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Sunday, May 21, 2017

The insane voice, installment 8: Certifiably nuts


I think I realize why when people turn old and start 'losing their mind' they say what appears to be inappropriate or off the wall stuff.  I think they secretly always had the crazy thoughts just wanting to be said, but were too appropriate or proper to say them.  As we know dementia and senility tend to destroy those filters.   I figure why wait until I'm old and they slip out due to me losing my mind?

So, here goes.  Another establishment of the "The Insane Voice"



  1. I was listening to the radio when a "Test of the Emergency Broadcast System" came on.  There was the usual, disclaimer of "If this had been an actual emergency, instructions would have followed..." or something to that effect.  So, it occurred to me what if they express what actually happens in some emergencies: "If this had been an actual emergency, chaos, tragedy, fighting, screaming, crying and dying would have followed".  But then again, I thought that probably was too much truth in advertising.                                                                                                     
  2. After observing the family dog enjoying a coated "treat" left in the cat litter box a few times, I had an epiphany.   We not make and market this sort of thing for our dogs as rewards for good behavior.  It would be candy coated and I'd call it "Feces Pieces" in honor of the human version of it.  The jingle would go, "Imagine Rover's surprise when he realizes that that candy coating really has **** inside." I'd probably be sued by Hershey for copyright infringement, but what they heck...  Anyway, I'd make it in different flavor, dog doo flavor, coated kitty litter flavor,...                             **** = 'stuff' HA                                                                                                                     
  3. So, you know around the time the show "Malcolm in the Middle" was showing on TV, I remembered seeing a commercial for "Malcolm X" to be played on a TV network.  So, it occurred to me, "Why do those two have to be completely separate?"  A new show could take form, "Malcolm X in the Middle".  It could be Malcolm being an incendiary figure, fighting the establishment at night via the pulpit, the loud speaker, the news and through a hardcore following.  However, during the day he'd be a WASPY sarcastic genius in a dysfunctional family mocking and commenting on the goings on in his life.   The second variation of it could be Malcolm X and his WASP stepfamily planning Nation of Islam events and discussing Nation of Islam teaching all over a family formal dinner setting where it is intermixed with lighthearted discussion of the kids' day at school.                                                                            
  4. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love my Siamese cat.  I imagine him and another Siamese cat singing "We are Siamese" in the style portrayed in Lady and the Tramp.  I realize that will likely never happen.  But if I had three wishes that might be one of them.  But, alas, speaking of Simon.  I believe every beloved pet should have a theme song.  The one I tied to Simon, out of deference to his heritage, is "One Night in Bangkok" by Murray Head.   I imagine rewriting the lyrics to include: "One Night in Bangkok makes a hard cat humble".  Yes, pet owners, especially cat owners can be a strange breed.                                                                                  
  5. And last but not least.  I've been splitting time between two churches.  My daughter likes Wednesday kid's church at my longtime church.  But, she has not taken as well to Sunday services there with the change in staff.  So, I tend to attend my new church on Sundays when I do have her.  She seems to like it better and has a friend who attends as well.  But, to the point.  Today's sermon was a serious one that dealt with "Being a Neighbor" as it regards to dealing with people in today's society and how people identify sexually.  I'll leave that discussion for another day.  Anyway, having seen both Guardians of the Galaxy movies recently, I remembered "Hooked on a Feeling".  I thought, hmm, that'd be the perfect theme music for this sermon to start playing on my phone.  But, sigh, I let myself down again and let the moment pass.  But, next time I won't.