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Showing posts with label venting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label venting. Show all posts

Monday, April 30, 2018

Timing Timing Timing

A funny thing happened on the way to heaven recently.  I went to a graveside memorial to support a long-time friend  I didn't know his mom well, but you know memorials are as much for the living as the deceased.  Anyway, I was warned that with the recent rains that the ground could be a bit sloppy and that you might want to wear tennis shoes or boots.  Anyway, I didn't hear that until after I wore my nice black Izod dress shoes to work.  I couldn't stop back at home, so I did the next best thing--looked for a place with inexpensive shoes on the way there.  I ended up stopping at a Goodwill store and buying some plain back dress shoes that were a little wide.  They weren't that expensive and they weren't as fancy as my Izod shoes, so I wouldn't be too annoyed if they got messy or ruined..  As it turned out,  I would have been fine with my original shoes, so I felt like I wasted money.

However, timing is a funny thing.  A week or so later, I went to a Cardinals game in which my daughter sang "Take me out to the ballgame" during the 7th inning stretch.   On the way back to the parking lot, I stepped off the sidewalk wrong, buckling my ankle underneath and collapsing my full body weight on it, like a sack of potatoes.  But, as luck would have it recently got the wider black dress shoes.  So, I was able to wear shoes with a swollen sprained ankle.  In other words, the timing of the seemingly unnecessary shoe purchase was perfect.  This gets me back to the larger point: Life is all about time.  

In life we can want to say or do something which is otherwise appropriate, but if said or done with the wrong timing it may not be for the best.  For example, right after your child trips and does a face-plant on the stairs and needs stitches would probably not be the best time to tell her that she needs to make sure her shoes are tied and to watch where she is going.  Likewise, telling a widowed friend they need to go out and meet people new people would be good advice, a couple years out, but a couple weeks out of losing their spouse, not so much.

I don't claim to be an expert on timing, but here are a few thoughts on the subject matter (when it relates to dealing with others).
  • Sometimes there is never going to be good timing.  You risk being seen as wrong whenever you say or do what you need to.
    • When telling a friend or loved one a hard truth, there is no getting around the fact that no matter when you say it, they may not take it well.  
    •  If saying what you need to won't ever go down well, there is little point in waiting as you are just prolonging your tension and delaying the inevitable.
  • Sometimes, a loved one is venting and they really aren't looking for a solution or being related to.  They just want to share their pain so they can process it.  Now, at a later point, they might be open to your input.  But, sometimes people don't want 'answers' or being 'related to'.  Sometimes they just want to be heard at the current time.
    • This can be frustrating for the listener if they want to help or if they are tired of hearing complaining and no action.
    • It isn't always immediately obvious that the one who is venting just wants to be heard.  So, it could be best to wait for a cue.

--

Looking for the right time to say or do what you need to ask the following questions:
    • Is it really something that needs addressed or is it just something think you want to address.
      • If I am venting to a friend about about being broke, I probably am just complaining.  I don't specifically expect the friend to loan me money or give me advice on how to avoid being broke in the future.  So, my friend might feel like he/she needs to give me advice or offer me money to 'fix' the situation, but I'm not really looking for that.
      • If I twist my ankle severely, even  if I think it is not broken, I probably should get an X-Ray to be safe.
    • Is there ever a good time for the action/words you 'need' to do or say?
      • When a family is struggling with a chemical dependency or gambling, he or she may not be open to hearing how they are destroying themselves.  
      • The reason interventions are so stressful is because the one being intervened for isn't exactly thinking that they want or need it.
    • What are the possible cost of saying/doing it now?
      • Losing or risking losing a relationship sooner.
        • If you tell confront a loved one about their dependency sooner rather than waiting, you may also face a fallout sooner.
      • Going with incomplete information and misreading the situation.
        • After a particularly bad breakup, I may feel ready to date again soon.  However, it is possible that by waiting a little bit I'd see that maybe I'm not.
    • What is the cost of delaying saying/doing it until later?
      • You could come across as indecisive or unwilling to do what needs to be done.
        • In a family, that could undermine your authority or your word.
        • As a leader, that could give aid and comfort to our enemies.
      • The situation you needed to address may have boiled over or reached a head.
        • Your finances may have gone from difficult to completely unmanageable if you wait to address them.
        • An addict you needed to confront may have overdosed while you pondered when the 'right' or 'best' time to confront them was. 
    • What is the benefit of saying doing what you need to now vs. later?
      • The weight or stress associated with making the decision will dissipate.  It might be replaced with the consequences of the decision, but at least the decision-making won't weigh on you. 
      • The outcome or result of the decision often is clear sooner if you make the decision sooner.   Instead of guessing what will happen IF, you stand a better chance of knowing.

--

I'm not an expert on timing, but what has always helped me are these two things:
  1. Collecting all the information I reasonably can about the decision--saying or doing what needs to be said/done--before I make the decision.   Read the situation as best as I can and when I think I have enough (or at least as much information as I can get), make the decision and don't look back.  
    • It is easy to second guess when you have more information after the fact, but isn't helpful.
    • Knowing I did the best with the information I had might not make me feel completely better, but at least I'll know I did all that I could.
  2.  Taking myself out of the decision-making process as much as possible.
    • What would I tell someone else to do or say in a given situation?
    • Is my choice based on what is best, what I want or what will 'make me feel better'?
      • Being aware of my measuring stick--in the eyes of my Higher Power...
      • Sure, I could try to help my child in all situations, but sometimes it is best as painful as it is, to allow him/her to make the mistakes.
      • Sure, I could offer someone advice in a given situation, but there is a good chance that he/she might just want to be heard.
    • What does my gut tell me.  Not how I feel, but what I know to be the case.

While I feel like the phrase--timing is everything--is overused.  In may cases, it is either significant or it is everything.  If we are better aware of when timing is important I think we will make better choices.

Just some thoughts.

-- Rich


Wednesday, August 17, 2016

The insane voice, installment 4: Random bag of goodies...

I don't know if 'zany' or 'eccentric' thinking is a product of venting stress, of expressing existing insanity, shaking things up a little or expressing comic relief.  Either way, I think everyone has what I call an 'insane' voice.  Some just deny it, some suppress it, some let it out for a bit and then there are some that just live it-- the Robin Williams of the world, RIP.

In other case, it's time for another installment of "The insane voice".  In no particular order.
  • So, I was at QT the other day near my work and they got slammed around lunchtime.  I think their customers must have been making a little noise chatting it out in line because as I was checking out, a thought occurred to me.  Should I say to the clerk aloud where others could here it:  Did the local mental hospital just let out their patients out on a field trip?  But, I thought it wouldn't go over well and the good people of Alton might not see the humor.  
  • So, my daughter and I were driving along and we saw a person running.  I had this crazy idea.  What if Olivia and I turned the corner as quickly as we could stopped the car, got out and ran as fast as we could to catch up to her and I had Olivia say, "See I told you Dad, I knew we could catch up".  I'd have Olivia do the dirty work for better comic relief.  Meanwhile the runner would be like what the ..
  • You can take a horse to water, but you may drown it..
    • You can take a horse to water
    • And with enough manpower you can try to force him to drink
    • But, there's a very good chance you will drown it in in the process
    • And you will end up in jail for cruelty to animals.
      • Moral of the story: You may be able to pressure family or a friend to do something that they aren't ready for.  But, there's a good chances are it won't end up well for you or them.
  • Every notice that often times people as they pass through middle age, they start talking about dying and death a bit irrelevantly.  While death has a sense of humor--see the Darwin awards--death isn't phased by our mocking it.
  • I always advise friends when dealing with relationship problems or if they feel like they are always being singled out to just admit up front: I know I'm a bad person.  This will undermine your significant other's ability to blame or shame you.   If you are 'sincere' enough, your significant other may even actually stick up for you and tell you your good points.  
  •  As a parent who likes to prepare his child for handling emergency situations (and is aware that she hears enough of it at her mom's place, at school and sometimes at my place), it occurred to me some great advice to give her.  Somehow the topic came up of a fire somewhere.  So, with my keen insight, I asked he what would she do if her clothes caught on fire.   She said, "Stop, drop and roll".  I said, "Good".  I then asked her what we should do if we had a tire blow out on the road.  She wasn't sure what to say, so I told her: "Stop, drop and roll".  She looked at me like lost my mind.  After mentioning a few other scenarios, she caught on to my brilliant advice and each time said, "Stop, drop and roll".  I am so proud of my daughter <3 
  • As we all know, this election season has literally gone on forever and at times we all wonder, "wow out of over 300,000,000, this is the best we can do"?   Anyway, I thought, this hasn't exactly been the most honest campaign.   Then I had an epiphany.   Since, there is some question on the definition of "natural born citizen" and what not anyway,,why not just say forget it and let Julian Assange of WikiLeaks run for POTUS.  Since it seems like everyone and their brother and sister has declared at one time or another this campaign, since this campaign has been plagued by hostility by all parties and since we all question the honesty of the candidates, Assange would be great.  He'd make a perfect honesty and integrity candidate and we'd know we'd get the true story leaked out.  So, why not.
  •  On November 9th, I'm considering declaring my candidacy for the 2020 Presidential election, no matter who wins.  My theme: R.A. Shepard/2020 for President: For my amusement.  I figure when asked, candidates usually give some bogus, "Give back to the country", "Serve the nation", "Help others" or some other such answer.  We all know the real answer is: Because I love the power and perks of the office.  I'd just be cutting to the chase.  I will be running for the Presidency such that if elected I will run the office and use my authority to test whatever theory I want to out.  My plank will include:
    • Tenured professors at schools which receive government aid WILL BE REQUIRED to teach one whole semester wearing a jester hat.  Then at the end of the semester they will compare and contrast how well that semester went for their students vs. semesters that they did not have to.  
    • I will find some characteristic to discriminate on that isn't subject to anti-discriminatory laws and discriminate accordingly.   For example, I could have a test group of men with goatees and women with curly hair.  I could effectively push that those two groups get better treatment at tax time than all others.  I would then see how those that do not fall in those groups react.  Things I could survey for include:
      • How many not in the favored group would just take the abuse--I figure there are the self-loather subset. 
      • The percentage of the population that purposely grows goatees or curls their hair just to get the beneficial treatment.  
      •  I could then stretch out the absurd favoritism to see how much further I could manipulate the populace to more and more absurd ends to gain advantage.
      • How many times, a Congress critter talks about reaching across the aisle and/or refers to their fellow Congress critters as "my friend on the other side of the aisle".  Each time they are caught saying such cliched statements insincerely, they'd have power to their microphone be cut and they'd be sent to time out.  I'd be curious how long it would take for them to stop using insincere cliched statements.
    • Confer that future primaries for the parties submit to an American Gladiator type competition to see which of each of the parties was most "fit" to serve.
    • Require that all those who want to serve in my administration be required to sing one of the following songs when testifying before Congress to get my nomination (This would buy the country great comic relief and would show me who really, really wants to serve at 'all cost')
    • I'd the spirit of transparency.  I'd let the public know that I'd release the results of my survey findings in January 2024.  This would give the public plenty of time to decide if they want for more year of my "unique" Presidency or they wanted the usual boring political theater.
As time marches on and as we are becoming a more "blunt" and "outspoken" and "reality TV" and more bread and circus in our campaigns.  I figure the the country will be ripe for a truly "Reality Presidency".  

To my faithful audience thanks for your care and attention in reading my "insane thoughts".  Until next time.