The Walking Wounded: 99 sheep meet the prodigal family

Something I've witnessed has bothered me for a long time and I'm finally putting it in writing what I've seen/felt for a long time.

I've witnessed time and again among family, among friends, among friend's family and within different group a consistent problem or issue.   We see this issue in society at large and often there is only relief from it when a tragedy larger than everyone strikes and sometimes even that isn't enough to prevent this issue from evidencing itself.

So, what is this issue?  People who face and/or are hurt by the same or similar circumstances often turn on each other, rather than uniting and work through the hurt together.  We often are so focused on our own hurt that we fail to see, accept, validate, take seriously or even take into account the hurt of others.  Sometimes it is even worse than that.  Sometimes people actively comparatively negate the hurt or injury of others in an attempt to put their own hurt to the forefront.  Why do people do that?

• Do they feel that their own pain or hurt is being ignored and they have to 'raise their voice' and say "But mine is worse" or "That's nothing compared to my situation"?  Does that mean:
• I don't trust others to help me through the pain.
• I've been let down so often.  
• Are they so injured that they cannot see the injury in others?
• Are they just crying out for help?

You tell me.  But those are things that I've seen.  (YMMV) "Your mileage may vary" or put less subtlety not everyone's experiences are the same as to how much and why their family/group turns on each other when facing hurt or crisis.  As I indicated above, some of it is just plain selfish/self-centeredness, but much of it is effectively a trust issue.  Instead of allowing themselves to step back and see the larger picture, there is a tendency to draw each other into a circular firing squad.

==

Let's get concrete.  

• Say a close family member dies--sibling, in-law, parent, child, etc.  All tied to him or her suffer pain and loss.  But we suffer it in different ways and to different extents. 
• If it is an in-law, perhaps I don't suffer the loss to the extent that my spouse does, but that doesn't mean that it didn't significantly impact me.  It is wrong to act if I don't have the right to hurt significantly in that situation.
• A kid may experience the loss of a parent, but remaining spouse experiences the loss too.
• In many/most cases, a kid hasn't had the chance to develop the tools and gain the maturity to grieve as an adult would or see beyond their own hurt.
• The remaining spouse is hurt too and due to the different nature of the relationship his or her grief/loss might not be viewed as quite severe.  You can replace a friend/spouse, but a mom or dad is THE mom or dad or so the thinking might be.  While it usually true the kid will hurt worse and longer, it doesn't mean the spouse's loss is nothing or they've gotten over it.  It's important that all parties reflect on their loss rather than 'competing'.
• Say multiple kids of a family suffered abuse at the hands of a 'family friend'.  One kid may get the 'brunt' of the abuse. 
• The person(s) who as a kid got lesser abuse aren't 'lucky'.  Lucky would have mean that they wouldn't have been abused.  What they are is just not victimized as much. But they are still victims of abuse and as such need to have their trauma recognized and taken seriously.
• The person who as a kid got the brunt of the abuse isn't the 'winner' at the who was hurt worse 'contest'.  While he/she may need more attention/counseling to deal with their abuse than the other that doesn't give him or her the right to dismiss the trauma of the others.
• I believe a goal in this situation is for each victim to step outside of their hurt for a moment and realize others were hurt also.  If each victim can show empathy for each other rather than 'compete' for who got the most abuse, then I think their own healing would benefit as well as healing of the family at large. 
• In our country, many have suffered in many different ways.  Some have suffered the indignities of blatant discrimination based on race.  Some have suffered extreme poverty.  Some have suffered loses in war.  Some have suffered in other ways and some have suffered in more than one way.
• Instead of having a little empathy for others who've suffered, sometimes we get caught up in our own brand of suffering and dismiss that of others.
• Once again this minimizes the chance we to relate to and help each other.  In fact, doing so can cause a cycle of resentment where nobody heals effectively, nobody wins and in some ways everyone--except those who exploit the suffering--loses.

In each of these cases with the right spiritual focus we can get past ourselves and see the pain in others and reach out.  This doesn't mean ignoring our own hurt, but offering to help others who are hurting.

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Why I titled this The Walking Wounded: 99 sheep meet the prodigal family was the shepherd just like the prodigal dad was mourning the loss of one of his flock--albeit in each case it turned out to be temporary loss.  When we lose someone close to us, we can seemingly abandon those closest to us while dealing with the loss (or in the case of the prodigal family, the return).  Others in the picture are affected by the dynamic of the loss.  The 99 sheep temporarily were without their shepherd and were less protected therefore.  In the case of the prodigal family, the dad was likely mourning the loss of the prodigal son that turned his back on him.  When the prodigal son returned he threw all his attention on him.  The son who was loyal and stayed behind was hurt.  In each case, someone or something was affected by a loss (sheep vs. dad & other son).   Each experienced a loss differently and reacted very differently.   The other son instead of looking at the big picture looked strictly at how it affected him.  He probably felt abandoned as his dad mourned the 'loss' of the prodigal son and then felt abandoned again as his dad gave all his warmth to the returned prodigal son.  I can imagine if the 99 sheep could talk they'd tell the other son that your dad has loved you all along and he knows that you are hurting too.  They would say, "When our shepherd left us to find the one missing sheep, he wasn't abandoning us, he was always aware of us and thinking about us, but he was doing what was necessary to make our herd (or family) whole again.  He was always going to be there for us and meet our needs, he had a job and a role to play and we had to be supportive in that role for the better of our herd."   The father represented the Holy Father, the prodigal son represented the lost child of God and the other son represented the one who is at peace with God.  The father in the "Prodigal Son" explained to the other son approximately what I imagined the 99 sheep that weren't missing would have explained from a different perspective.

We all have faced hurt in our lives, some of it directly shared hurt and some of it hurt that we can relate to.  What I've come to understand is that we would all do best to find a way to see beyond ourselves and into the bigger picture.  I may have gotten a smaller helping of hurt than you, but that doesn't mean my hurt is nothing.  Likewise, I know I'm hurting, but there is someone probably close who is hurting too and hurting more.  Therefore, I need to find a way to step away from my hurt to recognize and try to comfort them.  When we compete in this arena, nobody wins.  The original hurt is still there for everyone and on top of it, we have pushed each other apart by trying to "win".  We may not see it as 'trying to win', but instead may see it as making sure to get what we need.  However, like in a food riot, we are so busy competing for what we need rather than trying to find a way to best meet the needs of everyone that we likely will end up destroying some of the life-giving food in the process.

I wrote most of this on Thursday, November 24th, 2016 that is Thanksgiving day.  So, I guess a takeaway could be that we need to be find a way to look beyond ourselves.  Be thankful for the things we have and while recognizing concerns/issues in our own lives, not to focus on them, but instead to give some focus on those less fortunate--spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Parable of the Prodigal Son

Parable of the Lost Sheep

EVERYBODY HURTS (x2)

Failing doesn't make you a failure

I am glad that this election cycle is winding down.  In my 47 years, this election was probably the most hostile/tense election season we as a nation have even witnessed.  As with any elections there were winners and losers.  I think it's pretty clear the 'winners' and the 'losers' in this election cycle and analysis thereof is being repeated ad infinitum.  So, I won't focus on that, but it does lend itself to the following concept:

Failing doesn't make you a failure.  

For anyone who has ever had a significant failure in their life such as:

• Falling short of being elected.

• Failure in marriage.

• Falling of short of winning the big game.

• Not getting the promotion/losing your job.

• Failing in school.

• Broken friendships.

it is hard to separate a particular failure or failing from the overall sense of being a failure.  It is akin to shame vs. guilt.  Shame focuses on self (and has a sense of at least semi-permanence), guilt focus on poor choices (and can be more passing).  Similarly, labeling oneself as a failure, implies feeling broken in a permanent way, whereas noting a failure implies limited--in scope and permanence--damage.

If one is labeled a failure, he or she has effectively had their successes negated or overwhelmed by the label.  If one is said to have failed, it is feasible that their successes before are still respected and that their chance of success after is recognized.

--

It is easy to say tell someone who is in the midst of a particular failure that they aren't a failure, but it can harder for them to accept it.  What they've got to realize is that 

• Everyone has failings in their life.  After all, if that weren't the case, why would we have the need for a Higher Power (God)?
• Some of the people we consider 'successful' failed time and again before they hit on their life's success. Successful people who have failed:
• Henry Ford went broke 5 times before succeeding at Ford Motor Company
• Bill Gates dropped out of college and failed in his first business (Traf-O-Data) before starting arguably the most successful software company (Microsoft).
• Oprah Winfrey was born poor to a single teenage mom, was abused as kid and became a teen mom--child died in infancy--before she landed a radio job which ultimately led to her billion dollar production company.
• Not everyone wins 'the big game/election/promotion', but that doesn't nullify their accomplishments.
• Ernie Banks never made it to the World Series, but his Hall of Fame induction gives lie to the concept that this made him a failure.
• Tim Tebow had limited success in the NFL, but no one can take away his Heisman Trophy and National Championship at Florida.  Additionally, he has carved out success in broadcasting.
• Adlai Stevenson is remembered by many as losing the Presidency to Eisenhower twice, but no one can take away his time as Governor of Illinois, Ambassador to the U.N. and his efforts in making a JFK presidency possible. 
• That it is okay to visit (mourn) a particular failure/failing, but it is not okay to live there.  Visiting or mourning failure appropriately and moving forward can strengthen us.  Living in failure can be very disabling or debilitating. 
• Our faith can be a strong guide, however, we are not born with an individual instruction manual.  Our Higher Power and true friend and family in our lives understand that we will at times not make the best choices of ignorance or maybe even hubris.  That doesn't mean that we are stupid or a bad person, it just means we don't always have all the answers.  See my post on the Fog of War and Decisions/Choices.  

--

One final note: We've all heard the term 'narcissist', but I'm convinced of a concept that I call 'negative narcissism'.  The idea being that a negative narcissist finds it easier to live in the concept of being a failure than having a more balanced view of their lives.  If you label yourself as a failure, it makes it easier not to accept responsibility for individual failings.  It also, makes it easier to justify not taking steps to try to succeed.   After all, if you are a failure (or destined to it), then well, you couldn't help it anyway and why bother trying?

Anyway, whether our candidate or team wins or loses, they don't have to be considered a failure.  If a particular endeavour in our life ends in success or failure, we can own a failing, but we don't have to own being a failure.  Just some post election musings.

-- Rich

Poem 2: The Basis of a Butterfly

The Basis of a Butterfly

I once was a caterpillar.
I was a self-conscience, scared caterpillar.

The world around me was unsafe and insecure.
My movements were slow, unsteady and unsure.

My path was not always clear
But I had to keep moving forward despite the fear.

Over time I developed a cocoon, an outer shell.
It was necessary and it served me well.

It kept me safe, it kept protected
But sometimes it felt like a barrier that I'd erected.

But over time, my cocoon felt like it bound me
No matter how much I wanted to flee.

Over time, I struggled to find my way
I pressed forward though at times I wanted to stay.

I gradually formed a hole
Out of which one day I would roll

Some thought I was broke
But they really hadn't taken a look

Inside the busted shell was a precious soul
Who had over time become whole

Who was finally ready to fly

This my friends is the basis of butterfly.

See also:

Facing Demons

The Basis of a Butterfly

Bark on the Wild Side

Denial, part 2: How we view and face problems

With a contentious election fast approaching, there is no denying that we are a country with problems.  Either way we vote, that is/will be true.  Anyway, I was talking with a friend today about how we deal with problems as a society.

It occurred to me as a society we have a number of different ways we deal with major issues.  There are:

• Those who want to be part of the solution
• Those who see the problem and feel compelled to face it head on. 
•  For example, as a resident of the region around Ferguson, for me, this could be someone who sees the distrust between law enforcement and the minority community and instead of dismissing one side, listen to concerns of all sides.  That doesn't mean necessarily seeing equal culpability, but means respectfully treating the concerns of those who legitimately want peace.

• Those who are fine with the problem.
• Those who know they are part of problem and don't care as it benefits them.
• In the Jim Crow era, many people benefited from keeping keeping discriminatory laws in place for various reasons such as keeping political power or of fear of competition (such as in sports).
• Those who don't don't see themselves as being part of the problem, but are.
• They often justify their own behavior as legitimate even , therefore not problematic.  For example, self-promoters who justify jumping into a conflict/controversy claiming to want to help this person or this group when their hidden motive is profit/power--with an end result of inflaming the situation.

• Those who see the problem, but want to push them aside.
• Those who see the cost of dealing with the problem as "too expensive".
• Either the problem seems too intractable and therefore too stressful, so just like a car with curious annoying noise, it is easier to turn up the music and pretend the problem doesn't exist.
• Personally or as a society dealing with certain issues, means giving up something such as time, money or comfort.

• Those who see the problem, but convince themselves the problem is minimal or has an easy solution.
• For them, it is easier to live with not concerning themselves with the size or complexity of problem than it is to actually face a problem.
• For example, our national budget.  Some people believe if we just raise taxes on the 'rich' enough that we will be able to pay for programs.  
• Also, racial issues.  We know that there are underlying problems, but is we don't have to live the issues daily, it is easier to convince ourselves that the problem is limited to 'this' or 'that' area.

My friend mentioned another way or category of people and how they deal with problems, which I though was insightful.

• Those who blame the messenger, ignoring the message.
• Politicians are famous for this.  They are confronted with a message that is not necessarily favorable to them and they turn around and attack the messenger's credibility.  Their hope is to distract from having to answer the message.  
• For example, a whistle-blower who publicizes a secret program of questionable constitutionality is often attacked by those are tied to the program.

---

I'm not sure what my takeaway from this blog is except this.  

1. It is best to face problems completely head-on if at all possible.  
2. When you can't face it completely, face it in steps and where necessary let it be known that's what you are doing.
3. Sometimes it is necessary to push aside facing problems to deal with larger problems that arise.  But, that doesn't mean permanently facing dealing with the original problem.

Just my musings for the day.

-- Rich

Denial: The lies we tell ourselves to cope.

Thought Solitude: Isolation or a "Safe Space"

I've noticed in my life that some people are so outgoing that they describe their life verbatim on Facebook or to anyone they run into.  Others, it is like pulling teeth to draw them out of their cocoon. I think most people fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum: Out times outgoing, at other times reserved and at other downright introverted.  This leads me the saying above.

No one can live in the spotlight 24/7/365.  We all need downtime.  We all need time outside the public sphere where we can let our guard down and be ourselves.  Typically, we find some of this time around our family and friends.  They are familiar with us as we are familiar with them.  If they are good for us, we can be our goofy selves around them and reveal private thoughts we wouldn't share with the public at large.  In a way, they can be a testing ground for our idea.  If we throw something by them and they give it a thumbs down, it often means that what is on our mind isn't ready for public consumption.  If they give us roaring approval of our thoughts, well, that can give us confidence to take our thoughts public.  In any case, even among our family and friends we don't always want to immediately if ever want to share certain thoughts as they could be a bit disturbing, a bit too "ate up" or just not fully formed.  In this way, our secret life aka secret thoughts have a 'safe space' to reside in while we contemplate whether to reveal them.   The $64,000 question is this: when we are keeping thoughts to ourselves is it healthy?  In short, are we isolating or retreating into an internal 'safe space'?

I guess it really depends in some ways on the content of the (secret) thoughts in question and/or the volume of thoughts.  For example:

• If we keep most every thought to ourselves, especially if we never reveal them, that would seem to indicate that we are isolating.
• If our (secret) thoughts are dark (too blue or too disturbing), then we are probably isolating.
• If we are hiding most of our thoughts, worried about how we are going to come across, we are likely isolating.
• If we don't feel like we have anyone we feel that we can talk to and therefore keep our thoughts to ourselves, that may be isolating.  

On the other hand:

• If we had the loss of someone close in our circle (family/friends/coworkers), it may take some time to process our thoughts and therefore, we need a 'safe space' in our mind to process them before we know how to express them.
• If we have a random devious or rude thought from time to time, having a space where we can internally process it is helpful as it can be harmful/hurtful  to stream of conscience speak, at least until we can determine whether it is just a little off or very inappropriate.
• We are busy and haven't had time to unpack our thoughts, keeping our thoughts to ourselves--a thought safe space--can be useful until we have time to process them.

Ultimately, I believe if we take time to get to know someone or ourselves, we typically know whether we are isolating or whether we are just using the 'safe space' of our mind to process our thoughts.  Ironically when we isolate from others, it makes it harder to tell if their quietness is due to safely processing there own thoughts or if they are isolating themselves as well.

I guess the takeaway is this.  If you love and care about someone, take time to know them, but just as importantly makes sure you provide the best ear you can for them.  This is even more true when the someone you are talking about is yourself.

Just my thoughts for the day.  Cheerio 

-- Rich 

One final thought, if we have been shut down, ridiculed or abused by a significant person in our life--spouse, older sibling, parent--- especially early in our life, it can cause us to isolate.  That is to say, the important things in our life we won't discuss as we have been taught it is not safe to.  In this situation, our trust of that person and possibly others will likely have been shaken.  In a sense, by keeping our thoughts to ourselves, we are retreating to a 'safe space' to protect ourselves, but in another sense, we are isolating--with cause.

Unfortunately, I've seen this in my own life before and that of others.  When a loved one doesn't allow you to be yourself and say the things that are on your mind free of consequence, they are setting the relationship up to fail.  Your thoughts won't disappear, they will just be driven underground and resentment can build up. Anyway, this lead can lead a person to search for others to themselves around--sometimes in a healthy way--friend/minister/counselor--and sometimes not so healthy way--partner outside the marriage, someone who doesn't have the family's interest in mind.

The long and short of it is this: the best way to keep a relationship open is to allow the other to be themselves as much as possible even when you don't agree with them.  The best way to destroy a relationship is to shut the other down is to tend to come down on the other when they are being themselves.

Just more thoughts.

-- Rich 

Anything But Ordinary: The need for faith, hope and healing.

Have you ever noticed that some people seemingly take great risks, step out on the edge, tend to gravitate towards the unhealthy or bounce around from controlling relationship to controlling relationship OR dramatic relationship to dramatic relationship.

Why do we do it?

• Are we trying to outrun or 'escape' our problems?   
• If I keep busy or seek the latest thrill or high, we won't have to face our issues.
• Are we trying to medicate away our problems?
• If I gamble, drink, sleep around and so on, perhaps I won't have whatever pain I have will be masked over.
• Are we so used to drama that the mundane feels out of place?  The word familiar has the same root as family.  If we were raised and/or have always lived in a dysfunctional environment, we will not know how to react to 'normal' or  'healthy' relationships.  'Normal', healthy or 'wholesome' relationships could seem boring or stale.
• Are we seeking approval?  Sometimes the attention we get from 'acting out' or 'being the life of the party' is better than a lack of attention.  That is if we are 'interesting enough' or 'fun enough' then people won't help but to be drawn to 'the party'.
• Are we feeling hopeless or too damaged? 
• If we feel like we have nothing left to lose, then it can free us up to engage in risky or dangerous behavior.  That is, if there doesn't feel like there will be much of--if any--of a tomorrow, what do we have to lose by living on the edge?
• The problem lies when we wake up from the 'binge' or edgy behavior and realize in many cases that it has made things worse for us.

What forms does it take?

• I've kind of touched up on it already but here are just a few.
• Excessive drinking
• Illegal or illicit drugs
• Out-of-control gambling.
• Acting out, sleeping around or porn addiction
• Unsafe activities such as reckless stunts, reckless riding/driving, going to reckless places, reckless behavior with fireworks, etc.
• Excessive thrill-seeking.  Sometimes, it isn't so much that a certain activity is bad per se, but if we do it excessively it can indicate a bigger problem.  Say sky-diving every weekened for example, could be considered excessive for an average person. 

Conclusions:

• It is okay to step out a little, go outside your comfort zone, take a chance from time to time.  The whole point of this blog is not to suggest otherwise.  Were it not for people taking chances or risks, life would be dull and we'd have likely not accomplished some of the great feats/advances that we have.
• It isn't so much how much we live on the edge, but more so the motivation behind it.
• Is it for a healthy reason such as helping others?  If so, we are less likely to flame out.
• Is it for an unhealthy reason such as avoiding dealing with abuse, hurt, grief, pain, trauma, etc.   If so, we might find we need a higher and higher dose of living on the edge just to keep the avoidance up and we will be more likely to flame out or spiral out of control.
• Living on the edge in a way 
• Whatever your faith--for example, Christianity--it is in many ways necessary to be willing to not be 'ordinary'.  Mother Theresa was not Ordinary, she could have lived an easy life, but instead she sacrificed to help the poorest of the poor.  Sometimes our faith requires us to go against popular opinion or worldly views or behavior   In other words, going against the grain and not being 'ordinary'.

Space: The Final Frontier

While I believe that most people are social creatures and need and even sometimes crave positive interaction with others: children, parents, spouse, friends, etc., I believe that people by and large have a need for space from time to time.  They need it to re-energize, to recharge, and to quietly consider their lives--what's important to them and even their relationship to God.

I've heard the term "man cave" so many times.  For a guy, it is thought of his own space or spot in the house or own area he can retreat to for peace and quiet.

But, over time, I've come to a different understanding of what the meaning of 'man cave' (space) is.  It doesn't have to be a spot to retreat to in one's house.  It doesn't even necessarily have to be one's house.

Here are some examples of where one can find his (or her)  man-cave (or she-shed)--that is their space.

• Space can be somewhere besides one's place.  If you love your work, it can be there.  If you own a garage for example and are working on restoring an old Corvette Stingray that could be your place.  It could be at your best friend's place.  It could be at a place where you hang out listen to music, play pool, throw darts...  It could be literally anywhere else.

• Space can be your own place.  You could have a room designated as your own in which you are not disturbed unless they knock.  That's the classic definition.  It could also be your garden area outside in which you are left alone to tend.  It could be your work area.  It could be literally anywhere on your property.

• Space doesn't have to be a physical spot either.  It could be a time that you have completely to yourself uninterrupted, while family is out at school, work or just doing something else.  

• Space doesn't actually have to be alone time either.  For example, if everyone is around the house, but is quietly, peacefully and separately entertaining themselves, you can have your own virtual space   For me, as you might imagine, this is my blog.  If everyone else is reasonably and contently occupied and I'm just typing away, I feel a certain freedom.

Anyway, just some thoughts to consider as you search for your own space.

What is your "Piano in the Dark"?

Some songs just grab your attention for reasons you don't know and one day when you are listening to it many years later, their meaning hits you and you realize that there is probably a reason you have always loved or connected with the song.

In the late 1980s, Brenda Russell co-wrote and recorded Piano in the Dark.  The concept is at once both simple and involved.  The words and the music are powerful.  In the song, Ms. Russell's character is at a very disconnected place in her relationship.  It feels dead to her.   She's thinking she's strong enough to call it quits.  But, her mate knows how to reach her and as she is getting ready to leave, he plays the piano for her and she realizes that she still loves him.

For me "Piano in the Dark" is a synonym for that special something about your significant other pulls you in, that keeps you from leaving.  It is that special something about him or her that you just can't live without.

This got me to thinking the subject matter.  In your relationship, do you have that special something that your mate does, says or is about him/her that you can hold onto?  What is it about your relationship that keeps you there even through the rough spots?  This blog is essentially about what keeps people in relationships, even through the rough patches.

From what I see the following are one or more reason why people stay in relationships even through turbulent times, not necessarily in order of constructive:

• Comfort factor.  Sometimes we've been with someone so long that the relationship feels like a well worn shoe.  In other words, not elegant, not necessarily even warm fuzzy, but comfortable.  Stephen Stills: Love the One Your With

• Functional factor.  This can be for raising kid(s) together, convenient living arrangement, appearances, etc.   Sometimes, this can be a consideration or The Consideration.

• Fear of the unknown or codependence factor.  Sometimes, the idea of 'starting over' is too overwhelming and it just seems easier just to stay together.  Sometimes, the idea of being without a someone, even if that someone doesn't treat us right, can be daunting, especially if we haven't spent enough time on ourselves.

•  Honorable factor.  This can take the form of staying together for the sake of the kids or staying together because of a commitment to the Father or something similar.  I believe that these are good reasons to stay together in a lot of cases.  Definitely, take the children into account and definitely if you are married, don't think that a vow before God should be taken lightly.  Too many people do that.

• Special factor.  There really is that something special about the other person that keeps drawing you to them.  It can be that voice, the way they are good with the kids, that sense of humor, that sweetness about them, the way they love you.  John Michael Montgomery: I Love the Way You Love Me

I would say we all, but there are some that don't care.  But most people hope that find that someone special and that what made their mate special will always light up a glow in their heart.  So, I will focus the rest of the blog entry on that.

I believe that it is important to spend a few moments from time to time in contemplation and prayer.  Remembering what it is about our mate that we love and to remind them from time to time why we love them.  Life can get hectic, difficult and/or cloudy and it is important to establish a pattern of keeping in mind what we like about our significant other.  But, perhaps even more importantly, spending a few minutes letting them know we are thinking about them.

So, I guess I will end this as a I started this by asking what is your "Piano in the Dark".  For me, it is my wife's warmth, the way she appreciates me--especially the side I don't like to publicly show and the way she cares for my daughter.  It helps that she's got that Creek Indian look about her ;-)

But, I digress, I challenge to find, remember or express what is your "Piano in the Dark".

----

When I find myself watching the time
I never think about all the funny things you said
I feel like it's dead
Where is it leading me now

I turn around in the still of the room
Knowing this is when I'm gonna make my move
Can't wait any longer
And I'm feeling stronger but oh

Just as I walk through the door
I can feel your emotion
It's pullin' me back
Back to love you

I know I'm caught up in the middle
I cry just a little
When I think of letting go
Oh no, gave up on the riddle
I cry just a little
When he plays piano in the dark

He holds me close like a thief of the heart
He plays a melody
Born to tear me all apart
The silence is broken
And no words are spoken but oh

Just as I walk through the door
I can feel your emotion
It's pullin' me back
Back to love you

I know I'm caught up in the middle
I cry just a little
When I think of letting go
Oh no, gave up on the riddle
I cry just a little
When he plays piano in the dark

--Written by Scott Cutler, Jeff Hull, Brenda Russell

Finding Jewels in the Darkness, part 2 (sensitive and not seeing only clouds on a mostly sunny day)

Once again, I heard a song that for some reason has stuck with me for the past few years and I remember the first time it really started to like it.  Before, I go there, I must confess something that anyone who really knows me knows (even when I sometimes try to hide it).  At time I have a profoundly deep sensitive side.  It's not sensitive as in "weak", but sensitive as in I feel a range of emotions and I often can 'feel' the human experience very profoundly in myself and others.  Raised by a dad who didn't show emotions and who was deeply uncomfortable with 'feelings' being expressed, I learned to hide this side of me or at least not own up to it.  I've come to realize that as it says in the Bible,

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
...
 A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance (Ecclesiastes 3:4) 


In other words, God understands and appreciates a sensitive side to his creation. Of course, society has always pretty well accepted that women can have a sensitive side, but it has only been in more recent decades that we've accepted the same in a man (at least openly recognizing it anyway).  Anyway, I've come to see it not as a curse, but as a blessing.  It has allowed me to be better able to feel and relate, understand, empathize and what I refer to as "sensing a disturbance in The Force").   However, while having a sensitive side is good and letting on to at times is good, like most everything in life there are limits.  For example, while we want our President to connect with us by showing anguish in a time of national hurt such as 9/11, we don't want our President to be a complete blubbering pile of goo at such times.  In my own life, I have revealed deep hurt (and tears of joy) a few times to my own daughter, but I know I can't afford the luxury of her seeing me upset on a regular basis, even if at times I might feel that way.  She needs to see in her dad that it is safe to have feelings, even vulnerable I'm feeling upset type feelings.  However, she needs to know that her I am strong enough to protect and guide her as well.  So, like I figure, a balance.

Anyway, the Song was "Grease" performed by Frankie Valli.  I'm sure I'd heard it many times and you know probably thought it was from a musical, meaning geared towards the other gender.   I'm supposing I was okay with it though.  In any case, this night that I had heard it, it was a fairly early stage in my divorce and I was VERY underemployed with other trials going on at that time.  I was very down.  It was about 2-3am in the morning and I was getting off of work.  I dunno, but when I heard it, for whatever reason, I connected with the song in a profound way.  For some reason, I finally focused on it enough to know that it is a coming of age song.  The messages I got from it were: that you can make it if you believe in who you are, that life as we know it is in many ways just an illusion and that our purpose is not always immediately clear.  Anyway, I will never forget that song, that early morning as long as I live and perhaps in some ways that was a turning point towards being in a better place.

I don't know if I'm an empath, but I know I have some of the tendencies for better or worse (as did my brother Bill).  But, how I tie this together is that this was a step along the road in realizing and accepting who I was--a sensitive person and possible empath.

As the title implied there are two parts to this blog entry.  The second part is the "seeing only clouds on a sunny day".   It's funny, we are taught to see the "silver lining" in the clouds.  In other words, the positives even in the darkest of times.  However, I believe as humans we have this tendency to gripe and moan about things in our life and overlook the fact that perhaps we may not have it so bad after all.

As I've mentioned in a previous blog, I came to realize that failure is a default position.  It is easy to fail.  You don't have to do anything to fail.  In some cases, it is precisely by doing nothing that we fail.  In other words, failure is the easy path.  Similarly, I think it is human nature to focus on the negatives.  As a fallen creation, in this life we face trials and struggles which can seem overwhelming.   In this context it is easy to focus on the struggles or imperfections.  However, if we peel below the surface we may just see things aren't that bad.  We in pretty decent health, we have a roof over our head, we have reliable transportation and we have a steady paycheck which allow our basic needs to be met.  Additionally, we may have a loving partner who cares about us and loves us though not necessarily always likes us.  Focusing on the struggles in this context is like seeing only clouds on a mostly sunny day.

It is at this times, we need to write or recite our daily gratitude list.

---

The takeaway from this blog for me is twofold.  The Jewels to be found in the darkness are:

• Yourself and your good points about you.
• That if you peel away the below the surface or see beyond the clouds, you may just find that your life is not a mostly cloudy day, but instead a mostly sunny day with an occasional cloud.

GOD, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change, 

Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace. 

Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is, 
not as I would have it. 

Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will; 

That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next. 

Amen

- Karl Paul Reinhold Niebuhr

SEE: Finding Jewels in the Darkness

The insane voice, installment 4: Random bag of goodies...

I don't know if 'zany' or 'eccentric' thinking is a product of venting stress, of expressing existing insanity, shaking things up a little or expressing comic relief.  Either way, I think everyone has what I call an 'insane' voice.  Some just deny it, some suppress it, some let it out for a bit and then there are some that just live it-- the Robin Williams of the world, RIP.

In other case, it's time for another installment of "The insane voice".  In no particular order.

• So, I was at QT the other day near my work and they got slammed around lunchtime.  I think their customers must have been making a little noise chatting it out in line because as I was checking out, a thought occurred to me.  Should I say to the clerk aloud where others could here it:  Did the local mental hospital just let out their patients out on a field trip?  But, I thought it wouldn't go over well and the good people of Alton might not see the humor.  

• So, my daughter and I were driving along and we saw a person running.  I had this crazy idea.  What if Olivia and I turned the corner as quickly as we could stopped the car, got out and ran as fast as we could to catch up to her and I had Olivia say, "See I told you Dad, I knew we could catch up".  I'd have Olivia do the dirty work for better comic relief.  Meanwhile the runner would be like what the ..

• You can take a horse to water, but you may drown it..
• You can take a horse to water
• And with enough manpower you can try to force him to drink
• But, there's a very good chance you will drown it in in the process
• And you will end up in jail for cruelty to animals.
• Moral of the story: You may be able to pressure family or a friend to do something that they aren't ready for.  But, there's a good chances are it won't end up well for you or them.

• Every notice that often times people as they pass through middle age, they start talking about dying and death a bit irrelevantly.  While death has a sense of humor--see the Darwin awards--death isn't phased by our mocking it.

• I always advise friends when dealing with relationship problems or if they feel like they are always being singled out to just admit up front: I know I'm a bad person.  This will undermine your significant other's ability to blame or shame you.   If you are 'sincere' enough, your significant other may even actually stick up for you and tell you your good points.  

•  As a parent who likes to prepare his child for handling emergency situations (and is aware that she hears enough of it at her mom's place, at school and sometimes at my place), it occurred to me some great advice to give her.  Somehow the topic came up of a fire somewhere.  So, with my keen insight, I asked he what would she do if her clothes caught on fire.   She said, "Stop, drop and roll".  I said, "Good".  I then asked her what we should do if we had a tire blow out on the road.  She wasn't sure what to say, so I told her: "Stop, drop and roll".  She looked at me like lost my mind.  After mentioning a few other scenarios, she caught on to my brilliant advice and each time said, "Stop, drop and roll".  I am so proud of my daughter <3 

• As we all know, this election season has literally gone on forever and at times we all wonder, "wow out of over 300,000,000, this is the best we can do"?   Anyway, I thought, this hasn't exactly been the most honest campaign.   Then I had an epiphany.   Since, there is some question on the definition of "natural born citizen" and what not anyway,,why not just say forget it and let Julian Assange of WikiLeaks run for POTUS.  Since it seems like everyone and their brother and sister has declared at one time or another this campaign, since this campaign has been plagued by hostility by all parties and since we all question the honesty of the candidates, Assange would be great.  He'd make a perfect honesty and integrity candidate and we'd know we'd get the true story leaked out.  So, why not.

•  On November 9th, I'm considering declaring my candidacy for the 2020 Presidential election, no matter who wins.  My theme: R.A. Shepard/2020 for President: For my amusement.  I figure when asked, candidates usually give some bogus, "Give back to the country", "Serve the nation", "Help others" or some other such answer.  We all know the real answer is: Because I love the power and perks of the office.  I'd just be cutting to the chase.  I will be running for the Presidency such that if elected I will run the office and use my authority to test whatever theory I want to out.  My plank will include:
• Tenured professors at schools which receive government aid WILL BE REQUIRED to teach one whole semester wearing a jester hat.  Then at the end of the semester they will compare and contrast how well that semester went for their students vs. semesters that they did not have to.  
• I will find some characteristic to discriminate on that isn't subject to anti-discriminatory laws and discriminate accordingly.   For example, I could have a test group of men with goatees and women with curly hair.  I could effectively push that those two groups get better treatment at tax time than all others.  I would then see how those that do not fall in those groups react.  Things I could survey for include:
• How many not in the favored group would just take the abuse--I figure there are the self-loather subset. 
• The percentage of the population that purposely grows goatees or curls their hair just to get the beneficial treatment.  
•  I could then stretch out the absurd favoritism to see how much further I could manipulate the populace to more and more absurd ends to gain advantage.
• How many times, a Congress critter talks about reaching across the aisle and/or refers to their fellow Congress critters as "my friend on the other side of the aisle".  Each time they are caught saying such cliched statements insincerely, they'd have power to their microphone be cut and they'd be sent to time out.  I'd be curious how long it would take for them to stop using insincere cliched statements.
• Confer that future primaries for the parties submit to an American Gladiator type competition to see which of each of the parties was most "fit" to serve.
• Require that all those who want to serve in my administration be required to sing one of the following songs when testifying before Congress to get my nomination (This would buy the country great comic relief and would show me who really, really wants to serve at 'all cost')
• Adia - Sarah McLachlan
• Rich Girl - Gwen Stefani ft. Eve
• I'd the spirit of transparency.  I'd let the public know that I'd release the results of my survey findings in January 2024.  This would give the public plenty of time to decide if they want for more year of my "unique" Presidency or they wanted the usual boring political theater.

As time marches on and as we are becoming a more "blunt" and "outspoken" and "reality TV" and more bread and circus in our campaigns.  I figure the the country will be ripe for a truly "Reality Presidency".  

To my faithful audience thanks for your care and attention in reading my "insane thoughts".  Until next time.

Insane voice, installment 1

Insane voice, installment 2

Insane voice, installment 3

Insane voice, installment 4

Insane voice, installment 5

Insane voice, installment 6

Insane voice, installment 7

Insane voice, installment 8

What's love got to do with it?

I was at a concert the other day and noted how me and my friend Jennie each had someone with us that cared for and cared about us.  Anyone who knows my history knows that relationship have been something I've had to work at, but I digress.  But I can say that I have been loved along the way and that for some reason my wife Kristi seems to have warm fuzzy feelings towards me, even when I don't feel lovable.

I was thinking about my late brother and how he had never gotten married and never was even close to it.  I know one of things that always got to him was that he never truly felt loved.  He was loved more than he realized, but I digress. Thinking about that actually made me pretty sad, BUT it also made me realize something.   Finding someone who truly loves you is a blessing.

Anyway, in pondering the above, I also thought about what love is and what it isn't. What is is meant to be and what it isn't meant to be.

The bible speaks on love and marriage extensively, sometimes seemingly for and against it.  See below:

• The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."  Genesis 2:18
• I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.  1 Corinthians 7:6-9

But, my understanding of love is this:

• Love is not meant to validate us.  Our validation comes from our relationship to our higher power.   Love is a gift of our higher power to help us not feel alone, isolated and unappreciated. 
• The love of another isn't meant to make us complete us, it is meant to complement us
• Love shouldn't be to 'fix' or 'solve our problems', but instead free us from feeling alone and unappreciated such that we can with focus on dealing with the things we need to.  I think that's at least part of what the apostle Paul was saying in 1st Corinthians above. 

In short, love and marriage are meant to enrich us, not to replace what is missing in us.  Love is meant to be beneficial to both parties and not to feed into each other's dysfunctionality.

I guess my takeaway is rely on the your higher power (God) for your validation, but appreciate the value of love which He has provided for us.

The truth about cats and dogs

I tend to be too serious at times.  So, for me writing a lighthearted, sarcastic or flaky blog entry is my way of breaking the tension a bit.

I don't know how it occurred, to me.  Where does one every get odd ideas out of nowhere?  One of the great mysteries of life.  Anyway, here is my take on cats and dog.  Enjoy.

• If you want a furry friend who is a "yes man", get a dog.  If you want a furry friend who tells you the unvarnished truth, get a cat.   
• For example, a cat will tell you that you are an idiot, but that it likes you anyway.  A dog will tell you how great you are and tell you how much it LOVES and won't judge you.
• Do you want validation or the truth?
• Dogs don't care if we know they are codependent.  Cats on the other hand, like to portray themselves as independent.  But, at night where do they end up?  With their favorite person.
• A dog will go down with the ship.  A cat will wish you well as it abandons you.
• A dog will harass you if you are sleeping and it is hungry.  A cat on the hand will beat the crap out of you until you feed it.  In other words, if you need a backup alarm, don't feed your cat.
• A cat will calculate on a daily basis if it needs you.  A dog on the other hand won't bother questioning that idea.
• A dog will do it's potty business outside and will forget about it immediately after it is finished.  A cat will do it's best to "hide the evidence" after it is finished.
• A dog will be content to lay out your feet.  A cat on the other hand likes to go to the highest ground just to prove it is the alpha.
• A dog when it hurts itself will say nothing or yelp.  A cat on the other hand will pretend it isn't hurt and say, "I meant to do that" out of self-respect.  For example, a cat, when it has an epic fail jumping, will act like nothing happened or that it meant to do that.
• Dog spelled backward is god, but don't act like gods to us.  Cats on the other hand remind us that in ancient Egypt they used to be worshiped as gods.
• A dog when it wants food, it begs you and follows you around.  A cat on the other hand will direct you to its bowl and demand you fill it, sometimes yelling at you along the way.

If you seek to know about how cats think read this book:  I am Pusheen the Cat.