is struggling with a chemical dependency or gambling, he or she may not be open to hearing how they are destroying themselves.  
• The reason interventions are so stressful is because the one being intervened for isn't exactly thinking that they want or need it.
• What are the possible cost of saying/doing it now?
• Losing or risking losing a relationship sooner.
• If you tell confront a loved one about their dependency sooner rather than waiting, you may also face a fallout sooner.
• Going with incomplete information and misreading the situation.
• After a particularly bad breakup, I may feel ready to date again soon.  However, it is possible that by waiting a little bit I'd see that maybe I'm not.
• What is the cost of delaying saying/doing it until later?
• You could come across as indecisive or unwilling to do what needs to be done.
• In a family, that could undermine your authority or your word.
• As a leader, that could give aid and comfort to our enemies.
• The situation you needed to address may have boiled over or reached a head.
• Your finances may have gone from difficult to completely unmanageable if you wait to address them.
• An addict you needed to confront may have overdosed while you pondered when the 'right' or 'best' time to confront them was. 
• What is the benefit of saying doing what you need to now vs. later?
• The weight or stress associated with making the decision will dissipate.  It might be replaced with the consequences of the decision, but at least the decision-making won't weigh on you. 
• The outcome or result of the decision often is clear sooner if you make the decision sooner.   Instead of guessing what will happen IF, you stand a better chance of knowing.

--

I'm not an expert on timing, but what has always helped me are these two things:

1. Collecting all the information I reasonably can about the decision--saying or doing what needs to be said/done--before I make the decision.   Read the situation as best as I can and when I think I have enough (or at least as much information as I can get), make the decision and don't look back.  
• It is easy to second guess when you have more information after the fact, but isn't helpful.
• Knowing I did the best with the information I had might not make me feel completely better, but at least I'll know I did all that I could.
2.  Taking myself out of the decision-making process as much as possible.
• What would I tell someone else to do or say in a given situation?
• Is my choice based on what is best, what I want or what will 'make me feel better'?
• Being aware of my measuring stick--in the eyes of my Higher Power...
• Sure, I could try to help my child in all situations, but sometimes it is best as painful as it is, to allow him/her to make the mistakes.
• Sure, I could offer someone advice in a given situation, but there is a good chance that he/she might just want to be heard.
• What does my gut tell me.  Not how I feel, but what I know to be the case.

While I feel like the phrase--timing is everything--is overused.  In may cases, it is either significant or it is everything.  If we are better aware of when timing is important I think we will make better choices.

Just some thoughts.

-- Rich

I haven't got time for the pain or do I?

I recently went to a ballgame in which my daughter's choir sang: "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" for the seventh inning stretch.  It was a very cool thing to watch for a parent.  I was very proud of her.  Anyway, after all the fun and games so to speak, we left the Stadium and headed towards the car.  On the way to the parking lot, I stepped off a curb the wrong way, twisting my ankle with the weight of my body collapsing on top of it.  Besides being a bit humiliated, I was a injured and was in pain.  I still am having pain with it about a few weeks later as I severely sprained my ankle.

This whole incident and the inconvenience it caused kind of gave me the blues over the next few days.  Anyway, my wife and I had a discussion on dealing with adversity and she indicated that she does what needs done even when upsetting/depressing things happening to or around her. In other words, she can't afford to let things keep her mood down.  Like I said and I was feeling bluesy and probably a bit misunderstood and said to her, "People have time for depression?"  I wasn't trying to shame her or make her feel bad, but to express that yes we indeed can exercise control over how we deal with bad things, it is not always complete control.  

Sometimes,...

• A situation in our life can be so upsetting that despite our best efforts to "soldier on", we have to take the time and give the wound a chance to heal before we go back into the daily grind.
• We have face so much trauma over time that what seems like a small setback can just feel like piling on of woes and therefore can be disabling.
• We are just having a bad day already and what we could brush off yesterday is something that we struggle with doing so today.
• We have a family history of 'behavioral health' issues or problems

In other words, sometimes our spirit dictates to us what we can handle, not what we think we should be able to 'deal with'.

People say God will not allow more in our lives than we can bear in referencing the following:

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

When relating this adversity, people take this to mean that God will not allow you more to happen to you than you can handle with idea of handling means "just dealing with it".

I think the problem lies in people's interpretation of it.  Handling or 'enduring' doesn't always mean just pushing the problem (pain) aside and soldiering on.  Sometimes, it means taking a break, taking a nap, stepping away or retrenching such that we can recover.  

I think,...

• Provided we aren't invested in a lifetime pass to a pity party and want to move forward in our lives.
• Provided we don't have a nervous breakdown when we stub a toe or a similar overreaction.
• Provided that deep down inside we are committed to moving forward and haven't just given up 

That we should be accept that sometimes we or those around us do need to make or allow "time for the pain".  If there is anything I've learned, it's this:  Feelings denied, suppressed or otherwise minimized don't go away, but instead can metastasize into something far worse or destructive.   So, be kind to yourself.  Don't sit around and expect life's hurts and problems just to go away as you rock your life away, but don't ignore them always pushing forward and pretending like they don't exist either. 

Stop lights versus flashing yellow lights

Time and time again when I've run across (and gotten to know) people who have engaged in or are engaging in 'reckless' or 'destructive' behavior, I've discovered, learned or been told that they have been the subject of a significant trauma in their life.

I've known alcoholics and drug addicts who were abused (sexual and otherwise) at a young age, I've run across others who unexpectedly lost a close family member at a young age and have struggled.  I myself was sexually abused at a young age and at times made poor decisions likely tying back to that.  But I digress.  A friend of mine explained in simple terms what animates such a person.   Stop signs (lights) vs. a flashing yellow light.

Imagine being at a busy intersection and running into a stop light.  Well, unless we want to risk a ticket and/or an accident, we will almost always stop and wait for the light to turn green before we proceed.  Now imagine that intersection having a flashing yellow light--which means proceed with caution.  Most of the time we will proceed with caution, but there will be that time or two in which our impatience at the seeming endless procession of traffic will eventually wear our patience thin such that we 'just go' and in the process cut off someone (and occasionally cause an accident).   If shown a video of what happened we may be shocked at our behavior, but at the time the other cars seemed 'far enough away'.  In short, something in our mind and heart disabled usually good judgment.  Now to the person behind us who by virtue of their position realizes that he or she isn't going anyway, our poor judgment seems puzzling.   He or she wasn't quite in our shoes as he/she didn't have to make the turning decision yet. To him or her, how could we have missed the obvious traffic that was approaching us as we were deciding make the turn.  In short, our poor decision-making seems puzzling as it was 'obvious' to them that we shouldn't turn at that point.

In a way, that sort of describes those with hangups, addictions, and addictive tendencies.  To those around them: Isn't the destructive nature of an addict's behavior obvious?   I mean anyone can see that it is foolishness to cash your paycheck and head to the casino.  It's foolishness and dangerous to risk injecting or snorting that dose of heroine.  It's ridiculousness to go to the strip club and give away our hard earned money to the dancer who shows positive attention (at a price).   I believe many people with hangups like these at one point did see a stop sign (light) when hearing about or thinking about that type of destructive behavior.  But, imagine an unimaginable: Your life being turned on its head by a harsh or unexpected trauma.  While, we'd all like to think that after facing tragedy or traumas that we'd keep our wits, our good judgment, our wisdom, the truth is we can't really say for sure until we are in the situation. 

Imagine being a kid or a young adult if our parent(s) do(es) all the right things to be stay healthy, but end up being struck down tragically by sudden illness or an accident.  While we might not say it, but in the back of our mind, we are likely to think, wow, why bother taking care of yourself as you could end up just like them. 

OR

Imagine being taken advantage by ones you are taught to trust as a kid.  After that, it could be hard to believe that those who are supposed to have our best interest in mind actually do.  

In a way, instead of the distinct decisiveness and firmness of a stop light, such events could lead us to question the stop light, maybe if it is truly even there.  Such events could cause us to see the stop light as more of a proceed with caution or flashing yellow light.  In a way, such events could cause us to question what is passed off a given.  In a way, such events could cause us to wonder if making the choice we are expected to (waiting for the light to turn) will matter anyway.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share what someone told me once and how I received it.  I'm hoping that others might take a little of what I share and find it useful.  But, either way, I march on with my blog.

-- Rich

To Share or Not to Share, That is the Question

I've noticed with my cat Simon that when he is afraid, he burrows.  For example, if he is going to the vet, he'll burrow as deeply as he can into his kennel or the arms of someone who is holding him.  It's actually a bit heartbreaking.  Seeing him that scared makes us feel for him.  I've had to transport him a number of times and without fail the journey upsets and scares him.  In a way, Simon is trying desperately to find his secret safe space where he can hide from the upsetting journey.

As kids, when our parents fight we tend to find a spot to hide out (or burrow) to weather the storm.  I remember when I was a kid hearing my parents fight and I would just be glad when it calmed down or someone left, whether it was to go to work or to just go somewhere else.  As a kid, I was dependent or reliant on my parents and as such I couldn't just run away to avoid the fighting.  So, I tried to find a space as far from the drama as I could.  As an adult, we call spaces where we try to shut the world out our bachelor or bachelorette pad or our man cave or she shed.    

As I've gotten older I realize that hiding or burrow away or not just a physical phenomenon, but a psychological one as well.  Sometimes, 'hiding or burrowing' is keeping our thoughts or feelings close to the vest for fear of upsetting the apple cart or upset the calm.    Now, I've never been of the philosophy that we should share all our thoughts in a stream of conscience way.   Whether we like it or not we are a fallen creation and are subject to rude or devious thoughts from time to time.  As such, some degree of discretion in expressing our thoughts is very useful in dealing with others.   But, I'm not necessarily talking about that extreme.  I'm talking about 'secrets' (that is our secret thoughts).   


Sometimes keeping 'secret' our thoughts is not a bad things.  

• Doing so can prevent us from saying harmful/hurtful things before we've had a chance to fully digest and process. 
• Doing so can prevent us from unnecessarily creating or having to deal with conflict.
• Doing so can give us time to cool down before we say something that we can't easily take back.
• Doing so can avoid subjecting ourselves to hurt from those whom don't necessarily have our best interests in mind.

However, sometimes keeping 'secret' our thoughts IS a bad thing.

• It doesn't give others a chance to know or understand us.
• It can be a way of putting off necessary, but uncomfortable discussions/hashing out.
• It can be a way of blocking healing.
• It can be a way of not giving us a chance to know others thoughts, feelings, or intents and/or possible friendships.

I guess ultimately when debating whether to share our 'secrets' we have to consider the following:

• Are we bottling up our thoughts in an unhealthy way which will lead to an eventually 'explosion' or 'crack-up'.
• If so should we share the thoughts.
• If so should we find another healthy outlet to express them or at least remove negative energy that they cause.
• If so should we share them with the understanding that you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelette. 
• Are we using discretion or just using the idea of 'discretion' as an excuse to avoid saying what we should.
• Do our 'secret' thoughts, if shared liberally, add to or detract from healthy relationships.
• Initially, they may or may not cause a disruption.
• If there is an initial disruption as a result of sharing our secrets, will it ultimately create the space in which a healthier relationship is possible.

I'll be the first one to say that I don't always know when to open up and share my 'hidden' or secret thoughts and when it is best to realize discretion is the better part of valor.   Just some food for thoughts and questions to ponder when pondering about our 'secret' or hidden thoughts....

Dread of getting older is dread of next day on steroids

I remember as a kid (or even as an adult), if I had a big day at school, a big race to run or a big meeting/deadline to meet and I didn't feel fully prepared or ready, I wouldn't want to go to sleep the night before.  Usually, I'd be thrust into dealing the dreaded situation shortly into the next day.  It was almost as if by staying awake later I could somehow avoid the having to 'face the music'.  Now my rational side told me that I couldn't hold off the next day and what it might hold.  Fighting it--sleep--could even leave me less alert and prepared for the next day.  I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this point.

However, it occurred to me recently that to the dread of getting older kind of mirrors that dread of the next day.  Only it is a more drawn out and in some cases more draining version of it.  I think in some cases it leads to people trying to stay young (keep the next days/months/years away). As my first blog in a good while I will keep this one short.



(POSSIBLE ISSUES WHICH MAKE US) DREAD OF GETTING OLDER

• I don't want to face health issues that are in store for me.
• I don't want to face the more common daily aches and pains and slower recover that is in store for me.
• I don't want to be unsuccessful/irrelevant/out of touch.
• I don't want to face my kids having to grow up.
• I don't want to face the inevitably of my passing.
• I don't want the memories of my youth and the good feelings to fade into the nothingness.

HOW WE DEAL WITH DREAD OF GETTING OLDER

• Pretend to be younger (examples)
• Buy a sports car and power through a drive that makes us feel alive.
• Getting involved with younger people (not always appropriately) in an attempt feel like we are still relevant, likable or desirable.
• Try to actually be younger (examples)
• Get plastic surgery
• Get hair plugs
• Work out like the devil himself is chasing us.  
• 'Improve' your diet in an extreme way.
• Crawl under a rock or sit down in the rocking chair awaiting inevitable aging.
• Appreciate the joys and benefits that you enjoyed in your younger years and realize that there are positives to getting older.

I don't want to end this on a 'dreadful note'.  So, I will make a list of the possible benefits of getting older as I close it out.

POSSIBLE BENEFITS OF GETTING OLDER

• Wisdom.  A lifetime of knowledge and experience helps us to see things more clearly and potentially make better decisions.
• Confidence.  Having faced many experiences and trials and having had time to see things for how they are, if we allow it, we can gain a confidence in our wisdom.
• Success in parenting.  Seeing our kids successfully mold into productive members of society.
• Achievements.  If we work hard in our youth, we can have a number of positive achievements to look back on.

I was heard a song from ABBA the other day.   I've always thought of the song from the perspective of the young girl.  But, this time I thought of it from the narrator.  In the song, the narrator, was speaking glowingly about a young girl who was having the time of her life on the dance floor.  As you might realize, I'm talking about Dancing Queen.  Anyway, it got me to thinking about getting older and looking back on youth feeling like I was drifting far from it.  Anyway, just an aside.

Hope you liked this post.

- Rich

Control Freaks: Top down vs. bottom up.

My wife and I were talking about control freaks we've had in our lives.  A common refrain I've heard about controlling people is that they to try to control out of fear.  I think there is a large element of truth to that, but I don't necessarily think that all people try to control out of fear or if they do not necessarily do it all the time.  I think some people tend to be controlling because 'they can'.  That is they like the power of being able to 'control' others.  So, it occurred to me how could I differentiate the two?  What I came up with is a concept of top down vs. bottom up.  So, here is my concepts for what it is worth.

TOP DOWN Controller (Macro)

• They may start to exhibit their controlling behavior out of fear, but ultimately when they have gained power, it is to keep or expand their power.
• Look to control for power, to dominate others.
• Have a greater likelihood of being a megalomaniac.
• Often clothe their 'need' for controlling others in being interested in the welfare of others.
• Even while expressing their concern for the welfare of others, they themselves seem to find a way to benefit nicely from their use of power.
• Have a super-sized ego.
• Have the sense that only they know what is best.
• Consider themselves as great or greater than their message.  In other words, not only do I know better, but I'm also tend to be the best (or only one) to implement what I think is best for everyone.
• The ends justify the means in many cases.  In other words, while I am not necessarily authorized to exert the power I am--and in some cases it is unethical--I am justified in exerting the power for the 'good of everyone'.  In other words, there is an element of malevolence to their attempts to control, even if they don't recognize it.
• Control over others tends to be more global rather than situation specific.

BOTTOM UP Controller (Micro)

• Tend to control out of fear, rather than a secret need for power.
• If I don't do this myself it won't get done (and it may reflect poorly on me).
• Yielding too much control can or will make me vulnerable.
• Not necessarily addicted to generalized power.  Tend to seek control over certain people in certain circumstances. 
• May have a certain arrogance in their area of control (I know better), but their control is as much to seek some or self-protection (or those they are charged with).
• Would tend to have an ability to give up control in areas that they don't care too much about or where they feel reasonable secure.  

--

I think everyone seeks some level of control in their life.  I think it's common to see oneself as not being controlling at all, but I believe that most people exhibit a certain desire/need to control people and circumstances in their life.  In my opinion, where the need for control becomes a problem is:

• It interferes with a healthy and respectful relationship with others around you.  That is to say there seems to be a need to step on someone's toes because a) a lack of trusting the other to do the right, proper or effective thing b) "knowing" that you can do whatever needs to be done right.
• It results in a loss of appropriate freedom and liberty for others.

There are places in life however where control is appropriate and appropriately deferred (and placed in the hand of others):

•  Adolescents necessarily would tend to have to earn 'control' with responsibility, ultimately deferring control or decision-making to their parents.
• Students control to the teachers/staff in adolescences and adulthood defer a lessor degree of control to their professors.
• Subordinates, especially as it relates to their employment, would tend to have to defer control or decision-making to their bosses.  Similar dynamic with subordinates deferring control to their leaders in the military.

But I digress, even in those cases authority is usually earned.

I don't have a big overarching conclusion to this blog.  I would say though that is important to exercise control judiciously where it is given/earned/expected, be willing to defer control where it is appropriate or helpful, and always to remember that control is as much a responsibility as a privilege.  It shouldn't be taken lightly and if if mishandled can be subject to being taken away.  That being said, I'm deferring control of the words of this blog post to my readers to be used as is beneficial in their lives.

Thanks,

Rich

Truth is truth regardless of who believes it...

I get the feeling that I have written about this before, but perhaps it isn't a bad thing revisiting it.  Anyway as I have indicated, I am very weary of writing blog posts which could be construed as too political.  I have my political takes and I sometimes express them in other forums and sometimes express them to people in over the phone or in-person discussions, however, I am very wary of expressing in this blog.  Politics has a way of dividing people that in many cases would willing to listen to you otherwise.  This blog has never been meant to be about politics, but instead a searching personal study on aspects of human nature and feelings, including those of addiction, codepedence and the like.  This specific post is meant to be to some extent a push-back on a culture of conventional wisdom and a realization that the truth is out there and it will be what it is regardless of how widely it is embraced or not.   We just have to be brave enough and put down our preconceived notions long enough to accept it, especially when it goes against all that we've been tough.

As a teenager I struggled with my faith.  One part of my struggle was seeing others portray themselves as pious Christians. yet from what I saw, their actions did not match their words/portrayal.  For example, I would hear other teens (and adults) express their faith publicly, but when in smaller groups or around others they'd engage in gossip/speech that differed little behaviorally from the 'secular'.  In other words, instead of setting themselves apart and leading by example, they were followers of 'worldly'.  Also, I was very awkward as a teenager and the Christian faith as I understood (and understand) it encourages us to love our neighbors and to embrace those the 'throwaways', the 'unpopular', the 'forgotten'.   More often than not, I didn't feel that I was accepted by even the "Christians" community.  Since then I've come to the understanding and acceptance that just because you have a faith doesn't mean that you are a) immune to secular influences or b) that you are fully mature in your faith (especially in the teenage years).  I was focused on their failing and how it made me feel.

A funny thing happened on the way to heaven (as I like to say).  I had an epiphany one day--on my road to Damascus.  It came in the form of a simple math equation.  Namely that 1 + 1 = 2, regardless of who does the equation or whether or not the person behaves as if it is.  In other words,

• If you purchased two items at the dollar store, the cost will be $2.  
• It doesn't matter if the you give the clerk $3 dollars and walk off thinking you've paid him/her the right amount.  
• It doesn't matter whether the clerk demands $3 for $2 worth of goods.  Either way the cost is $2.  
• Likewise, it doesn't matter if others around you who claim to be of your faith live as if they believe the articles of faith.  The faith will be true (or not true) independent of who actually shows fidelity to it.  God existence for example, is not dependent on who accepts it.
• A bitterly cold day is bitterly cold regardless of how much you wish it were otherwise.
• And so on...

Some things are just true because they are true.  No amount of wishing or thinking otherwise changes them.  Life is full of shades of grey, but not everything is a shade of grey.  Paradoxically, that is a form of black and white thinking. See: Sometimes black and white (either/or) thinking is good. Avoiding it can be itself black and white thinking.  Obviously in life it is important not to be too rigid in your thinking that you miss the obvious that is outside of your viewpoint.   However, it is just as important to be willing to accept truths and stick to them regardless of how much support you have in expressing or holding them.

So, let's all have civil discussions on issues of the day, but be willing to listen to a point of view that is contrary to yours.  However, if the truth of one of your viewpoints is utterly clear and provable, stick to your guns, do not be bullied into questioning, disowning or disposing of that viewpoint. 

Thoughts for a new year...

-- Rich

Accepting a Serving of Pie = Providing a Serving of Love

Christmas at my mom's house was always interesting.  She'd get gifts she thought were cool (even if we didn't need them or it wasn't our cup of tea.  We'd sometimes trade some of our gifts among each other until we got what we thought were the best gifts for each of us.  She'd always cook a lot of food and without fail she'd encourage us to take plenty home.  Sometimes we weren't in the mood to have ham, pie or casserole for days, but we saw how important it was to her.  So, we'd take it home and eat as much as we reasonably could over the next few days before we got sick of it or it just got too old.  After about a week, the guilt of throwing away the excess food that we couldn't eat anymore of (or that had gone bad) would have been assuaged and we could go on with our lives.

Looking back it was a little sad, but it was kind of funny.

My mom wanted to be loved.  She wanted to feel useful.  She wanted to feel important.  She wanted to know she mattered to her kids.  I think in most cases among her kids, these things were true, even if she wasn't always sure of it.  It was like a little dance in a way.

I get you many affordable trinkets of my love--some really needed and others not so much--and I hope think well of me.  I feed you and provide you all the food you'd ever want and remember that I love you (and hope you feel the same way too).

I learned a valuable lesson from her.  Love doesn't have to be perfect, love can be a little needy, love can hope it is returned, but the main thing is the person providing it is trying.  They sincerely want to share it with you.  In and of itself there is immense value in that.  If someone treats you with warmth and kindness and tries to be there for you, does it really matter if it isn't always 100% on the mark or part of the motive for it could be hoping to get a little back?  Sometimes showing love is accepting that token, that attempt, that (sometimes imperfect) effort the other is showing you.  Sure, I may have not needed that piece of pie or leftover pie or helpings of turkey, but how hard is it to put away my pride or put away my "oh you really didn't have to do that" or  my "I can't take all this home" How hard is it to accept the 'serving of pie', the gift of love?

God blesses us with people in our lives, people that are willing to make that extra effort to show us warmth, even if sometimes their desire to be loved or appreciated may seem over the top, I think it is important to be grateful for them and love them and show love to them for whom they are.  They may embarrass you at times, but dammit they are sometimes the sweetest people.  

As you might sense, this post actually hurts a bit to write.  I was blessed with a sweet mom who put up with my flaws and idiosyncrasies and all she asked was for a little bit of love in return.  God blessed me with a realization of this as I worked my way from young adulthood to "middle-aged".

I love you and miss you mom.  I wish I could have slowed down and spent more time with you (Even if by phone).  When given the gift of leftover turkey or pie, I will gladly take it home in your honor.

- Rich

(My mom passed away July 6th, 2014 to be at eternal peace with her Higher Power-God)

I won't tell no one your name: Being a True Friend

With Christmas Season (2017) in full swing, I was feeling this message about love and trying to be there for others,  Anyway, I tend to like music with a message, with feel, with meaning.  I guess that's why I like the song  "Grease".  ;-)  Comic relief aside, I was listening to one of my favorite songs from the 1990s: The Goo Goo Dolls' "Name".  I read some of the lyrics below and the take immediately following it on Lyrics Interpretations:

"Its lonely where you are, come back down, and I won't tell 'em your name" 

The take 

"This place you are in mentally/spiritually/emotionally is lonely, you guard yourself from reality and alienate yourself from those who care about you. Come back to reality, let go of your pride and embrace your shortcomings so you can heal. I won't expose, exploit or otherwise hurt you."

Songs (which many can be considered poetry) often have a way of expressing a complex idea in a couple phrases.

Sometimes we aren't in the best place. Sometimes we want to come to reconnect, but "we don't know how".  Sometimes we want to reconnect but we don't feel that it is safe to try.  Sometimes the hurt--or perceived risk of it--that comes from making ourselves vulnerable keeps from engaging those who care about us.  We really want to open up, but like an animal who is out of its usual surroundings we have to get a sense that it is safe before we venture too far out (emotionally).

The holidays are time in which we get the opportunity to connect with the ones we love.  However, for many people it is a time of loneliness or hurt.  

• Feeling the loss more acutely of those close to us whom have passed.
• Feeling the lack of a close knit family.
• In a new situation or surrounding in which our routine has been interrupted (temporarily or permanently).

Whatever the cause, the holidays can be a time of hurt for some.  Ultimately healing is journey in which we have to find our way.  However, having those close to us can guide or at least walk along with us in our journey.  Sometimes all we need is someone who will listen to us without judgment, but instead with love.  We all have been there (or will be there) sometime in our life.   For those with an abundance of serenity, we can't necessarily, nor is it our job to 'fix' love ones around us.  However, what we can offer is love--in the form of being there for others who are hurting.  It can be a family member, a friend, a coworker, a member of one of our groups, or frankly it can be the stranger in line at the store who looks like they could use a friendly ear.

We can give CDs, electronics, gift cards, clothes, etc.  However, the best gift we can ever give to others is sometimes just our empathy and willingness to be there even when our heart may not totally be into it.

So, as we are serving a slice of turkey, a slice of desert or slice of toasted bread, consider also serving a slice of love to those whom we are blessed with the opportunity to be a blessing to.  Listen with empathy, listen with compassion, listen without judgment, but most of all, listen with love.

May God bless your Christmas season this year.

-- Rich

Demons Part 4: No matter where you go, you will always be with you...

Recently I was listening to "My Eyes Adored You" by Frankie Valli and it got me to thinking.  In this song, over time, he sings of a lady friend whom he has loved literally since he was a kid.  Even though she never returned his love, it still remained in his heart no matter where he was, how long it had been, and no matter what he did.  In short, that was his cross to bear.  One could say perhaps it was his demon as there was no escaping his unrequited love for his lady friend.  With my birthday coming up soon, I thought this blog idea (and quote) was quite appropriate.

I've come to realize that everyone in this life has their cross to bear--for some it is a physical cross, for other it is psychological.  Sometimes that cross to bear feels like a demon.  The funny thing about personal demons is that you can't outrun them.  You can try to hide from them, you can try to ignore them, you can try to 'medicate' them away, but unless you've dealt with them, they will be there wehn you 'finish the day'.  I'm not sure who quoted it first, but as a wise man once said, "Wherever you go, there you are".

One of my favorite Bible stories is that of Jonah and the Whale.  In that story, the Lord spoke to his servant Jonah and told him to go to Nineveh and preach to the Ninevites.   They needed to repent of their sins lest they faith His wrath and be destroyed.  Well Jonah didn't particularly like the people of Nineveh as they were enemies of Israel.  So, he was fine with the Lord destroying them and therefore tried to run from obligations.  Naturally, the Lord being the Lord, He wasn't going to just sit idly by while His servant Jonah disrespected His will.  So, when Jonah caught a ship going the other way, the Lord sent a great storm that way.  Jonah was then awoken by the ship's captain and implored to call upon God to calm the storm.  Soon thereafter, the ship's population cast lots and determined that it was Jonah who had brought the trouble with him.  Jonah realized at this point what he needed to do to save the ship and its crew.  After some resistance from them, Jonah convinced the crew to toss him overboard to calm God.  Eventually they did and immediately thereafter the great storm had ceased, putting the fear of the Lord in all of them.  Anyway, Jonah was swallowed by a great whale and after three days in the whale, he cried up to God to spare him.  The Lord chose to spare him and the whale spat him on dry land.  When the Lord ordered Jonah to go to Nineveh again, Jonah took the hint and went there, upon which time the Ninevites repented of their sins and were spared.  In this story, Jonah was fortunate as his demon or cross that he had to bear was blatantly obvious: He had to help those whom he hated, no matter how much it upset him.   In our lives, the demons are not always so obvious and/or more not have a way to be (fully) resolved.  Yet,  even if we can't make a demon disappear, we can find a way to come to terms with it even while we work to lessen it.

Dealing with "Demons"

• Recognizing them
• Awareness of their existence.
• Awareness of what they are
• Awareness of what they aren't
• Accepting their existence.
• Accepting the full extent of them.
• Accepting whatever level of permanence they are at.
• Dealing with them
• Knowing what you can and should do to deal with them.
• Knowing what you can't or shouldn't do to deal with them.
• Coming to terms with them
• Accepting the aspects (of demons) that you can't change.
• Working to change the aspects that you can.
• Being wise enough to know which demons (or aspects thereof) you can change, which ones you cannot and being willing to accept the difference.

A personal example

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my biggest demons is sadness, specifically missing my daughter.  I have less than half time custody of her (and only half the holidays).  I've learned to deal, but I still cannot escape the sadness.  Sometimes I just have to be sad and maybe shed a few tears.  But, I know I can't just have her whenever I want.  I've accepted that I will have times in which I don't get to see her and I will be sad.  However, I know there are things I can do to maximize my time with her-including volunteering to coach, offering to watch her when her mom has late/early morning meetings, asking for days during the summer if/when her mom offers it.

I've recognized my demon--sadness due to loss of time with my daughter--and accepted it as part of who I am (a man who has strong feelings).   I've recognized what I can do to deal with the demon and what I cannot.  I'm also working to change the situation to the extent I can (and therefore reduce the loss of missing her).

Anyway, just my random musing the week.  Hopefully, you are able to retrieve something out of this post.

Cheers,

Rich


Other posts on demons:

Demons: Facing Demonsl

Demons, Part 2: Melancholy

Demons Part 3: 'Bloodletting' pain as a way of mourning