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Wednesday, August 17, 2016

The insane voice, installment 4: Random bag of goodies...

I don't know if 'zany' or 'eccentric' thinking is a product of venting stress, of expressing existing insanity, shaking things up a little or expressing comic relief.  Either way, I think everyone has what I call an 'insane' voice.  Some just deny it, some suppress it, some let it out for a bit and then there are some that just live it-- the Robin Williams of the world, RIP.

In other case, it's time for another installment of "The insane voice".  In no particular order.
  • So, I was at QT the other day near my work and they got slammed around lunchtime.  I think their customers must have been making a little noise chatting it out in line because as I was checking out, a thought occurred to me.  Should I say to the clerk aloud where others could here it:  Did the local mental hospital just let out their patients out on a field trip?  But, I thought it wouldn't go over well and the good people of Alton might not see the humor.  
  • So, my daughter and I were driving along and we saw a person running.  I had this crazy idea.  What if Olivia and I turned the corner as quickly as we could stopped the car, got out and ran as fast as we could to catch up to her and I had Olivia say, "See I told you Dad, I knew we could catch up".  I'd have Olivia do the dirty work for better comic relief.  Meanwhile the runner would be like what the ..
  • You can take a horse to water, but you may drown it..
    • You can take a horse to water
    • And with enough manpower you can try to force him to drink
    • But, there's a very good chance you will drown it in in the process
    • And you will end up in jail for cruelty to animals.
      • Moral of the story: You may be able to pressure family or a friend to do something that they aren't ready for.  But, there's a good chances are it won't end up well for you or them.
  • Every notice that often times people as they pass through middle age, they start talking about dying and death a bit irrelevantly.  While death has a sense of humor--see the Darwin awards--death isn't phased by our mocking it.
  • I always advise friends when dealing with relationship problems or if they feel like they are always being singled out to just admit up front: I know I'm a bad person.  This will undermine your significant other's ability to blame or shame you.   If you are 'sincere' enough, your significant other may even actually stick up for you and tell you your good points.  
  •  As a parent who likes to prepare his child for handling emergency situations (and is aware that she hears enough of it at her mom's place, at school and sometimes at my place), it occurred to me some great advice to give her.  Somehow the topic came up of a fire somewhere.  So, with my keen insight, I asked he what would she do if her clothes caught on fire.   She said, "Stop, drop and roll".  I said, "Good".  I then asked her what we should do if we had a tire blow out on the road.  She wasn't sure what to say, so I told her: "Stop, drop and roll".  She looked at me like lost my mind.  After mentioning a few other scenarios, she caught on to my brilliant advice and each time said, "Stop, drop and roll".  I am so proud of my daughter <3 
  • As we all know, this election season has literally gone on forever and at times we all wonder, "wow out of over 300,000,000, this is the best we can do"?   Anyway, I thought, this hasn't exactly been the most honest campaign.   Then I had an epiphany.   Since, there is some question on the definition of "natural born citizen" and what not anyway,,why not just say forget it and let Julian Assange of WikiLeaks run for POTUS.  Since it seems like everyone and their brother and sister has declared at one time or another this campaign, since this campaign has been plagued by hostility by all parties and since we all question the honesty of the candidates, Assange would be great.  He'd make a perfect honesty and integrity candidate and we'd know we'd get the true story leaked out.  So, why not.
  •  On November 9th, I'm considering declaring my candidacy for the 2020 Presidential election, no matter who wins.  My theme: R.A. Shepard/2020 for President: For my amusement.  I figure when asked, candidates usually give some bogus, "Give back to the country", "Serve the nation", "Help others" or some other such answer.  We all know the real answer is: Because I love the power and perks of the office.  I'd just be cutting to the chase.  I will be running for the Presidency such that if elected I will run the office and use my authority to test whatever theory I want to out.  My plank will include:
    • Tenured professors at schools which receive government aid WILL BE REQUIRED to teach one whole semester wearing a jester hat.  Then at the end of the semester they will compare and contrast how well that semester went for their students vs. semesters that they did not have to.  
    • I will find some characteristic to discriminate on that isn't subject to anti-discriminatory laws and discriminate accordingly.   For example, I could have a test group of men with goatees and women with curly hair.  I could effectively push that those two groups get better treatment at tax time than all others.  I would then see how those that do not fall in those groups react.  Things I could survey for include:
      • How many not in the favored group would just take the abuse--I figure there are the self-loather subset. 
      • The percentage of the population that purposely grows goatees or curls their hair just to get the beneficial treatment.  
      •  I could then stretch out the absurd favoritism to see how much further I could manipulate the populace to more and more absurd ends to gain advantage.
      • How many times, a Congress critter talks about reaching across the aisle and/or refers to their fellow Congress critters as "my friend on the other side of the aisle".  Each time they are caught saying such cliched statements insincerely, they'd have power to their microphone be cut and they'd be sent to time out.  I'd be curious how long it would take for them to stop using insincere cliched statements.
    • Confer that future primaries for the parties submit to an American Gladiator type competition to see which of each of the parties was most "fit" to serve.
    • Require that all those who want to serve in my administration be required to sing one of the following songs when testifying before Congress to get my nomination (This would buy the country great comic relief and would show me who really, really wants to serve at 'all cost')
    • I'd the spirit of transparency.  I'd let the public know that I'd release the results of my survey findings in January 2024.  This would give the public plenty of time to decide if they want for more year of my "unique" Presidency or they wanted the usual boring political theater.
As time marches on and as we are becoming a more "blunt" and "outspoken" and "reality TV" and more bread and circus in our campaigns.  I figure the the country will be ripe for a truly "Reality Presidency".  

To my faithful audience thanks for your care and attention in reading my "insane thoughts".  Until next time.